Whiskksy in shot glass

Could you try to get some sleep maybe?

I don't know if she understood the situation. I couldn't seem to get across the fact that I was taking tramadol before Thursday to make my problems go away. She didn't really understand that I don't gave a prescription for it and I wasn't taking it for physical pain.

Regardless of whether she understood it or not, you do ...

And ... That is all that matters!

Please quit playing games with self-medicating before it kills you!

Sincerely,
Pfrog!



ps. I tried to delete my previous post before you saw it because I'm not sure if you are open to receiving input that's blunt and to the point about YOUR RESPONSIBILITY for YOUR OWN RECOVERY PROCESS!

Yes ... It sucks!

No ... It isn't fair!

But the bottom line is that IT IS UP TO YOU AND NOBODY ELSE BUT YOU ... !!!

Wishing You The Best In Making The Correct Choices!

Yeah she thought I got drunk only once. So she wasn't on the same page.

I know you're right. It's just really hard.

I know it's hard ...

But your very life is counting on you!

I hope you value yourself enough to save yourself!

i hesitate to mention this because i think the psych ward of a hospital is one of the levels of hell, but would checking yourself in voluntarily help? like be a lesser circle of hell than the one you're in?

Nope it wouldn't be. I'd be trapped in there in this state where my parents could just pull me out of school and prevent me from going home.

The fuzzy/drunk/hungover feeling wore off around dinner time today and I just can't do it. I even had a friend over and we played video games but he was still around. I had to ask him for help. It hurt. The flashbacks are small but they are constant. I can't not drink. I can't keep thinking about all of this. I'd rather die. I want to cut myself so badly all the time when I'm completely clear thinking. I want to cut just knowing he's in this house. I want to cut just knowing that I'm sitting on the same chair where he has sat. I can't not drink. I can't handle being around him. I'm going to have to drive to the store and get my own stuff tomorrow before I drink enough that he notices half a bottle has been drank. I just can't. Every little thing upsets me. Footsteps. I'm happier hungover. Why am I here right now? I shouldn't be in this house. I can't handle it and I just need to do whatever to get through the week. And the car ride with him. Especially the car ride. I can't think about that ride. I can't handle being in the same room as him. I hide in the basement all day just to avoid seeing his face. This is absolute torture and if anyone has any better suggestions than drugs and alcohol, I'll take it. I feel nothing drunk. Nothing and everything but in a good way.

I mixed it tonight and I haven't had enough yet to be completely drunk. Or it hasn't set in yet. I'm drinking now. I just can't stay sober. I can't stay with reality because my reality is horrifying. I can't have alcohol in the dorms where I'll be living this year. So I can drink every night now and be drunk for a week and then just completely stop. That isn't so bad.

I'll forward this to LCM.

You're driving now, unlike last summer, and it sounds like you have access to a car. And a friend you can call. Why are you choosing to spend so much time in the house?

It doesn't matter. I have to come back to this house my frond only responded today

I agree maybe just trying to get out of the house as much as possible is a good idea. I used to just go to the university library where I live all the time. I would stay in there for hours, and read, and do things on the computer. If you are near a big R1 it might be open late. You can also try to sleep when everyone else is awake, if you have trouble sleeping take a benadryl and put something over your eyes. You can also buy a fan and ear plugs to block out the noise.

Yeah my sleep schedule is a disaster anyway so I sleep until around noon and go to bed around 6am. I miss most of their crap.

I'm sorry guys. I know I shouldn't be doing this. Any of this. The drinking to avoid stuff, the drinking so much, the posting while drunk. I'm having a really rough time and I appreciate your support. I just hope I'm not making anyone too nervous... I'll be okay. I'm keeping myself safe for the most part. Except for well yeah...

Sorry and thank you

I know our abusers can have so much power over us ... It makes me and very, very that you feel so trapped and powerless ... It's damn scary to jump out here on your own and to be completely cut off from family and their financial support ... To lose all friends and connections from that time because your abusers use them to get to you ... It's damn hard ... And it's not fair, and we spend the rest of our lives trying to rebuild our lives from absolutely nothing ... But, it is doable, and there are so many resources out here that can help you do that!

I'm hoping you take back your power and escape this prison you're living in, because now that you are aware of it, it is not them making you a prisoner anymore, it is you building your own prison ... And, I know of what I speak because here I am 21 years later still trying to deconstruct the walls of my own prison that I built around myself, thinking I was protecting myself from them when in fact I was just reinforcing their abuse on myself for them.

Again, wishing you the best in making correct choices now ... Your very life depends on it!

Sincerely,
Pfrog!

I care about you Growli, and understand. I have experienced some similar things. I feel my words are too inadequate to provide you the help you need. Just know that many here are supporting you and wishing to ease your pain. CSC

I'm working on being independent as fast as I can. I can't do it now, but I do have a plan with concrete steps to take when I get home.

I'm just trying to figure out now. Right now, I'm starving but don't want to go get food because I know he's up there. Right now, I am a prison and it doesn't matter who technically put me here. I'm here and I'm scared.

Well, okay then ... I'm a bit confused because I thought you were home and now you say when you get home ... So I guess all that's left for me to say is I hope you quit self medicating and get it all figured out and escape without destroying yourself completely ... And, I really do wish you the best, but perhaps I'm being a bit triggered by this thread so it's best if I leave it all be.

Good Luck ...

Sincerely,
Pfrog!

growli, i'm concerned you may not be able to stop the drinking even when you get back to school. can you try journaling or painting or writing music/songs or something to get the flashbacks out of your head? i know for me if i can write out or somehow express whatever is bothering me i am much calmer. getting wasted every day is just not a good idea.

we couldn't have alcohol in our dorms either.

certainly didn't stop anyone :P

My best friend is an RA though and I doubt she would hesitate to repost me because the idea of my being drunk makesx her nervous rob begin witg.