[Jordy]

I've been a bit depressed lately and I feel so worthless that suicidal thoughts do creep up more than I'd like to. I try to keep them in check but it's not always easy. Yesterday during group I disclosed more than usual and afterwards T pulled me aside, asked if we had a session scheduled soon and when I said end of next week, she asked if I was sure I would be ok until then. So I guess she was a bit concerned as she rarely double checks on me like this.

Anyway today I was thinking about asking her when I next see her how she thinks my suicide would affect my best friends 2 and 3 year-old daughters. I'm pretty close to those kids and would like to know how much this would hurt them to give me more strength to fight. But I worry she may think I'm seriously considering going through with it and be even more concerned. I don't want to worry anyone, I'm fighting more than ever even though I'm tired of doing so. All I want is some good reasons to fight as I don't feel worth doing it for myself...

Sorry you are feeling so bad at present. Anything you do will really hurt your friends and your T and everyone in your group, and the kids will miss you.

[Jordy]

I know it would hurt them, but what I'm most concerned about is causing long term damage in the kids... They don't deserve this!

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[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by Jordy

All I want is some good reasons to fight as I don't feel worth doing it for myself...

You are worth doing it for yourself.

Yes of course it would impact gravely on small children who are attached to you. But really, you have to live for you. Not anyone else - it's not enough. Even if you are a mother yourself with little ones depending on you, clinging to life and enduring the days because you don't want to leave a hole in your kids' lives, it's not enough to live like that.

It's short-changing yourself, because you deserve a full life of your own, not just to be an extra in the background of somebody else's.

how are your horses, by the way?

[Jordy]

I know that's not a good enough reason in the long-run, and I really need to work on my self-esteem. But if it helps me get through difficult times until I get better, why not use it? I've done this so many times in the past, and it has kept me alive in my darkest times...

Jordy is his old self, in a really great shape for a 21 year-old enjoying his retirement. Periple is lame again.... He's only been sound for a couple weeks this whole year, and he's only 11. I hate that there's basically nothing I can do to help him... on saturday I will try to lounge him to see whether it's his shoulder or his foot and will try cold therapy on whatever part is hurting him at the moment.