He said "it will have to be metaphorical"
Now I never want to see him again.

[growlycat]

That has happened to me before too, and for me it is a deal breaker. For others, sometimes other actions make people feel better.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

[lunatic soul]

Sorry it happened to you and I completely understand you
Hope you will feel better soon

Thanks. Feels like the end. He asked what time next week I just said I don't know, I have to go home. Was shaking as I put money on sofa next to me.

Originally Posted by growlycat

That has happened to me before too, and for me it is a deal breaker. For others, sometimes other actions make people feel better.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

By deal breaker, do u mean you would terminate?

[Leah123]

I would terminate. Of course, it totally depends on how attached you are, how invested and if you feel there are other things he could offer that would be as helpful.

There are a number of understandable reasons not to hug after disclosing trauma too, by the way, so I really don't feel he was being unreasonable or acting unusually for his profession, and it sounds like he did try to bridge the gap with that 'metaphorical' hug mention, but, nonetheless: when I feel so bad, I want a hug and it's an important part of the therapy for me, so, I wouldn't see a non-hugger. I did that for a couple years long ago and it was not helpful.

I do think it's really important the hugs be clear, safe, thought-out, etc.

I'm really really sorry you're feeling so shaky and vulnerable, it's an awful feeling.

(HUGS)

[lunatic soul]

Why terminate?
There are Ts who doesn't do hugs, I terminated because he didn't hug me anymore but I regret it.
If you want T who hugs you can find another one but I don;t want any of others Ts to touch me so yeah... hell

[vonmoxie]

That's just sad. What I find most concerning is this: Was he really so shocked by the question, that this was the best answer he could come up with on the fly? Or was this really the best answer he could come up with? At least offer an alternative. Even a fist bump carries with it more humanity than a metaphorical hug.

I don't want a T who hugs me, I just wanted him to hug me. My disclosure was rape and I don't know if he felt like it was inappropriate because he is an older man, and older men have been almost consistently abusive to me in the past.
I just felt too vulnerable and needed comfort. I can't face him again, I'm sure I can't.

Originally Posted by vonmoxie

That's just sad. What I find most concerning is this: Was he really so shocked by the question, that this was the best answer he could come up with on the fly? Or was this really the best answer he could come up with? At least offer an alternative. Even a fist bump carries with it more humanity than a metaphorical hug.

I wish he had offered some sort of physical contact.

[Solepa]

I am so sorry Echos Myron, it has to hurt. But considering your situation he probably really did not think it is a good idea and would not be in your best interests.
It can still suck and feel horrible. I hope you can overcome this and find other ways to find comfort, support and acceptance from him.
((((hugs))))

Right now I don't feel like I can face him. I have huge rejection issues and we spent half the session discussing that so it's the worst thing that could happen.

[Aloneandafraid]

I understand exactly how you feel. I would feel exactly the same way. You are very brave to ask. I am too afraid to ask although I desperately need one. I am just too afraid she will say no. In fact I know she will say no. And I can't take that. Take care Echos. I completely understand your pain.

Originally Posted by Aloneandafraid

I understand exactly how you feel. I would feel exactly the same way. You are very brave to ask. I am too afraid to ask although I desperately need one. I am just too afraid she will say no. In fact I know she will say no. And I can't take that. Take care Echos. I completely understand your pain.

Thanks. At the end of the session he always asks if there's anything I want to say that I will wish I had said if I leave without saying. I sat for about 3 minutes before I answered. I wish I hadn't asked because I feel our relationship is beyond reconciliation.

Originally Posted by Solepa

I am so sorry Echos Myron, it has to hurt. But considering your situation he probably really did not think it is a good idea and would not be in your best interests.
It can still suck and feel horrible. I hope you can overcome this and find other ways to find comfort, support and acceptance from him.
((((hugs))))

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

Right now I don't feel like I can face him. I have huge rejection issues and we spent half the session discussing that so it's the worst thing that could happen.

This is exactly why he should've explained himself further, as reassurance, instead of just saying what he did. Maybe, after some time has passed, possibly ask for one?

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

Thanks. At the end of the session he always asks if there's anything I want to say that I will wish I had said if I leave without saying. I sat for about 3 minutes before I answered. I wish I hadn't asked because I feel our relationship is beyond reconciliation.

I too think it was brave of you to ask I know how this is...I'm sorry you're going though this

Floating feather - you have hit the nail on the head that he should have explained his reasons. I understand he had to make a judgement in that moment as to what was the least harmful thing he could do, but he needed to discuss his process with me. I am not stupid and I can handle it if he can offer genuine reasons.

[Aloneandafraid]

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

Thanks. At the end of the session he always asks if there's anything I want to say that I will wish I had said if I leave without saying. I sat for about 3 minutes before I answered. I wish I hadn't asked because I feel our relationship is beyond reconciliation.

I'm sure it's not beyond reconciliation but I totally understand how you feel that it is. It is so painful. Please try to return - I am sure you can work through this as painful and difficult as it is.

[lunatic soul]

Don't forget that many Ts think they cross their damned boundaries if they hug client and don't take it so personal.
I hate that T acts like that, they just are blind and don't see they destroys us by not hugging us.

I just want you guys to know how grateful I am for the support and understanding I have received on PC. Sometimes life feels too hard to handle. today is one of those days. H doesn't know about rape so I have to fight tears away and pretend session was normal. God life sucks

[Aloneandafraid]

Take good care of yourself, Echos. Sending you gentle, healing hugs and strength. You did absolutely nothing wrong in asking for a hug. I am so sorry your T responded the way he did. Take care. Xx

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by Echos Myron

He said "it will have to be metaphorical"
Now I never want to see him again.

Ugh. I'm sorry that happened to you, if it's any consolation I would feel just as angry. Ironically I just wrote a blog post about how a therapists hug made me sad and depressed for several days as I sorted it out. I think each persons circumstances are different, but I for one am glad my therapist will hug me even though the hugs themselves haven't always been as wonderful to process as I hoped.

[NowhereUSA]

i think your feelings make sense although i'm not sure i agree with terminating. ts are human and they don't always response the way they ought to. i would tell him what it made you feel and ask for clarification and *then* determine whether or not to terminate.

although i know that is easier said than done.

[HazelGirl]

Your feelings are totally valid.

But to think about it from his perspective, he may have wanted to make sure he didn't trigger or harm you by hugging you. Physical touch can become very difficult in therapy for those who have been sexually abused or raped, and I think it's all of that potential mess he didn't want to stir up. He may also just have a rule about hugging clients.

[JaneTennison1]

I think rejection and anger are very close together, you made yourself vunerable in what you told T and then you asked for a hug only to be knocked back. That was brave of you to do and I'm sure it hurts like anything to be told no. It might bring up all kinds of feelings to be rejected. I think that's good. Write to T, journal these feelings out. Be angry and hurt and upset but know it might have more to do with how open and vulnerable you felt to disclose to T.

I know you feel like quitting but instead work out how you feel about it and listen to how he feels about it. T's are human and they have boundaries. Some hug and some don't, that is ok but your feelings of hurt are valid too. Please try and use this chance to channel how you feel, I hope you go back lots can be done with anger.

[archipelago]

Regardless of the issue of positions on hugging or not, saying "metaphorical" is horrible. It has the potential to undermine so much. Is now everything "metaphorical"--his concern, your feelings, the trauma? Has everything that happened before equally just pretend? I would be more than upset: I'd be firing so much at him to make sure that he responded and didn't evade. But then the person I see now is willing to tolerate and work through this type of thing and many are not.

I saw a therapist for a long time who was reserved, intellectual, and British. That combination meant that he simply didn't do anything very demonstrative. In the end we did good work, but I left. And chose a colleague of his who had a very much more relaxed and personal style. He loves hugs, but when traumatic issues come up he is mindful. Asks if he can touch my hand if he sees my distress, and that sometimes is more comforting than a hug. He also almost always asks if I would like a hug, instead of making me ask. It is now mostly a ritual end of session show of connection, but it has been more than 5 years and I don't think we did this regularly right away.

Point is that there is nothing wrong with wanting touch or asking for it and therapists should know how to handle it in detail before they ever even have a real client who brings it up. The awkwardness should not be something that the client ever sees. And weird language like "metaphorical" really has to be thought about, tested, and revised. The intent may very well have been there to support you. For example, if I call between sessions with something like that and we talk, my shrink may gesture toward what would sound like "metaphorical" touch, but what he says is really acknowledging my understandable need to feel held, whether really in person or psychologically. And over the phone it has to be the latter. I could see that as sorta "metaphorical" but he would never use that language. He really means that I do need to be physically held, the safety and reassurance that comes with traumatic issues. And he tries to approximate that on the phone to let me feel more soothed.

Don't know if that helps.