[DelusionsDaily]

How do you do it? I don't care what that unhealthy "thing" is...relationship, obsession, habit, etcetera. How do you let go once you realize that unhealthy "thing" is truly detrimental to you in whatever way? Just wondering...need to truly let go of an obsession with an old relationship.

Any thoughts welcome. Thanks.

[unaluna]

It helps if they key your car. Your feelings will go to zero pretty quickly. So - some kind of really good distraction? Remember on Friends, the guys had 3 phases for getting over a gf? I thought it was neat that they had an official process, in a weird way!

[HazelGirl]

I'm no expert. But for me, knowing for a fact that things can't ever go back to what they were helped.

[kororain]

I worked with him. I got a different job. I forced myself not to contact him. Now I don't really want to... except when I'm in crisis, then I want to talk to him so bad. But I have so far resisted.

Just to let it go, doesn't mean the feelings within you that attracted you to that person/have gone.
I have to keep talking about it with T and almost as a aside, my feelings towards it/her/him change and the thing no longer matters I the same way.

[ScarletPimpernel]

It's easy for me, sadly. You're either in my life or not (probably part of the BPD?). I let some people back in, but most aren't welcome.

I guess distractions? Doing things for yourself that make you feel good. Be around other people that make you feel good. Know that you survived before this person was in your life and you can survive without them now.

[JustShakey]

Oh. Not easy. Like Hankster says, it helps if they key your car. Or constantly tell you you're stupid for having a different opinion to theirs. Or expect you to be happy when they 'give' you what they want. Or get upset when you do things for you. Or only throw a bone in your direction when they want something. Or... etc...
It's f****** hard, but every time you want to obsess and cling to this person/habit/whatever, remind yourself of all the sh^tty things they've done to you.
This morning I was struggling through a moment of regretting some of the decisions I've made lately, but then it struck me that the idea of my unhealthy relationship is nothing like the reality of it. It's the idea I don't want to lose, but my idea will never become my reality if I don't let go of this relationship.

[InRealLife45]

Originally Posted by DelusionsDaily

How do you do it? I don't care what that unhealthy "thing" is...relationship, obsession, habit, etcetera. How do you let go once you realize that unhealthy "thing" is truly detrimental to you in whatever way? Just wondering...need to truly let go of an obsession with an old relationship.

Any thoughts welcome. Thanks.

you take it day by day. its a struggle. my unhealthy things are cutting and food issues- i dont struggle anymore with cutting on a daily basis (now its more like fleeting urges that pass not acted upon) but the food thing-daily battle. DAILY. every bite is a decision im making and a concious one.

so letting go means being mindful- both of yourself and the consequences if you engage in the behavior.

[DelusionsDaily]

Thanks everyone. I hate the struggle I go through to let go again when this person comes up. It's like I'm addicted to him and can't stop obsessing. Although, I think he(x-pdoc) is slowly fading again. About darn time.

[HazelGirl]

They actually say that complicated grief is sort of similar to an addiction in your mind. But instead of the subject bringing you a "high" like a drug might, it does the opposite: It brings you down and causes you to want them there to fill that void created, if that makes sense. Thinking about them increases your desire for them.

[DelusionsDaily]

I think I have accepted he's not going to respond. I think that is the first step in me letting go again. I didn't wake up thinking about him that's another good sign. We'll see how today goes.

[The_little_didgee]

Originally Posted by hankster

It helps if they key your car.

What does this mean?

I had an odd obsession to a material item for years. At first it didn't bother me but as I got older I became very embarrassed and desperate to free myself from it. I associated that item with a bad period of my life. That pairing broke my obsession.

[Fuzzybear]

[unaluna]

An ex once literally keyed my car. Ie scratched the crap out of it with their keys, broke the mirrors and wipers, etc. That got me over my positive feelings For this person. It also made me want to see if i could turn around and come back, like hit rewind, and my car would magically be okay. It wasnt!

[Salmon77]

I try to think about what I am actually looking for by indulging--why does it make me feel good, what kind of good feeling is it? Or if it's a bad feeling then why am I doing it? And then I try to find another way to satisfy the real need. Like if you were seeking to feel less lonely, there are better ways to deal with loneliness--make plans with a friend or even just write a note to say hello.

[DelusionsDaily]

Well right now all I say when I start to think of him is, "it's his loss cuz I'm doing super fantastic and he's not getting to be part of it." I don't need him which is sometimes what my mind will try to convince me of.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by DelusionsDaily

Well right now all I say when I start to think of him is, "it's his loss cuz I'm doing super fantastic and he's not getting to be part of it." I don't need him which is sometimes what my mind will try to convince me of.

This is why i thought it was transference to a parental figure. I cant count how many times i have felt this way towards various people, ts or otherwise. It just seems too strong an emotion to just be connected to the t relationship.

[DelusionsDaily]

Transference is part of the issue. I've always kinda saw him like a father figure.

[WePow]

for me the letting go happened only after i allowed myself to experience fully all the agony that relationship brought me... it was very brutal to feel all of it... I brought up each memory and cried and then moved to the next... fell asleep crying... woke up the next day and the spell was broken!!! Next time I saw the person I was actually just void of any emotion about them... it was so nice