[Partless]

My last therapist was perhaps ten years older than me and a woman, and yet I as a younger man found her to be my best friend. Well, I'm not your typical man anyways - am only biologically. No, I don't have some kind of disorder, it's just that I have more things in common with women in terms of sensitivities and interests. So she could totally be my best friend. Not a girlfriend (I did not feel that way about her) but a girl friend, and a very good one. Like the kind you can call on weekends when you are bored or alone or sad and you could talk, just talk, for hours.

Funny thing is, I started to think of her as my best friend only after she said, in passing, "I am not your best friend, I'm your therapist." But we had stuff in common. I always found psychology interesting and so that was one. But also our personalities, our view of things, it was quite similar. And as therapy went on, I ended up becoming more and more like her, as well.

When we separated (she eventually moved to another city), it was very tough. You see, though more outspoken online, I am very shy and private person and have heck of a time opening up to people. She had known me for several years and there were no secrets between us (at least from my perspective, given that I knew barely anything about her). I still find it difficult without her. She used to encourage me to join groups, to make friends, and I would tell her, But who can be as good as you?!

In early years of college, when I was seeing her, I felt I did not fit anywhere. With guys or girls. Everybody had their own thing going on, their own friends, their own goals, they were always on the move, always competing, there was jealousy, hostility, there were all these kinds of strong emotions that my therapist, on the other hand, did not seem to have. Unlike people in college, she was also stable. She could be counted on, she was always there, always interested to hear what I had to say. She shared my sensitivity but also did not have a life outside the hour (in other words, I was not made to be aware of such life). She shared my academic interests and we could have good discussions about all kinds of things. Sometimes it felt like I was talking to a better and healthier version of myself.

Years later I still have not recovered from losing her. I keep telling myself, "She was not real!" That she, in reality, is somebody different. That I have fallen in love with the kind of therapy persona she was projecting. That in her real life she too would get jealous and feel hostile and be competitive and ignore you sometimes and have her own things going and not be reliable and so forth. But the experience was addictive. I can't stop comparing people I meet, to her. Sometimes I get so frustrated I think, "Real people suck!" Why? Cause the people I like they don't like me, cause people they don't understand me. Half the time they're not even trying to. The other half they don't have the knowledge to understand me (or anybody else). Nor are they under ethical obligation to keep what I tell them confidential. Nor are they legally committed to work on this relationship with me.

I just wish she hadn't been so similar to me or so friendly or so good at doing what she did. Even if all that was artificial at some level, that it was not a real life relationship. I guess it's like taking artificial sweetener for so long, real sugar in comparison barely tastes sweet at all.

[ThisWayOut]

Therapy can be a very unique and different experience from real life. I'm glad you had such a positive experience with it, though sorry to hear it has made "real life" relationships unfulfilling.
T's definitely have lives and opinions and faults outside (and sometimes inside) the therapy room...

[tealBumblebee]

I admire that you were able to write this and you worded it so perfectly. I can relate, as my T and I are only a few years more apart than you, we have a lot in common, are protective of each other and just yeah. So, I have found myself loosely saying (to myself) "... but she's my best friend..." And, of course, I immediately tell myself no - she's not. The truth is, I have two very imperfect real best friends who will be there when she leaves and I have to force myself to be cognizant of that fact. Still, like you, it's a struggle to want to be with people who so openly suck compared to the perfect person in a box experience you get with T. I'm sorry to hear that you are still struggling though time has passed and understand that has to be tough. I hope things get better for you and that you're able to find some imperfectly perfect but true friends who can be there for you, love you, and support you like you deserve.

[JustShakey]

(((Partless)))
A good therapist holds up a mirror for you. What you write here tells me that you're a good guy who'd make a really great friend.

[Terabithia]

Well said, JustShakey

I've recently come to realize that the relationship I have with my t, is like, a model for the kind of relationship I ultimately want to have with myself, and I guess that's why I feel the need to talk about it with her from time to time. We just did that a couple weeks ago again. It's such a special, unique relationship, more so when the t and the client are such a good fit like we are.

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[archipelago]

I haven't considered the idea that my therapist is a friend, though we are friendly even affectionate. It seems to be so clearly a defined relationship, regardless of how informal he is with me. He has self-disclosed enough that I know him pretty well over the years. Still I know that regardless of what happens during session time, outside that, we each have our own very different lives.

I do believe that this therapist knows me in a way that I have never been known before, with depth and complexity that I attribute both to the school of therapy as well as to the therapist himself. I have a committed long term relationship where I am also known and understood, but in a different way. They just can't really be compared. Both are very important and meaningful. I think since the therapeutic relationship is newer to me and feels more deliberately focused on the idea of knowing me in an authentic way, it feels like a way of being known and understood that is unusual so stands out. It is also more intense and less prone to ordinary problems. In that way, I hold it as special.

[sailorboy]

Yes, or a close second to my spouse

No!!!!!!!

[Bill3]

No.

.

[stopdog]

Absolutely not.

[HazelGirl]

Definitely not. My T doesn't resemble a friend at all.

[Petra5ed]

I wish. I wish he was. Sadly he's just my therapist. We only hang out if I'm paying $100/hr. We only hangout in his office. He won't make out with me or have a drink with me. He won't help me move. He won't tell me about his personal problems. Sucks!

At times it feels like he is. There is stuff that only I share with him, and some stuff that he's told me that he doesn't tell everyone. There are things that only we can laugh about. I care about him, he cares about me. And yet, it's all an illusion. I pay good money to see him, and he knows it.

[Bells129]

I get you. I feel a similar sort of attachment with my T. I wouldn't say she's my best friend, but she's someone I like very much and trust. I think we'd get on if we met outside of therapy. I'll be very sad when our sessions end.

[JaneC]

No. He is my T.

[RedSun]

No. She is lovely, and supportive, and intelligent, and beautiful.
But she is my t.
Partless, I noticed that you specified a best friend as someone you could call at the weekend if you're bored, tired or lonely, and just talk for hours and hours.
I wonder if this is the unrealistic relationship that T's can sometimes seem to hold up as the perfect friendship.
I could certainly call my best friends in those examples, or in crisis. However, I doubt that they have hours and hours for me, or I for them. Life, partners, children, cooking dinner, all get n the way.
Also, I love my friends absolutely, but I would draw the line at giving them hours and hours, listening to them being bored or low. The occasional crisis I would totally be there. But friendship is a two way street, give and take, respecting each others time and other needs and relationships. This is not the same in therapy, and I think it can raise false hopes and expectations about real life friendships.

People don't often want to hear about someone's problems or needs until the friendship is shown to be strong, and worth committing to and investing to on both sides.
For me, all my closest friendships built up over time, years really, of casual cups of tea, banter, walking dogs and feeding cats, pints at the pub

I guess I'm saying, don't be disillusioned by people's responses in the real world. Real friendships take time, and giving and listening on both sides. They involve sharing and caring, but also fun and laughter. This is not what we get from our t, but just as valuable when it works.