Help...do i up and quit--just like that?

Things are so much better now.

I got out of that state. Wow, it really was like I was catapulted back into my childhood state, where I felt helpless and alone in all of my distress.

It's been 2 weeks since I've seen him. Some healthy defenses kicked in, and I am so thankful for this. It's like I have no defense mechanisms when i'm with him. It's been like this for a while.

Since I posted this I realized that one major source of fear and worry was that I felt indifferent towards him for over a week. I've never experienced that feeling with him before. This is exactly how I feel towards my mother and I hate-hate-hate it. I've read indifference is the opposite of love, and it was so disturbing to feel that way about my beloved therapist. In my year of therapy with him, and throughout 3 years with former T, I've never had to feel negative transference for anything longer than brief re-enactments or feeling states here and there.

Depletion--you are such a sweetie.

I've been really thinking lately about how I want to be more mindful; not just in therapy, but everyday life. I'm too much in my head. It made me realize that I don't want to come here to a screen that often after I've been doing that at work most of the day. Thanks you so much for your suggestions, I feel inspired to incorporate them into my daily life. I love to cook and craft and love art and anything sensory. When I get depressed, I lose all the interest. That's what's rough.

I'm sorry to learn about what you went through. How terrible it must have been to lose all your friends. I understanding getting agoraphobic too; that is so scary. You have many friends here.

I was hoping you'd stop by FKM; thank you for offering your advice. Yes, a few people had mentioned Skype on this thread. Containment worries is something I brought up to him more than once prior to my moving, and he never seemed worried about it. I have to say that I really don't think it is related to Skype; it really seems to be the frequency of sessions that impact my coping the most. But, I do think it's worth mentioning to him again. Another aspect of that is not being able to hug him. And he gives the world's best hugs. It makes me sad, and so then my mind lacks these physical memories that I would otherwise be able to use to fall back on.

Slowing down is something I am going to talk with him about too. Like MM said, maybe we can talk about less intense ideas and experiences for a while. He is consistent, but I feel like he could be more comforting, which is a re-occurring theme of ours.

SabinaS, Yes, i do think the psychoanalytic orientation has something to do with it, in the sense that the transference is encouraged as it is the medium from which we work; and we both know there is too much damn transference sometimes. !

I liked your baby monitor example, but I really don't think the Skype is an issue. When he first starting treating me, I'd text him with separation anxiety feelings. He'd respond with a few sentences, and it would really help. One time I told him it was if he came to my crib, picked me up and rocked me, then put me back down. It felt so concrete to me. And that was just text--no video. That's another reason why I don't think it's the Skype so much.

My emotions often taken on concrete qualities (i.e., somatic, 'seeing' how I feel in visual pictures), so it's like I don't even need to engage all of my senses to experience the relationship.

No, if I could see him more often, I would. I don't want to start seeing someone else. Plus I might not live here permanently. I'm still undecided.

Thanks, Leah. I hear what you're saying, but since I dont' feel any different after sessions than I did before, I just don't see the issue. I really do miss being in his office, and I miss out on his hugs.

He has some distant clients, but obviously is not as experienced with the distance therapy as he is with face-to-face (he's been practicing close to 40 years now). The routines are a good idea; i'll see what he says.

Thanks Skies. I'm really in my head a lot too. And I know what you mean about getting depressed and not doing those things, I'm like that too. I just forget that there are things that I like when that happens--it's tough.

I'm sorry you had such a frightening experience of indifference. I've had those kinds of feelings about my mom too. I wonder though, and obviously I can't know because I'm not you, if your feelings about your T might have been something other than indifference. Maybe you are feeling safer with your T so you don't think about him all the time, and that could seem like indifference because you are used to him being a constant fixture in your head. So when he's gone from your mind and you realize it might be strange,and feel concerning, but maybe it just means you don't need to think about him as often. This is really just a suggestion, and I might be way off base, and I'm sorry in advance if I am. I really don't want to invalidate anything you might be feeling, I just wanted to let you know that this occurred to me. If it's true I thought it might allow you to have a different perspective about your relationship with your T.