disclosed major trauma, asked for hug from T

I didn't think metaphorical was a terrible concept at all. I think it's a poor substitute for a real hug, but quite a decent attempt at an alternative. To me it represents the therapist caring, but not wanting to cross a boundary, like.. holding you in spirit, holding you in his thoughts. I don't think "metaphorical" pertained to what you disclosed at all, just to the type of hug he felt he could offer.

Also, when I referred to termination: no I wouldn't recommend you terminate because your therapist said no to something, if it was me, I'd terminate just because a lack of physical touch is a deal breaker. I find it healing and important. But if you don't want hugs in therapy in general, once your feelings fade, as you're deeply shaken by talking about the trauma, I think you'll see a way through to understanding he cares about you and talking to him about why he doesn't hug and how you can feel best supported given his boundaries.

I'm sorry it hurts so.

Echos Myron... I agree that you are incredibly brave for managing to ask your T for a hug! I can't even imagine! Please, please do not lose the *awesomeness* that you were able to ask for what you wanted!

And... I hope you can go back and talk about it. Hopefully he can explain in a clear, non-awful way *why* he didn't want to give you the hug.

(((hugs)))

I'm very sorry that happened to you, I can remember wanting a hug from my last Therapist at a very hard session and feeling even more depressed after I didn't get one.

Yes I think I would terminate. Easier said than done I know!

I wouldn't mind if a T didn't offer one right on the spot as long as they said something caring and then something to the effect of "Let's talk more about the hug next time, ok?"

If they wouldn't offer anything instead like hand holding, then I'd probably terminate, but that is just me. I have found that I really need this sometimes.

A T has every right to refuse, but I have every right to leave.

I'm so sorry.
Hugs for you from me, anyway.

He may have just been caught of guard. But if you don't feel comfortable seeing him again, then you have every right to not see him and request a different counselor.

Maybe not. Really. Why not go back an feelvaa guarded and doubtful as you need to. Then tell him, as simply as possible, how that response left you feeling, and that you are not sure its repairable. The just see how it unfolds if you just stop going, I'm worried it will be painful for a long time.

At the moment (and it's probably not true) I feel as though I can dismiss this as long as I don't have to see him again. He knew how much I feared rejection from him. I considered asking him carefully but I decided my need for comfort outweighed the risk of rejection. I just feel that he has knowingly reinforced every presupposition I have about trusting people

There are other T's who will gladly give comfort. I hope you find someone warmer, if you seek a new T.

I'm so sorry. Maybe he thought it is still too early and wasn't sure it would be the best thing to do at the moment.. thinking of you.

I am so sorry!

Therapists...far TOO many of them have no clue!

They are there just to get a paycheck!

I suggest finding a new one.

I think you should consider carefully whether his refusal to hug you physically really is a rejection, or whether it only feels like a rejection.

The first is a deal breaker; the second is appropriate to explore within therapy.

That is really, really... Difficult. Jeez. I feel for you.

I'm not sure what the difference is? If there a difference I don't know how to work out which it is. Is the answer in me or him?

By the way, in spite of not wanting him to read what I write on PC, I sent him this thread this morning. I thought it would be the best way to show him where I'm at. I wouldn't be able to write an email directly to him at the moment as it is too painful.
He hasn't responded yet.

There is a difference though there may not feel like there is so it would be hard to sort out. I am guessing that what is being considered is for you to think about the intention behind not hugging and saying it would have to be metaphorical. If this is a standard policy or something that in the moment was felt to be the most appropriate response, then it is clearly not intended as rejection. It may feel that way regardless. Therapists tend not to do things that are deliberately rejecting toward their clients. That sorta crosses purposes with what they are supposed to be doing. But therapists do have feelings and reactions and may do things that are not always the best for the client.

Even if that happens, it is still open to repair. Lots can be discussed and worked through, even when there has been a very upsetting interaction. In fact, sometimes that rupture/repair works to strengthen the relationship. Not saying you have to consider it. just saying that it is possible.

Once my therapist actually said to me over the phone, "I don't really like you very much right now." You would think that that would have lead to leaving, especially since I was in crisis and needed support. But though I didn't like it, I understood that he had reached a certain limit, that I had been acting out, and that I wasn't being so easy to get along with. He told the truth. I didn't take it as rejection but as his expression of being worn thin. To qualify that though, we had many years behind us and were going through something unusual so I didn't generalize it to his overall attitude.

It will be impossible to really know until you talk to him about it. And there is really no way to know what was in his mind when he said it. I know it genuinely feels like he knowingly said something despite being aware of your difficulty with rejection, but consider this: If he is very accepting of you and has absolutely no feeling inside of him that is rejection of you, then it would be difficult for him to just guess that his statement would feel like rejection to you. Does that make sense? I don't know if you've heard of it before, but what you're experiencing right now is called a therapeutic rupture.

I would really encourage you to talk to him about it. I've had lots of ruptures happen over the years with my therapist, and when I've finally talked to her about things, amazing things have happened. Along the way, I read something about the "repair" of these ruptures is truly one of the most healing things. Ruptures are often caused by things from our earliest relationships that weren't good, and a therapist actively pursuing repair of a rupture in the relationship can go a long way toward lessening the impact of the past. It has been extraordinarily healing for me.

I will give him more time before I make a decision, but I contacted him with the content of this thread and he hasn't responded at all. That to me doesn't look like someone actively pursuing repair in the relationship.
When I discussed my anxiety before sessions he mentioned that he as a therapist should 'do no harm' (I reassured him that therapy in itself was not doing me harm) I think he is worrying about doing me harm, but actually I interpret his silence as confirmation of rejection. Surely there lies the greater harm.

Why do you want hug from him?

It is the weekend. My therapist doesn't even check his email. We do text, but long periods of time can pass before he will respond. And if it is something he thinks needs to be discussed properly, he will wait till session or call if urgent. I'm not sure that I would interpret silence as confirmation of rejection. You don't even know if he has received the email or not yet.

Because I felt more vulnerable and afraid than I ever had before, and I had just told him something terribly traumatic that nobody else knows about me. I wanted to feel safer.

He does check his email on a weekend. He has always responded to me on a weekend before. If he wants to discuss it in session that's fine, except we didn't set up another appointment and don't want to chase him about that.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he hasn't checked his email or something.

I am sorry that this has become something to add to what was already difficult. Handling traumatic material is very tricky and delicate. It is really important that things around it are smooth so I understand that this feels terrible in that context.

Sometimes they have to think about it before they respond to email. I texted my T and he replied after three days saying he had to think about it so maybe its the same thing with your T.