What makes you keep fighting, when you are very low?

I make a list of EVERYTHING I would miss. Things like vanilla ice cream, my dog, my T, natures beauty, coffee in the morning. Then I think about how much pain the people, that actually care for me, would be in. I think how my T would struggle with his emotions and thoughts about my death and if he did enough. It would be tormenting. I think of the incredible sadness my husband would feel and the blame he would place on himself. Then I think of how things are really not as bad as I make them out to be. That so what if I try things and fail. Yeah I can say all this now because I am not in a triggered state. Very hard to feel all that when I am feeling dispair and I am just unable to care.

I keep remembering things change and new things happen so I wait for change or go looking for new things. I take something comfortable and put a new twist on it or I look at it with new eyes until it gives me a new idea of something new to try.

Indestructible, I have not read enough to know your story totally, but what keeps me going when I feel like I can't, is the thought that if I am no longer here, the people who hurt me and seemingly tried to methodically destroy me will win. They will not win, I will. I am a warrior and I will win.