[Soccer mom]

The word reassurance has come up a lot in my sessions and me wanting it from T. I was always told my feelings were wrong as a child. My T said she reassures me in our session and that maybe that's not exactly what I'm seeking. She told me to think about affirmation vs validation. I don't like the definitions I'm finding.
How would you all contrast the two? She said she's not going to validate my feelings because they should stand on their own. I take that to mean I should know they are real and not need someone else to tell me they are. I agree. Is affirmation her telling me she believes me?
I wish my parents had discussed feelings more when I was younger.

[guilloche]

Hi Soccer Mom...

I'm not sure that I'm really able to get at what she's saying with the difference between "validation" versus "affirmation". If my T said that to me, I'd want him to clarify... because I'm usually pretty good with fine distinctions of language, but I'm truly drawing a blank here

When she says she won't "validate" your feelings because they should stand on their own... hmm... does she mean she's not going to say, "Oh, you're scared of such-and-such, and it's ok to feel that way" ? I thought that's part of what good Ts do... help us understand how we feel, and that those feelings are ok... especially if we didn't get that kind of feedback growing up?

Heck, I thought part of what a good T did (I'm still not clear on all this!) was sometimes modeling appropriate emotional responses... like you might tell a story about your childhood that's awful, but you have very little emotional response to it. Your T might say, "wow that sounds really painful, I would be feeling terrified in that situation - how did you feel" (?).

Sorry... I hope I'm not adding more confusion... just thinking... and still not getting your T's distinction either... !

[HazelGirl]

I guess, from what you're saying...

Validation: needing someone else to tell you that it's okay to feel a certain way and that your feelings are legitimate.

Affirmation: supporting, hearing, and understanding you and your feelings

Does this sound like it makes sense?

Affirmation sounds like what I mean when I say I need my therapist's 'approval'...it's part of nurturing, I believe.

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I guess, from what you're saying...

Validation: needing someone else to tell you that it's okay to feel a certain way and that your feelings are legitimate.

Affirmation: supporting, hearing, and understanding you and your feelings

Does this sound like it makes sense?

Yes that makes sense! My T is very intelligent and knows me well. Apparently I'm getting reassurance/empathy/validation/affirmation all confused. She said I'm mixing empathy with something else (I can't remember now). I want validation but I think I understand where she's coming from. I shouldn't have to have others tell me my feelings are legitimate.
So much to learn and never enough time in the session!

Validation like HazelGirl said.

I think the thing with validation is that it allows you to feel worthy. You are important to your parents (and therapist). What you say matters.

Because we are so vulnerable and easily influenced while developing, parents who don't validate you deny your experience, which in effect, denies who you are. That leads to a un/under developed sense of self. Sometimes a false sense of self. Invalidation is not usually done consciously, but it could be done by someone who is self-centered, or anxious...etc.

[stopdog]

The therapist's attempts at validation and such enraged me. She has mostly, but not completely (unfortunately), stopped doing it at me. It was awful

[Crescent Moon]

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

The word reassurance has come up a lot in my sessions and me wanting it from T. I was always told my feelings were wrong as a child. My T said she reassures me in our session and that maybe that's not exactly what I'm seeking. She told me to think about affirmation vs validation. I don't like the definitions I'm finding.
How would you all contrast the two? She said she's not going to validate my feelings because they should stand on their own. I take that to mean I should know they are real and not need someone else to tell me they are. I agree. Is affirmation her telling me she believes me?
I wish my parents had discussed feelings more when I was younger.

hmmm.. they might be pretty close. To me, validation is, like others have said, more about confirming that your experience, or how you feel, is reasonable - valid.

Affirmation, to me, is more along the lines of a therapist saying things that make you feel like they 'get' you - the unconditional regard thing - leave you feeling like you have worth.