[Leah123]

I was talking about... some difficult things in therapy Friday. Got briefly suicidal, got over that after a while, but am still feeling very anxious and shaky, four or five days later. Sometimes I just need time to settle I guess. I have PTSD, I think it makes settling harder, as does being short on sleep and having a lot of present day work to do, so it's hard to... focus, relax, recuperate. I wrote my therapist about it last night. I told her what I was trying to combat it, focusing away from it, doing relaxing things, change of scenery, mindfulness, visualizations, and old standbys like comfort food, etc. Some things help... but... don't stick.

First she misunderstood me and thought I was anxious I didn't hear back from her, so I let her know that wasn't it, I just wasn't feeling well and was trying to throw myself into other things, but it was hard to shake. So, she sent me the song link to Hakuna Matata, sigh. Feels dismissive, like here just rinse your brain out with this, good luck! I let her know I was discouraged and not sure what to ask for: that the only thing I remember helping when it got so bad was having her walk me through an anti-anxiety exercise, but I won't be having a session til Friday, so that's not an option. I told her too, darn it, that if she was trying to tell me to just accept it and be patient, that she could just tell me that. She didn't reply, not sure why, but could very well have been because it was late, though she was listed as online/working.

I wish I hadn't said that in retrospect, but... if you tell someone you feel so awful and they send you a cartoon song link, sigh, it just didn't work. It might've worked, but I can't just be snapped out of it right now. I tried not to sound combative writing back: took me three or four tries, and I gave myself a C+ on my attempt.

And I guess that's why I'm upset. I'm not just snapping out of it. Am I just wallowing, I don't know. Can't I just try harder to ignore it and throw myself into other things. Or should I sit and accept the feeling. I can manage that with most feelings, sit and let them be, but the anxiety... it's a killer. I can't sit with the feeling of not being able to breathe, of shaking. I'm trying. I don't know if I'm making it worse by mentioning it, or if I should just ignore it. Sometimes, when it's this bad, I just want someone near by to... talk me through it? I don't know... help me calm down. But I'm really alone, there's no one like that right now.

It's such a war to decide whether to push her to get it and help me more or to be upset and retreat for a while or what. It's alright... anxiety won't kill me! I don't know why I'm writing this: maybe some anti-anxiety guru will have magic words for me. HA. I need the right mantra and I don't know it. I get stuck feeling anxious and sometimes it's hard to get unstuck. (And I'm on deadline! I have three things I should be doing right this minute, and none of them is writing this, ha.)

Why am I even anxious, I hardly know anymore. I should maybe be telling myself things are alright. It just gets so hard to concentrate.

Hi Leah123, I get some tremendous anxiety, and it's often heightened when my T doesn't get it or say the right thing.
All I know that helps is to break every moment down into individual pieces, individual tasks and refuse to let yourself look beyond the present moment. Be strict with yourself and try to stay on task. You rightly say that no comfort sticks for long (which is why I've gained about 12 lb in the last 8 months!) So its so important to take each moment as an individual chunk of time.
What I'm talking about is mindfulness of course, but sometimes it helps to break down what it entails because it's easy to lose sight of its meaning.
Friday is not far away and I know you have a great T so I have no doubt she can help you, but in the meantime try to concentrate on the next step, not the flight of stairs.
Sorry you are going through this xx

[NowhereUSA]

is it just general anxiety? or is anxiety specifically with certain thoughts?

in dbt we practice mindfulness which is, we acknowledge the emotion, then we determine what to do. act opposite, distract, practice distress tolerance, urge surf. one of the suggestions is to give yourself time to worry. if you are anxious about something, a memory or something coming up, then say "I'm going to be anxious at 1pm" and then when 1pm comes, let yourself experience the anxiety thoughts for a set period of time like half an hour.

in my own experience, holding on to an emotion or trying to ignore it sometimes makes it worse.

other things: imagery, like can you listen to a soothing song and imagine a place that's calming?

or muscle relaxation where you tense all your muscles and let each one relax one at a time.

sometimes changing body temp - ice pack or hot bath.

i'm sorry. anxiety is tough

[Leah123]

Thanks. It's general anxiety at this point, the physiological aftereffect of pushing too hard in therapy I think, combined w/the normal stressors.

I've done imagery, helped for a while.
I've done changing temperatures, helped for a while.
I've changed directions, done some counterprogramming, such as gardening, listening to helpful music, etc. And got some extra rest.

I'm struggling to do more as my concentration is shot.

Giving in for a while is tempting, but no time right now, and the idea of putting it off seems impossible.

I'll try imagery again maybe. Just tried another mindfulness exercise, but am really struggling to concentrate.

P.S. Thanks for replying because it got me thinking that if I was short on time and concentration, maybe I needed to focus on simple physical reassurance. That's probably why I don't want to be alone, or want my therapist, so I wrapped up in a quilt and that helps a bit. If anyone else wants to reply or has ideas, I'd be glad for them though.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

Hi Leah123, I get some tremendous anxiety, and it's often heightened when my T doesn't get it or say the right thing.

Sorry you are going through this xx

Thanks, yes, I felt a lot more... combative and upset when she sent that song. It was out of proportion... I'm sure she's trying to help and just... jump start me feeling better. I thought a good night's sleep would help, I almost never get one, but I did last night, but still woke up anxious. Urgh.

[NowhereUSA]

that sounds rough

self-soothing can be helpful. aromas, tastes, touch (like the quilt). sometimes i overload my system. i'll watch a loud, action movie while playing a game on my iphone while eating something (like popcorn or chocolate). it's like by engaging more of my senses my brain doesn't have time to deal with the anxiety.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by NowhereUSA

that sounds rough

self-soothing can be helpful. aromas, tastes, touch (like the quilt). sometimes i overload my system. i'll watch a loud, action movie while playing a game on my iphone while eating something (like popcorn or chocolate). it's like by engaging more of my senses my brain doesn't have time to deal with the anxiety.

Thanks. Sometimes I find the overstimulation stressful, like if things are too loud I can't be properly hypervigilant, ha, but you reminded me about aromas, thank you- am going to get this anti-anxiety lotion I got. Can't hurt.

Ugh, been half an hour and I haven't walked the 10 feet to my bathroom for the lotion, sigh. Going now.

Another 10 minutes and I haven't *opened* the lotion. I need to stop paying attention to these things.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Leah123

And I guess that's why I'm upset. I'm not just snapping out of it. Am I just wallowing, I don't know. Can't I just try harder to ignore it and throw myself into other things. Or should I sit and accept the feeling. I can manage that with most feelings, sit and let them be, but the anxiety... it's a killer. I can't sit with the feeling of not being able to breathe, of shaking. I'm trying. I don't know if I'm making it worse by mentioning it, or if I should just ignore it. Sometimes, when it's this bad, I just want someone near by to... talk me through it? I don't know... help me calm down. But I'm really alone, there's no one like that right now.

It's such a war to decide whether to push her to get it and help me more or to be upset and retreat for a while or what. It's alright... anxiety won't kill me! I don't know why I'm writing this: maybe some anti-anxiety guru will have magic words for me. HA. I need the right mantra and I don't know it. I get stuck feeling anxious and sometimes it's hard to get unstuck. (And I'm on deadline! I have three things I should be doing right this minute, and none of them is writing this, ha.)

Why am I even anxious, I hardly know anymore. I should maybe be telling myself things are alright. It just gets so hard to concentrate.

There's a different kind of acceptance. Giving up, letting it be whatever it is. No, don't just "sit" with the not breathing but don't fight it either? it just is and does not require anything from you, does not really care about you so you have to not "care" about it, not "sit with" it like that will make it feel better

Sometimes I like to use my imagination in odd ways, turn things on their head. Ask things like, "What can I make this damn anxiety do for me?" Anytime I hear myself say something like, "I have three things I should be doing. . ." I get thankful that something else has stepped in front of me like a bus and stopped me so I can hear myself shoulding myself like that. Who says you should be doing whatever? I always should have been doing my homework but never did and spent 20+ years before I "got it" that it was not my homework but the homework given me by someone else without my consent but with my "acceptance".

What would happen if you decided to be grateful for the anxiety and the struggle to understand and work with it? Make it not about the anxiety but for and about you? Accept the anxiety in the sense that it could help you instead of in the sense of putting up with how it makes you feel? When I use to get so I could not breathe well I would stop and as I was breathing, remind myself that I was breathing. My knees often hurt from my arthritis but I'm walking anyway, I'm climbing those stairs anyway. I may not always be able to but right this moment I can. What do you want to do? Think on that rather than what you "should" do?

[Aloneandafraid]

I'm sorry Leah i don't have any advice other than the mindfulness related breathing/visualisation. I think you've done some really positive things - I am sorry you're struggling. How you are feeling now? I hope you're feeling calmer? I know what you mean about having so much to do - I'm really struggling today. I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and totally relate to your post. Take good care. Xx

[Leah123]

Thanks. I'm still feeling the same, like an internal.... rawness and jitteriness. I tried Perna's strategy, to let the anxiety work for me, and I was glad for a while, to be breathing, breathing means I'm alive and I was so grateful for it I started crying. Being alive means the opportunity to make things better, to fight, which is no small thing.

In terms of the things I need to do vs. what I want to do though...

they kind of overlap. When I said "three things I should be doing" I meant work, homework and some other projects. When I thought about what I wanted to do, it was also to do my writing, which is my homework, but what I feel like doing is curling up in a ball in the corner and not coming out for a while and it's hard to shake that feeling. But also, my daughter will be home momentarily and I have deadlines and such, and what I would like to feel better is to talk to my T and that's not an option. I wrote her though, could hope for a good reply, I just...

I really don't know. I already left work early to focus on another project. I shouldn't have done that. And am supposed to go out w/my daughter soon, but hard to keep up w/so many plans. I have to stop thinking and talking about doing badly and feeling unwell, I think it'll just make it worse...

I'm doing fine, no catastrophes and anxiety isn't fatal, or even close at all, and yeah. I just want someone to calm me down and I can't have it and so I need to get over it.

Thanks for replying, I'm sorry you're struggling.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Hey Leah - so sorry you are struggling. I can identify with this to an eye watering degree. I wish I could say something to help.

[Aloneandafraid]

You are doing so well Leah. Keep going. The crying is a good release I am sure? I just relate so much to your post. You are doing everything I would suggest. I hope you spend quality time with your Daughter - maybe this could help for a while? I also hope you get a good reply from your T. Please keep posting. Take one thing at a time and let it be.

I can't put into words yet how badly hurt I am. A friend has really let me and my son down today and I am so disappointed, hurt and broken. I just feel so hurt I can't imagine ever trusting her (or anyone) again. I can't write much just now. My son is 11 and I feel so angry as well - a taboo emotion for me!

Keep strong Leah. Xxx

[Leah123]

I was doing well yesterday: I went in my garden and I pulled weeds. Sometimes it helps. No time for weeding now, but maybe I can get lost in something else. I think the secret to anxiety is getting lost, absorbed. The thing is... I have a hard time at that.

The most soothing thing I can think of to get lost in right now is my therapist's voice. She has a pretty nice one, soft and gentle with an accent that reminds me of my grandmother's (oooh is it any wonder I'm hooked) and she has a knack for telling me what to do, like "describe the view out your window" that somehow, sometimes works.

I don't have her now, so what can I get lost in, as some other things aren't working and I'm very busy, and can't put everything off. I'm going to see my daughter soon, maybe we'll be able to go out. Perhaps I can get lost in an excursion with her: taking good care of her would be a good way to use the little concentration I have!

That future seems far away though, ha, I'm so bad at telling time sometimes, like right now is a bit of forever, painful forever.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by Aloneandafraid

You are doing so well Leah. Keep going. The crying is a good release I am sure? I just relate so much to your post. You are doing everything I would suggest. I hope you spend quality time with your Daughter - maybe this could help for a while? I also hope you get a good reply from your T. Please keep posting. Take one thing at a time and let it be.

I can't put into words yet how badly hurt I am. A friend has really let me and my son down today and I am so disappointed, hurt and broken. I just feel so hurt I can't imagine ever trusting her (or anyone) again. I can't write much just now. My son is 11 and I feel so angry as well - a taboo emotion for me!

Keep strong Leah. Xxx

Awe, I just read this after I posted- we were typing at the same time. I am SO sorry you're hurt. That's terrible, and I know what you mean: there's little in this world that can make me as angry as when someone hurts or disappoints my daughter. Nothing, really.

I just send you a big huge hug. I am so sorry for whatever's gone wrong.

And your idea about time with my daughter is a good one- I was thinking that right as you were writing it, maybe get caught up in going out with her if I can, and hope it all goes well. Thank you.

[Leah123]

Well, my daughter's home and there goes my fantasy of a fun period of quality time. She's thrown my tripod across the floor, threatened me, told me she hates me and she'll never spend a day with me. Screamed and stormed around, knocked something off the buffet, slammed her door and shut herself in her room:

this triggered by me agreeing that she could play a video game she wanted, but after taking a bath or shower and straightening her room, which are all normal parts of the routine here.

ODD, hello again!

Originally Posted by Leah123

Well, my daughter's home and there goes my fantasy of a fun period of quality time. She's thrown my tripod across the floor, threatened me, told me she hates me and she'll never spend a day with me. Screamed and stormed around, knocked something off the buffet, slammed her door and shut herself in her room:

this triggered by me agreeing that she could play a video game she wanted, but after taking a bath or shower and straightening her room, which are all normal parts of the routine here.

ODD, hello again!

Ah, the joys of parenthood! I have 2 young kids and since the onset of my anxiety I sometimes wonder how I cope at all. When they behave like that it just seems like they don't care; but the truth is they just don't understand. Its so tough to keep up with life. Especially with huge responsibilities like kids. Remember: she doesn't hate you, she loves you!

PS I'm potty training at the moment and its a nightmare! Sometimes I just want to get in the car and drive away!

[Leah123]

Oh potty training, about enough to drive even a sane mother crazy.

I decided to take my fed-upedness and use it: walked into her room with that assertive motherly gait and told her I was going to help her learn how to get along with people, including me. Made her pay the appropriate fine into the bad language jar and told her I wanted an apology.

Magically, haha, she was contrite and paid up, after which things calmed down. We won't be going out today, but... at least I managed that tantrum well, sheesh. We'll go out tomorrow, it will be okay. I'll catch up on work today hopefully and just... try and settle, sigh.

[Restin]

I don't believe anyone "wallows" in anxiety. It just plain hurts too much!!!

[Leah123]

Ha, thank you!!!!!!! I agree, it doesn't seem worth it! I could imagine wallowing in melancholy, has a certain appeal, but anxiety drives me up a wall and is so tiring.

[NowhereUSA]

good job dealing with that on top of your anxiety! i have two, seven and one, and i wish i could scream sometimes. i love them and they can be darlings, but when they're full blown, i'm like eeeeeekkkkk....