Transference

I understand the concept. But I hate it.

I have spent the day mentally going through why I feel so clingy to my T right now, and I know it has to do with a couple of things.

First of all, at my appointment on Wednesday, she said two things that really sparked a lot of emotion in me. She said she had been very worried about me because she cares about me, and she had said she wishes she could protect me but knew that wasn't her place.

And both of those things have made me long so much for someone who can protect me, who cares, who worries about me when something difficult is going on, who sees me instead of ignoring me or shaming me. Ugh.

I know she can't, and I know it's better that she doesn't, but I do wish sometimes (like now) that she was in my everyday life. I wish she could go with me to my dentist appointment and make sure I am getting good care. Or comfort me in my daily life without evoking guilt from me for taking up her time. Or protecting me from people whose actions hurt me. Or any number of other things. I wish I could come home from a difficult day at work and sit down and tell her about how annoying that one customer was and how much work I had to do. I wish I could chat with her randomly about how stressful it is to balance work and school, or about the beautiful necklace I found that perfectly matches the skirt I have. But although I can tell her about these things, I can't live them with her, if that makes sense. It just hurts.

And it's even harder when I compare it to my own mother, who didn't ever protect me, and who minimized my problems and shamed me. And who even now, when I have difficulties, tells me that they're nothing compared to hers. And who doesn't listen or comfort me when I am upset. I can't call her up at 9 PM and tell her about how difficult things are or how awful I feel about something. She won't care. And I end up feeling like I have nowhere to turn. It all just hurts.

So that's where I am at today.

You put that so articulately. You are learning to be a lovely friend, and have your whole life in front of you to do that.

I don’t know that I’d call this transference, Hazelgirl. Your T sounds amazing. She’s been there for you when others haven’t, and seems like an exceptional support. I understand wanting more on a day-to-day basis. There’s a huge emotional draw to someone that listens to us, cares about us, and carries us through our darkest times. Please try to see the value in yourself, and keep up the hope that you’ll find someone wonderful that will fill this role for you outside of therapy. From your threads and supporting comments to others, you sound so caring and insightful.

I feel the same way about my T, and often long for more time. I wouldn’t want to see her outside of the therapy room however, because the space she’s created for us feels sacred. It would be like eating the same food you love every day – there will be a point you’ll get sick of it, or feel full, and want something else or no longer appreciate the specialness of it.

Hang in there. Wishing for the best for you.

I tend to agree with Clementine. This sounds more like a healthy attachment, something that's genuine and that you can recreate in your non-therapy life with support. I would see transference as a projection, misinterpreting someone else's actions and motivations with misplaced anger/fear/suspicion/infatuation. It seems as though you are interpreting your therapist's care and concern accurately and can accept it (for the most part). That's a good thing.

I get it, I really do. I think if I had managed to get past the negative transference with previous T I'd feel about her much like you do about yours. I feel that same dull old ache that you describe in your other thread and I don't feel that my male T can meet it - that need for female nurturing. I suppose I need to make some good female friends. Easier said than done. Most of my friends have been a bit like yours I think - too involved with their own stuff to really be there for someone else. My best friend back in the day would just laugh at me whenever I starting talking about something that was important to me. No wonder I keep people at a distance really...

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I can't seem to find any really good friends, unfortunately. And I was referring to my family more than anything, if that wasn't clear enough.

I am calling it transference because it's what I wish I would have gotten all along with my own parents, but didn't.

And when it comes to my T, I would be perfectly happy to eventually get used to that type of care.

I don't know whether it's "healthy". It's a longing for something I can't get.

That's horrible! I am sorry they treated you like that!

I wish my T would say those things to me. I also wish like you I had a mom who I could turn to, how sweet life must be for those who have that, and I bet they take it completely for granted, and cannot imagine what life is like without it.

Is it possible to make the caring your T has shown you into a positive - to let it soothe you and inhabit your unconscious ? I don't know what I'm talking about really - but that is what I am trying to do with my T - to feel the caring from her before I go to sleep in the hope I'll be changed by it.

You write so well, HG. I can feel your pain through your post and I relate so very much to your feelings for your T. Your attachment seems positive and healthy. You have a fantastic T. Enjoy and learn from her care and support. Take care. Xxx

I think that's what my T wants to have happen eventually. Right now, it makes me anxious and upset, though.

I am trying. It's difficult and exhausting, but I am trying.

The thing is, I had no idea there was anything wrong with it. I thought it was just normal joking.

It's perfectly fine to feel that, I use to feel that way with t2 and she was ok with that. She use to share so much with me and say she was happy an comfortable with our relationship . She could be herself.

You told me once not to fight those feelings, and now it's funny because as I was ready too, all this happened. And I'm so far apart from her.

So just feel these feelings because she is there to accept them. She is there for you.

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I know, I know. But it hurts. And it sucks. And I don't want it.

hey, no back talk young lady, lets process this. lol. seriously though, medicine taste bad, but it heals you.

I think that's the most difficult things about transference and attachment in therapy. I feel the same way, I'd be happy to just have her in my presence. The difference I have is that I want to do things for her, listen to her, support her. She given me more support and care than anyone ever has, and I wish we could be friends. Sorry you're yearning so much tight now HG

I'll back talk if I want to! You can't make me stop!

I know it's what is supposed to happen, but on top of a lot of other things going on right now, it's even more painful. I have a lot of other situations causing me a lot of other pain.

I don't really feel that need to "take care" of her in the way you are describing. But I do feel like I want to "protect" her from me and my badness, which kind of sucks.

Lol, I feel for you, I really hope this gets worked out for you. Damn emotions.

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Thinking about it, I think a part of me prefers this to feeling numb all the time. The numbness I used to live with was a million times worse because I was anxious all the time. It's like my brain converted my emotions to anxiety and let them out that way. I haven't felt overwhelmingly anxious in a while. I have had things that cause me to have some anxiety, but nothing like what I used to.

Are you afraid of losing her?

Doesn't transference have to be unconscious? I read about it a while back, can't remember, but you comparing your therapist to your mom or whoever, I wonder if that' something else. Unless transference can be a conscious thing too, in which case never mind.

This is exactly how I feel too.

I can relate, although being numb is good for me sometimes , but when they wake up OMG all hell breaks loose. Anxiety is my worse enemy, anger comes next, guilt, shame, a pathetic feeling, then I think people don't want me around or they just pretend. OMG

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I would look at the situation and make a list of pros and cons. Caring things your T does vs the ways you are being hurt. I think you'll see that life is better seeing T - even if it's just for an hour a week.

Talking transference, I went through an almost year long wave of hellish transference with T1. He reminded me so much of my father, and it stirred up way too many feelings. It was my first time in therapy and I wasn't sure what was normal. So I stuck with it for an entire year, miserable and confused all the while. It got to such a consuming level and didn't show signs of tapering off, and i couldn't bear to discuss it with him because of the intensity. In my mind, it was like he became my father, and I responded to him like a better version of my actual father. I too never felt like I got enough from him, and it was playing out my fathers pattern of being absent a lot. Really dangerous territory for a professional relationship. I did a ton of soul searching, and ended up terminating. I'm glad I did because the situation was really unhealthy in retrospect.

I found a wonderful new t shortly before terming. She is my mothers age, but fortunately reminds me of nobody. Our relationship is a lot like you are describing with your T such as listening, being there for me, and showing genuine care and love. It can be intense and confusing at the same time, but it's more of a longing for what I missed in my childhood as opposed to being badly triggered by someone and playing out childhood parental patterns. I don't see my current relationship as having transference much, because I am responding to T in the present, as she is. Hopefully that makes senses.

Anyway, I went off on a tangent, but really... make a list. I've done that with current T when I've felt the relationship was fake, or not enough and it helps.

Yes, even though she insists she isn't going anywhere.

No, it doesn't have to be. It often is unconscious because people are unaware, but it can happen while you're aware as well. You can't and don't choose for it to happen, and that's where the difference comes in. I'm not choosing to feel these feelings towards her.

Yes, sometimes numb is important. Overall, though, I would choose to feel pain and sadness over anxiety and fear.

I think what's really hard is that my T is very giving and very present and does as much as she can. But it's still not enough, because she should not be filling the role I long for her to fill. And that hurts so much. SO much. I don't want her to go anywhere, and I really appreciate her for who she is and what I do get, but even with that, it doesn't change how much it hurts that she can't fill the role I want her to. It's a role I have tried to put so many people in, and no one will ever fill it correctly.

I need to tell her, because all of these feelings are getting more intense the more I think about them. So now I have to figure out how to word it all.

UPDATE: I just sent her a long, rambling text that I am sure makes very little sense. But I hope she can pull out some meaning from it, because she is pretty good at that stuff.