Couch 78: Put your feet up and stay a while

I have been extremely silly today talking about horrible hairy hamsters and yelling to people in the street to warn about the hamsters.

Rhymes and alliteration seem to feature in my mania.

That still leaves sex and gambling.
And coffee and chocolate.

I am sorry - I am feeling so bad but I don't know what to do. I know I should see T tomorrow and I will - but I just feel so low and rejected. I feel I don't belong here or anywhere. I'm sorry.

Gah- I need sun. It has been grey and drizzly for three days.

Maybe one of the ways you could start to stand up for yourself would be to stop apologizing for posting? You have as much right to post as anyone else.

I know I haven't read or posted here in ages but I popped in right now. Aloneandafraid, you are always helpful to me and compassionate to others too. You're a good person who deserves good things.

Thanks to everyone for caring about my h and giving me hugs in my threads. He's feeling okay. Chemo is next week. It's every 3 weeks. We won't know if it's helping until he gets a CT scan a week or more after the chemo.

I learned some more about our financial stuff last night. Like use other money before the IRA's because you have to pay all the tax when you use the IRA. I know, basic fact I should know but I had only a hazy idea about it. We pay a lot of bills online at our bank's website but many are auto pay. I have to learn which are which.

The mother is out of surgery but doc is letting her go home so I guess no time to myself

I've decided that sun is so important I'm going to move to Queensland in 2016.

Chemo is horrible but it can be effective.

I just got an hour's worth of sun walking home from t. Its only a mile and a half, and mostly downhill in this direction, but its a slow trudge when youre carrying over 100 extra lbs of beans and chocolate

Ugh, hate to be mocked on other threads….a simple "no thank you" would have sufficed.

you can lead a horse to water...

Thank you. I just feel I don't. I know I need to stand up for myself. This is so pathetic (was just about to apologize again!!)

I always feel no-one likes me and that everyone else's needs are valid but somehow mine aren't. I always think everyone on here is fed up with me/annoyed with me/that I'm just being a nuisance/wasting everyone's time. I feel this all the time.

Ok - will try to stop apologising..... Thank you.

Had physical therapy today, and was having a pretty discreet panic attack when the physical therapist put her hand on my chest to steady me for some shoulder manipulation. My heart was hammering so hard, she could feel it. ugh. She is a holistic practitioner and had already done some tests and had commented on my adrenal system operating on overload, and my limbic system seeming like it was 'stuck' on fight or flight in a way that is unusual. I finally just told her that my mother was horrendously abusive and I have issues around being touched by other women and it was not personal. She indicated she wasn't taking it personally because the adrenal thing and limbic system responses were showing her it was a chronic thing very much consistent with PTSD. I hate it when people know and I feel horrible when showing weakness by having people be able to tell when I am afraid or upset.

Saw T right afterward and he kept working on getting me to see flashbacks (which is what he said was happening in the physical therapy) are 'okay' and not embarrassing. bleah. I hate flashbacks. I hate therapy. I think therapy is making the flashbacks worse. T agreed it probably was, but only because I am letting my guard down more and actually addressing my issues rather than shoving them into a closet inside my head.

Repeat after me:

I want this!
I deserve this!
I am God's greatest miracle!

Wow...MKAC that PT visit sounds really stressful but it could be really really good for you in getting some exposure to the thing you fear by a safe person where your body could learn not every woman is unsafe....

Indeed. It is quite distressing.

MKAC -it sounds quite an exhausting experience.

Omg after being at the hospital all day with the mother she just injected herself with 50 units of fast acting insulin when it was suppose to be 8. I am so sick of this crap. How has she not killed herself being here alone. Or is it all manipulative. Knowing I'm here to deal with it

granite, that is scary!!! I once took 10 units too much and I was really shaking.

50 units could be manipulation or cognitive problems. Sorry she is so hard on you.

**** it, Granite, it's her problem. Give her the whole fricking bottle. It is just her manipulations. Or maybe that's my mother I'm talking about.

Holy crap. I would be out of there like a bat out of christmas. Is she trying to get you effing arrested? I would call her doctor or social services and tell them that you are obviously an upsetting influence for her, or maybe it was the anesthesia, since she tried to sui, and she has never done that before, even tho she asked you to come. At any rate, she is now unstable and needs to be in a nursing home where her meds will be monitored. You cannot be responsible without backup from them. Totally get this documented

Eta - esp if the surgeon signed her out to your care. They had signed my mom out to me and she was a terrible patient.

Granite... I think you should just monitor while your mother does her meds without making a big deal about it.... I wouldn't let her get too dependent on you..

She may be a little off from anesthesia or pain meds...



ETA... Don't let the mother suck you into feeling too sorry for her... She needs to get back on her feet and back to taking care of herself.

Ready, youre nice i admit, im suspicious! And heartless. Sorry if i overreacted.

Both the physical therapist and therapist therapist said something similar. She was talking about neural plasticity at one point and that working with her might help lower the intensity of my PTSD reactions.