[musinglizzy]

I am 40. I have one "real" tattoo from over 20 years ago, and three "homemade" tattoos. One in particular has been causing me SO much agony over the last 20 years, because I'm embarrassed by it. I am EXTREMELY self conscious.

Most people who know me would agree that this has been an extremely difficult year for me. Probably my worst in a long time. So take that into consideration, plus the fact that I started seeing a T in May for the first time (in like 20 years too), and bringing up all these bad feelings/experiences in my life. I got a tattoo less than two weeks ago. Some people really made a stink about it. I actually went in to get a consult on the embarrassing one I wanted covered, and just got a simple one while I was there. Well today, I got two more. A teeny tiny one, and a larger one on my upper arm, covering up the "bad" tattoo. When she asked me if I wanted to see, I looked up and nearly started crying. I was finally free. Free to not hide my arm, free to wear tank tops and swimming suits in public without hiding...just free. The other one was just a little freebie thrown in. All three are meaningful to me, but it just so happens, all three were gotten in the month of July.

So, I'm SO happy to be "free". No more hiding. Although, I have my last session with my T tomorrow (for three weeks) and I don't want her to see them. I am afraid she would take them the wrong way, psychoanalyze them, or make them out to be "self harm" or "mutilation." I used to be a cutter. More than 20 years ago. I'm afraid she would think more into this than there is. Yeah, the timing is coincidental. But I also agreed I was going to focus on taking care of MYSELF this summer, and that's what I'm doing.

So....I don't want my last session before her break to be about these tattoos. 80 degrees tomorrow, and I intend to wear a long sleeved shirt of some kind. Maybe a button up one (open) over a tank top, so it doesn't look TOO suspicious, I don't know, but something. Am I being stupid? I know I shouldn't hide things from her.... but I just want to hide it this one time, so we have a good session. I'm willing to go that route when she gets back.

When I saw the one tattoo, I nearly cried. I'm free. I'm free of that blasted thing I hid on my arm all these years, and bought my wardrobe around. No more hiding. Except tomorrow....

[kororain]

I think it's important to tell her that it means freedom to you. Seems like a big deal!

[TheWell]

I have SI'd and I have tattoos. I've shown my T the tattoos and he has never compared them to SI or spoken about them that way. I think she would be happy that you feel free. Not judgmental.

[musinglizzy]

It's a SUPER big deal to me. She's actually seen it, and although says "it's not so bad," she knows how I felt about it. But that's one tattoo. I've gotten three this month now. I know it's important that I tell her, but do I NEED to tell her tomorrow? During our last session for three weeks when I'm already struggling about that? If anything....(she's awesome with Emails), I would Email her tonight and let her know ahead of time. I just don't want to waste TOMORROW'S session explaining myself. The first one I got (almost two weeks ago) I know she believed to be stress related. So I'm afraid she will with these, also. I'm free now. Seriously, not seeing that there, I almost cried....

Thanks for your input! Can't it wait? Or am I being really dishonest in waiting till she returns?

[NowhereUSA]

i think there's a huge difference between si and tattoos. i would tell her and be open about how you feel free. i think she would understand.

[musinglizzy]

TheWell, yea but did you have the tattoos prior? I only started therapy in May, turned 40 in June, and three tattoos in July. And I haven't been dealing with going back in time well, but I honestly don't believe these three tats to be related. The timing is just eerily coincidental.

[UnderRugSwept]

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

When I saw the one tattoo, I nearly cried. I'm free. I'm free of that blasted thing I hid on my arm all these years, and bought my wardrobe around. No more hiding. Except tomorrow....

Hi musinglizzy,

Congrats, and I think that's awesome! Will you consider showing them to your T and sharing your feelings that you have expressed here re: feeling free? I think if you do, you would probably feel much better than if you try and cover them up. You could also tell her that you were afraid that she would try and make them about something negative, which they aren't?

I personally have 9. I am 38...and I will probably get more. I was a cutter for a very short period of time (like a month, I was about 34 and had never done it before; I was going through some very hard stuff). The T I was seeing at the time tried to make the new tattoos I got on my arms (4) when I was SI'ing about my cutting, but he was just wrong, which I told him, and then he let it go. I never have liked the feeling of getting tattooed (hello, they hurt), but I love the results! And as for the location of my forearms, I had run out of space everywhere else I considered ok to have permanent ink on my body!

Anyway, I think taking care of yourself is great; perhaps your T will see it like that, too?

[musinglizzy]

Thanks! You're all reassuring me....but jeez....maybe I can tell her, show her, then drop it. If y'all think it's something that can't wait three weeks. It wouldn't be difficult to hide. I know it's summertime, but I keep a long sleeved shirt with me wherever I go. Some places are just cold. to me. So she's seen me in a long sleeve shirt fairly recently, actually.

By the way, I just took the bandage off and showed my son. I can't tell you what a WEIRD feeling it was showing him "that" arm. ANd being proud.....not hiding what was there...

[Hobbit House]

Tattoos can be cathartic... for me anyway. I have a lot of very large ones and while yes I find them addicting. I don't think that they are in any way to be confused with si. Self injury is for the purpose of self loathing, confusion, to sooth bad feelings in a very destructive way. Whereas tattoos are an expression of creativity, love of art, and just plain enjoy the pain. My wife "Laura" says I am a walking ,talking contradiction. I think the pain is a form of payment for the ink. Which is really good art...
Michael

[musinglizzy]

Thanks. I think, after I got my first one (I've gotten three in less than two weeks now), she knew it was after a hard session. I left that session numb. But got the tattoo three days later. She never said it, but I got the feeling that she felt that I did it to FEEL again. You know? Well, I sure didn't want to feel the pain today, lemme tell ya!

[Hobbit House]

I'm a little confused about it myself...

[nottrustin]

I work with one doctor who thinks tattoos are are a form of SI. I along with most of my coworkers (including the other drs) disagree.

I got my first and only tattoo last fall. I have thought about it for about 12 years. When my mom died I thought of getting a tiny yellow rose on my ankle as it was her favorite flower. So I have a tiny one on the inside of my left ankle.

I finally got it on a whim one day

[Polibeth]

I don't think of tattoos and SI. I have two tattoos and never SI'd. I'm glad you are so happy with the cover-up of the previous tattoo - your t should be proud as well.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Tattoos are not SI. SI consists of YOU doing a violent physical act to YOURSELF.

Tattoos are a form of beautification, whereas SI has nothing to do with making yourself beautiful.

If your T thinks otherwise, tell her to read Scarred Soul by Tracy Alderman.

[Petra5ed]

Congrats on the tattoo! That sounds awesome! No, you're not being stupid. But, I will say to me it sounds positive so I don't get why your T would have a problem with it, but I'm also not an expert so maybe there's more to it I don't know?

No matter what she thinks, it sounds like you're happy with the tattoo, so if it isn't bothering you then it's probably not urgent that you discuss it. I know I am always prioritizing what I want to talk about and around my T's vacation I wanted my last session to be low stress and positive. This is actually an area I'm working on, just sticking with what I want to do and not second guessing myself When she comes back you will show her right?

[musinglizzy]

The main reason I question it was because I did something elective in my late teens/early 20s, that is just about unheard of (I'm sorry, I'd rather not say), and I did it for my own benefit. She took it as a form of self harm and punishment. I have a history of MENTALLY punishing myself.... and I was very surprised by her reaction to that. So I'm just leery.

Petra5ed, you make sense....that's exactly it. It's my last session before a 3 week break, and I would like to prioritize what we discuss. Not discuss things like this, which could be interpreted the wrong way. I've got time to sleep on it, and think about it tomorrow. I either go in in short sleeves and have it brought up, or wear something with long sleeves (in 81 degree weather) and hide it. I HAVE worn this certain shirt with long sleeves recently, just because, (I get cold easier than hot), and figure I could always get away with that shirt again. I look like abag lady, but oh well! I'm really going to miss our sessions....and she knows I'm really fretting about that.

[TheWell]

I got some of my tattoos after I started therapy. I showed them to my T when I got them. He's never made a big deal about them.

[musinglizzy]

I think...if it comes up, it comes up. One of them will be noticeable no matter what. The big one, I can hide. But I'd rather not waste my last session for almost three weeks on discussing tattoos. I've slept on it, and just not gonna make a big deal out of it. I'm not going to go out of my way to show it (the big one I mean), but if she sees the small one on my hand, well, I guess I'll bring it up, but really, I'm so red and bruised in one spot today, I'd rather she not see it anyway. Part of the big one is on a pretty sensitive part of my arm (inner, upper arm, and down close to my inner elbow (so a t-shirt won't hide it). It looks REALLY bad this morning in that spot. Red and bruised. It started bruising before I even left the tattoo shop. But I bruise easily anyway. I think I'd rather she not see it till it looks better, so I think my mind is made up.

[musinglizzy]

Just to update....I did end up sharing my new tat(s) with my T during our last session before her break. I decided to wait until closer to the end, when it seemed there was a lull (I think with a session like that, you feel so much pressure to get so much in, you know?) I just kinda whispered "it's gone." She said "what?" And I told her the words that made up the tattoo. "It's gone!" She about jumped out of her skin, "what did you? How did you? Let me SEE!!" I showed her. She grabbed my arm and stared at it for quite awhile, just amazed by it. I told her I feel free now (of that old tattoo). I believe she took it just as it was meant to be taken. She loved the new tattoo. Other people in my life...not so much, but I gotta learn not to care what others think. I've had people tell me I put myself through the physical pain to mask the emotional pain. I guess that's a better way to describe that's how my T might react. But she seemed to love it.