Letter to my T (Is this instigating?)

Backwards hug is like a conga line, only sitting down and not dancing. Back to chest.

Totally get it. It sounds completely non-stressful for either party and potentially very warm and comforting. So if IRL's hugs were like these, then all my comments, as I said, are irrelevant. I thought the hugs were something else.

irl, i think your T feels ethically obligated to see you and that is why she feels she can't terminate with you. she pretty much said as much in what you relayed in your post last week. i think she is worried if she terminates, and probably even with a referral, that you will attempt suicide due to your bpd diagnosis. so, she continues to see you which is incredibly damaging with the way she is going about it.

her joking that you would slash her tires is nuts. if you were a violent person she could have very well put that idea in your head and you might have done it. obviously, that isn't something you'd do and you had no idea she wouldn't get the joke note. i would be totally hurt too if someone kept making a mean joke like that. totally unprofessional and quite foolish on her part to ever say that.

i know you have mentioned in the past that she'd hold you for most of the session. i don't know what sort of therapy that is supposed to be but it sounds similar to reparenting which is known to screw up the client in the vast majority of cases. how she thinks doing that and then taking it away isn't going to mess with your head is beyond me. your T is just so incompetent i want to scream!

i'm not sure your letters are going to get you anywhere. you could just ask her if she feels she has to continue seeing you for professional ethical reasons (due to your diagnosis). like we all told you previously she will never tell you she doesn't want to work with you because that would probably lead to her losing her license and it would be totally unethical. you deserve much better treatment irl. i know you have said you can be a difficult client but your T does not seem in any way competent to treat you.

which is why I've posted entire sessions on here, so I can get other peoples full unbiased opinion based on what REALLY HAPPENED vs what I THINK happened through my unreliable black/white filter.

yes, the hugs were like these. Back to chest, blanket between us. Very mother comforting child style. Sometimes she'd have one arm around me and the other hand on my forehead or stroking my hair. Now she sits by me and lets me put my head on her shoulder but she doesn't turn into me at all. I assume so I don't come into contact with her soft bits ::shrug:: A few months back I asked why she switched and she said it was bc the holding was "never right to begin with." But did not elaborate on why she felt that, or who told her it wasn't right.

I don't even understand how a front to front hug would work, lol, itd be very awkward! But anyway the blanket folded double was fine by me, but then to use those gigantic couch pillows started making me feel dirty.

Ahh I get it the mental image I had was that her crotch would be unavoidably touching your back or your butt as you laid back snuggled into her arms, you guys reclining on the couch or whatever, and it just struck me as potentially very stressful and awkward. Sorry, I didn't mean to cast aspersions on the motives of your T and her hugs. The Hankster backwards hug that she did sounds a lot more therapeutic!

well..i guess it was uncomfortable (for her) once or twice bc sometimes id shift to my side (in her arms) and my face would be on her shoulder/near her armpit, lol and one day she asked me if she smelled bc I had my nose right in her armpit lol and I didnt even notice it. I was too busy crying on her.

Some food for thought:

1. Why do you continue seeing her?

2. What are the pro's and con's of continuing to see her?

3. What do you hope to get out from therapy with her?

Edited: From what you have said, it seems to me that your therapist is afraid to terminate with you because you might file a complaint.

i asked her that point blank and she denied it so i dont know. if shes only seeing me bc shes afraid ill report her then ill leave. but i dont know. she wont tell the truth. or maybe she did tell the truth when she said no, but i dont believe her. i dont know.

Topazs questions bring up a good point. It would be impossible for me to have made a REAL decision about whether or not to continue seeing any of my ts. Usually i would move, like across country! Or some other real disaster, like losing a job. But otherwise? And come to think of it, changing jobs or moving is usually a disaster too. Nothing is ever a normal everyday human decision. Thats why i dont have real furniture.

Honestly, I would stop with the letters. Stop with the back and forth, stop posting the sessions online and move forward with your therapy.

Is any of this helping you? You seemed locked in the match with your therapist and it's only hurting you.

If I were to make any changes to the letter it would be to thank her for the good years and ask for referrals. then start scheduling the termination phase.

Healing, recovery, learning new ways of living are hard, but they are sooooo worth it. There is a much better l life out there.

had a pretty decent session tonight...

Tell us more!! What's going on? What's the state of things?

Did you talk about the old note on her car?

vaguely, mentioned in passing. She hadn't even read the handwritten letter, so I took it back from her (not letting her keep a copy like she likes for my chart) and I read it to her instead. She responded a bit, said I was much more talkative than normal, I expressed how I felt the decisions/mistakes she had made contributed to my sense that she had "stolen" my safety. And for the first time we did not argue.

She did however tell me that the arguing is ALL me, bc she takes her inventory regularly and she is the least fightingest person she knows, she does not fight with anyone, ever- just me. So I must be bringing it to the table.

This week she did not respond to a question about changing session time, and she said I can't e-mail this week either due to her going out of town for labor day weekend, and did not tell me this during session. Normally I would fly into a rage over it, but this time I was just briefly irritated and then I got over it. It was nice.

But I am also on a new medication called Latuda that I am actually taking (I'm prescribed lexapro, abilify, xanax, gabapentin and naltrexone) none of which I take as prescribed. In fact I take nothing except xanax as needed for panic or bouts of suicidal ideation. But I've been taking the new latuda miracle wonder drug and so far my worst side effect is killer headaches, but I'm hoping they go away as my body adjusts. But I am just not as angry as I normally am. I suspect maybe it's all in my head bc I've barely been on it for two weeks, but ::shrug:: Maybe it works bc I think it works, lol.

Isn't Latuda for bipolar? I'm currently on wellbutrin, cymbalta, and have a prescription for abilify if I want to take it, but I'm paranoid about weight gain. Pdoc suggested Lithium last time. I know it's usually for bipolar. Are you bipolar? Does Latuda feel better than Lexapro?

I'm not bipolar, (just major depression) but two diff docs suggested the latuda for controlling my mood swings and my ANGER. I guess this drug is really supposed to do wonders for anger issues. And its supposed to not cause weight gain either (probably due to the restlessness it inspires) but the first few days I kept feeling like flies were landing on my skin it was nuts. But that has passed and now I feel a lot better. Cant say how it is compared to lexapro bc I never took the lexapro. I am bad. I think im supposed to be still taking the lexapro tho...I'm supposed to be still taking all my meds just adding the latuda on, but i am not bc I am disobedient and i dont like meds that wipe away my personality, wipe away who I am- disordered personality or not.

Could you tell your Pdoc how they make you feel and see if he can prescribe some antidepressants that don't do that?

i dont have a pdoc right now. i was seeing one at the clinic but he quit for private practice, and i havent been reassigned yet bc i am not due to see anyone for like 4 months. I had beifly switched to a pp pdoc but then i was added to a wraparound program that has their own psychiatrist (shes retarded) but shes the one who gave the latuda. i am however currently on hiatus from participation in their program for a month, so until the end of september bc they have just hired a new girl who is not yet trained and apparently doesnt really have time for meeting with clients since she scheduled two meetings with me and canceled both of them- the second one about 2 minutes before we were due to meet, and I had been looking forward to the meeting bc I was feeling seriously ******. anyway I dont like the unpredictability and last minute cancellations so I asked to be removed from their roster until they got more situated, and i suggested a month would give them time to do that, so in the mean time if I have a med problem I will go back to the clinic. but i feel ok so no hurry. (there are no meds ive tried that dont have some terrible effect on weight or erasing emotion) but theres a DNA test that lets them test you for how your body will interact with most psych meds, and what ones are dangerous for your particular chemistry, and i want to try to get them to test me to eliminate the guesswork of these ****ing medications. but i have to wait till the end of september bc i strongly doubt that the county clinic will order the dna test for me.

Latuda starts working as soon as you take it, it doesn't have to build up in your system like an SSRI.

great, then! lol. i am much nicer when my anger is not out of control. both to myself and to others.

It's an atypical antipsychotic that's also approved for bipolar depression, psychiatrists like to use antipsychotics also for treatment resistant depression or very severe depression.

I recommend taking it for a while longer, side effects usually reduce after a while and there are side effects with most medication. Of course I am not qualified to give medical advice, that's just my opinion and if in doubt one should ask their practitioner.

I take Latuda, too, and had severe side effects in the beginning. More than a year later I have none. It was a life saver for me, but I know it's not like that for everyone.