[geez]

I had an appointment with my therapist a little over a week ago. The appointment before that we discussed me doing EMDR to work on an issue I have with being intimate with my husband.

So I went into the appointment feeling happy to see her but decided I wasn't interested in doing EMDR. I was feeling good and wanted a break. I also just had surgery and need to focus on my physical health at the moment. She let me out of the appointment 10 minutes early and said I looked happy. She also asked how my relationship was with my husband and I said fine. She also asked me if there was anything I wanted to work on and I told her yes but not today (EMDR). She asked if I wanted to set up another appointment or wait till I'm ready and I'll call. I told her I would call.

Since then my anxiety is up. I saw my psychiatrist and told him I'm taking a break from my therapist. Today I talked to my psychiatrist and asked if I could talk to him for counseling. He asked me "why not talk to your therapist?"

After a long pause I told him I don't think she can help me. He asked me if I have said that to her and I said no. He asked me "why not?" "What do you think she'll say?" I told him I don't know. I don't think she would do anything like refuse to see me per se but in my mind it feels that way.
My Psychiatrist then told me I need to tell that to her. That's part of therapy

I hate that I need help. and I don't know if she can really help me. I want to hate her. I feel weak if I contact her and ask for another appointment. I feel like I've been on this Merry Go Round that never stops. I've been seeing this therapist for over 5 years. I feel like she's sick of me. I'm holding onto so much shame.

I feel more confused than ever. It's easier for me to hate her than need her.

[rainbow8]

I'm sorry, geez. I do think it's something you need to discuss with your T. Are you afraid of doing the EMDR or were you really fine? Taking a break is okay but it sounds like you really didn't want to, or were conflicted.

I can understand your statement "It's easier for me to hate her than need her." After my session this week I hated my T too, probably because she can't give me what I want. I still need her, but it's useless to need her, so it's easier to say "I hate you" in my mind, and in my thread title!

Are you ashamed of the issue (about your H) or do you honestly think she's not qualified to help you? I know you used to see a marriage counselor, right?

I doubt that your T is sick of you. I hope that you can muster up the courage to make an appointment again, or perhaps the break IS a good idea because of your physical health? I understand being conflicted; it's the story of my life.

[InRealLife45]

Sounds to me like you are trying to avoid the connection...

[Oceanwave]

Sometimes you have to listen to you gut feeling and ask yourself whether this therapy really is useful for you. You have done it for five years; do you see things getting better? Are you stuck in a rut with your therapy? Your psychiatrist won't necessary know so don't let people fob you off. It might be time for a change. Five years is a long time.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by geez

Since then my anxiety is up.

Do you know what that is about? You were feeling good and like taking a break and it sounded like doing that quite well.

[geez]

Thank you all for your response! I'll write more later.

[geez]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I'm sorry, geez. I do think it's something you need to discuss with your T. Are you afraid of doing the EMDR or were you really fine? Taking a break is okay but it sounds like you really didn't want to, or were conflicted.

I can understand your statement "It's easier for me to hate her than need her." After my session this week I hated my T too, probably because she can't give me what I want. I still need her, but it's useless to need her, so it's easier to say "I hate you" in my mind, and in my thread title!

Are you ashamed of the issue (about your H) or do you honestly think she's not qualified to help you? I know you used to see a marriage counselor, right?

I doubt that your T is sick of you. I hope that you can muster up the courage to make an appointment again, or perhaps the break IS a good idea because of your physical health? I understand being conflicted; it's the story of my life.

Thank you (((Rainbow)))

I don't think she can help me because she hasn't been abused. I think I feel anger about that for some reason?(not that I wish abuse on anyone) In reality she probably can help me with EMDR.
I also have feelings of not wanting to see her because I view it as a dependence that will never be a real relationship.

I also feel shame about my 'sex life' with my husband. My husband deserves better.

We don't see marriage T anymore. The rest of our marriage is fine and she can't help with the abuse part that I experienced.

Thanks for listening and being there for me.

[geez]

Originally Posted by InRealLife45

Sounds to me like you are trying to avoid the connection...

Thank you IRL, you could say that I am trying to avoid a connection. It's painful to be vulnerable and connected to something you can never have IRL.

[geez]

Originally Posted by Oceanwave

Sometimes you have to listen to you gut feeling and ask yourself whether this therapy really is useful for you. You have done it for five years; do you see things getting better? Are you stuck in a rut with your therapy? Your psychiatrist won't necessary know so don't let people fob you off. It might be time for a change. Five years is a long time.

I owe a lot to my T. She has helped me so much. I guess by now I was hoping to not need her help. It sucks!

[geez]

Originally Posted by Perna

Do you know what that is about? You were feeling good and like taking a break and it sounded like doing that quite well.

Thank You Perna, I was feeling good about taking a break and then this wave of anxiety/anger/fear came over me.
It all relates to needing but not wanting my t's help. I wish I could hate her. That would make doing this on my own somewhat conceivable.

[geez]

Update: I emailed my T and told her I need an appointment and that I hate therapy

I see her next week.