Eye contact question again

I have a lot of trouble maintaining eye contact with T. When I am trying to tell her something..or remember something...I look away. I catch her in my peripheral vision moving around in her chair trying to get eye contact with me. I don't know why it's so hard.

When I look at T, I'm reminded of all my desires, I feel shame around wantung/needing, so I have to look away... If it's someone I don't care for, I can look at them.

I think the only reason I never struggled with eye contact with any T is b/c I'm the kind of person who hides by actually being different around other people.

Everyone fears some kind of vulnerability, if eye contact is that for you, it's perfectly reasonable.

When I was journalling a session I wrote that I was scared of seeing acceptance in his eyes that I don't feel for myself or don't feel like I deserve. I think i fear the closeness and the acceptance yet I crave it.
I made eye contact with my T recently and we didn't speak; I felt electricity pass through me it was so powerful.

I don't look anyone in the eye (Asperger's), but I usually watch mouths. I do have a hard time just looking at my therapist. It started in my 3rd session after i told her something and when we weren't talking for a minute and she suddenly had a sad look on her face. I also find that she looks at me really intently. We have been working on it for a few months now, and I asked her if I could look at her when she wasn't looking, but she proposed that she will try to look at me less if I look at her more, which seems to be working.

I have all ways had bad eye contact with anyone not just my T .
It sure did not help when I got beaten because I would not look at the adults when they were talking to me when I was a kid they thought I was disrespecting them and made them even mader.
I am scared to look I get that inner urge to look away , can't explain it .