[Becca07]

I really think I need therapy. I keep going through episodes of depression that are closer and closer together. There's a specific cause - major feet problems requiring multiple surgeries - so I don't think just seeing my regular doc and throwing an AD on it will do any more good than a bandaid. I would really like to work with someone about my coping skills. And at this point, I've been living with my mother again for a year and think I need the therapy to deal with that joy. I know I'm overreacting to things she does, since all she has to do is make a noise in the room I'm in and I can flinch like I'm being attacked.

The issue for me is, in order to start therapy, I have to tell my parents, since with my feet I can't drive and I'm still on their health insurance. So what I've been trying to do is write myself a little script for how to tell my mother. I'm not ready to go through with it yet, but I feel like each day I get closer. Yesterday I was able to tell her that a behavior of hers was upsetting me. Of course, she just told me that no one else had problems with it, and I should just learn how to deal, but I feel like I was making progress by being able to tell her.

This is what I have so far, and feedback would be appreciated.

"I have something I need to tell you. I need you to not attack me about it, and I need you not to question why I need to make that request. I want to start therapy. I don't want you to be involved in that process. I will set everything up on my own, but I will need either you or Dad to drive me to and from."

On a separate note, any advice on finding a therapist with a specialization? I would ideally like to work with someone who specializes in chronic illness, since that's what the depression is mostly stemming from.

Becca

[sunrise]

Congrats, Becca, on making the decision to seek therapy and fight your depression.

Are you a minor or an adult? The degree to which you have to involve mom and dad may vary depending on the answer.

Speaking as a mom, I would not like to hear a speech from my daughter begin with "I need you not to attack me, I need you not to question me." This would put me on the defensive. Why not start by saying something more benign, to try to get mom on your team rather than casting her as an opponent? If she responds poorly, then you can crank it up a notch.

I think starting with your regular doctor is a good place to seek referrals for therapists. Your doctor may know therapists particularly good at dealing with depression, chronic illness, etc. Plus, if your regular doctor is one that your parents trust, if he/she recommends therapy for you, then this will make mom and dad more apt to be on your side (just be sure to stick to your guns with regular doc and not get anti-depressants if you don't want them--many docs these days dispense them at the drop of a hat).

How about getting referrals from your doctor, then approaching mom and dad together with a little speech like this?

"Mom and Dad, I went to see my doctor and he recommended I see a therapist to help me with my depression. He recommended a really good therapist, and I have an appointment to see him/her later this week. Can you drive me? If that time doesn't work for you, what time does, so I can change the appointment? I checked with our insurance, and they will cover my first 20 (or whatever) visits to this therapist."

There is no need to tell mom that one of the reasons you are seeking therapy is because of her, as again, this will put her on the defensive. Just say it is for "depression." The details of your therapy are just for you and your therapist. Try to get a therapist that your health insurance will reimburse for, as this will be more apt to make mom and dad cooperate. Your regular doctor will probably only refer you to other providers in your insurance network anyway, but doublecheck to make sure.

Good luck.

sunny

[Becca07]

Hi Sunny,

I'm 22, but because of my feet completely dependent on my parents for transport and living with them. The difficulty with talking to my doctor first is that my parents would ask me why I'm having the appointment. I don't to lie about it to them.

My mother is actually a psychologist, so I'm pretty sure she would support my decision to seek therapy. She's sitting across the room from me now, and maybe I should just blurt it out. I'm just so scared of her reaction. Maybe that just sounds like I'm making excuses. I know I should handle this like an adult.

The idea of getting an appointment before telling them is a good one. That way I have a deadline for telling them. Otherwise I might just put it off forever. Maybe I could call my doctor to get a recommendation for a therapist, rather than go in for an appointment.

Thank you for your help.

Becca

[Perna]

Becca, since you're on your parents medical insurance too I think you have to start "softer" with something like, "I need your help but I'm feeling very vulnerable about it and would appreciate it if we didn't have to talk to much about it right at first. . ." and just say you want to start therapy and will need (in the future) rides to and from sessions and maybe even think about asking if there are any better "times" for her or your father so when you make appointments you take their needs into account too.

I would make try to accent that you want to learn how to do things on your own rather than that you don't want your mother's help. It is a subtle difference but your mother does know something about therapy/therapists and is bound to offer; I think we want our mother's to care? and I would try to, as much as I was able, to not hurt her feelings and go out of the way to not make it sound like "I need your car-driving abilities but not you."

I always got tangled up with my stepmother because I took all her questions as attacks, even when they were genuine questions. I had a very hard time (and still do) with my T since T's want to make sure they understand well but I would think she was trying to "trick" me as my stepmother had.

I would let your mother ask questions; you don't either have to know the answers yet or let her "take over." You can keep making "I" statements to the effect, "I haven't worked on that yet" or "I don't feel comfortable discussing that with you right now. Right now I need help with getting a ride to and from a therapy session, do you have any better or worse times or days of the week I should keep in mind when I make the appointment?" Or you can keep answers "factual" but brief, "I want to talk to someone about how my foot operations are affecting me" or, "I need help with figuring out my future away from my mommy and daddy" and give a rueful smile so she should know not to take it personally that you won't talk to her :-)

[pamelasu]

I don't think that you should be afraid of your parents. I know it's a hard task to gain the confidence to tell them that you are an adult and that you choose to help yourself. I really dont' think that they will have a problem with you helping yourself and if they do go find a therapist on your own and tell them your situation. They may help you to get out on your own and on your own two feet. Not only that they could probably work with you on the paying part. Some states offer free services so look around and see what you can find!! Good luck!!

[Becca07]

I had an actual conversation with my mother tonight that didn't end in her screaming or me crying. So maybe there's a chance I could do it. Didn't manage to do it when we talked tonight though.

[cajun]

I'm pulling for you Becca. PM me anytime you need to talk.

[Calm]

Hi Becca,

Hoping your wish for starting therapy soon becomes a reality.

Best wishes,
Calm

[Becca07]

Thanks Calm, Cajun. I finally managed to tell my mother last night. I'd been wanting to for over 6 months.

I just came to this realization that it was hurting me more not to tell her than to tell her. It went really well, she respected boundaries and everything.

[pamelasu]

I'm glad to hear that things went well with your mother!!