Had an excellent session. Help, please..

After all the churning madness in my therapy...well, I had a really good session last week. I actively switched off the self-censorship button, and was as real as I could be. It felt like I was scanning my brain the whole time to make sure I was saying what was really in my head, instead of taking what was in my head and trying to make it sound much more acceptable. Realised after that even so I still managed to censor one or two things, but I honestly didn't realise that at the time.

My therapist acknowledged again her share in screwing stuff up between us. We said it needs more discussion. This is true, but I think it will be really hard for me to do this without modifying what I say I think/feel because it's so confusing I'm not even totally sure what I do think and feel. I guess in a nutshell that her not keeping her own stuff out of the room during my therapy has made me muddled, and the inconsistency issue has hurt me and affected trust.

I almost think I need to write a list of all the things that have hurt me about the relationship so I don't get a brainfreeze moment (this kept happening in my quest for absolute honesty at the last session, just went blank) but a list feels mean. Or negative. What would you do?

I also don't know whether to work on this at my next session or to put it on ice. As the last session went so well, it has kind of led to other trauma stuff emerging and I feel like I really need to talk about that asap. There is one particular memory that suddenly really affects me and makes me tearful when I think about it - in the past I would have emailed, but something is making me hesitate to email about this incident, like it needs to be looked at in person.

What would you do, or what have you done in a similar situation?

Hm. It sounds like both topics are important to you.

Is there anyway that you could link the two topics? You said that it brought out a trauma memory for you. So could you bring them both into the room at the same time?

For example: Because of __________, I started to feel/remember ___________.

What do you think about that? It touches on both topics while in the same environment.
It's important for her to know that she affected you in such a powerful way.

That's great IG! I'm so glad that you were able to work on this
The trauma stuff is important, but I definitely would not put your rupture issues on ice. Without the relationship you will simply not be able to work on the trauma. However, as you really feel you need to talk about the trauma, you should talk about it.
I agree with you about the list, it is a little cold. And I feel you on the brainfreeze moments - I get those all-the-freaking-time! Annoying! I think it'd be a good idea to print out this post and show it to her at your next session. Tell her how torn you are between the two topics and let her help you feel your way through it.

hi, I believe things should not be kept on ice.....the earlier you resolve them, the better it is for you.
One thing i do not get is your memory....have you past of any abuse....If you let me know about it more in detail , I would be much more in position to help you out.
Hope it will help you. thx

Thank you. Yes, I definitely think it's important for me to talk about this new stuff. This might sound really dumb though but I don't know if my head can handle linking up the two topics very directly. I feel confused already, as if I can't take it all in to look at the whole thing altogether. Maybe what I can do is talk for 20 mins on the therapy relationship, and then 30 on the trauma crap.

Thank you yes, they're both important and demanding attention.

I don't want to print out my post as such, but what I might do is send a kind of bullet point email flagging up that I want to talk about the two things.

I feel a massive need to tell her one particular part of this memory in the email, just so I don't have to sit on it by myself until Wednesday, it is driving me mad. But don't know if that's a bad idea? Is that almost like 'curating' my thoughts and therefore less genuine?

I don't mean that email is less genuine, rather that I don't want to write a lengthy piece to her exploring this trauma memory on my own, but I really need to reach out sooner than Wednesday about it. Or maybe I should suck it up and wait.

It doesn't sound dumb at all
Trauma is extremely overwhelming and needs to be processed with care.
Take your time.
If splitting your session up in the way you described it is the best way for you to express yourself, then do it. I struggle with being completely honest and uncensored as well. When I read your first post, it sounded like me through and through. The only difference is that you are putting it all out there and talking about the "hard" stuff. Being open and uncensored is hard work.
Great job!

If you feel that you need to email her I think you definitely should. Bullet points are not a bad idea, but the reason I say give her the post is it gives a very good feel of what you're thinking, and what worries you. I think you worry so much about genuineness etc. that you wind up trying too hard...

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