[mickwilson]

I had my first shot at EMDR a week ago, with a therapist I've been seeing for five months.

My trajectory? I'm a 'runner' i.e. when I feel that my life is leaving me no options the I either literally run away (one time, to another country for a year) or by imploding and becoming a gibbering wreck.

The first session was just a structure questionnaire, very innocuous - first, worst and most recent instances of my anxiety; what I felt at those times; you get the idea.

The second session, three days later, involved a pair of headphone through which I could hear alternating drum beats, left ear, right ear, left ear, right ear, back and forth. There were also a pair of rubbery things to hold in each hand, and they buzzed in synchrony with the earphone drumbeat - left hand, right hand, left hand and so on.

Mt therapist then started re-reading my answers from the questionnaire while this 'beating' (left, right, left right) was playing, for maybe a minute. At the end of each minute I'd be asked ' What do I feel? What do I think?' and asked to focus on that while the 'beats' started again. As we went down the path from each of the original questionnaire answers I'd given, the beating got faster. And faster.

And the questions would change. Go here. Come back to there.

BANG! I was - as happens in my worst and most horrible episodes - a
gibbering wreck. Sobbing. Inchoate. Wrought.

And ****ing exhausted. Depleted. Spiritually and physically washed up. The proverbial limp noodle.

I went home. I slobbed in the sun. I slept the best 12 hours in forever.

The next day I felt so different - unaccountably, indefinably different. Lighter. Relieved. Guiltless.

Happy.

And so, in 2 days, I go back for another dose of EMDR. Part of me is scared that the 'stuff' that's coming up is my own fabrications, not a reflection of history. Another part says 'so what? if those fabrications are breaking your brain then get them out, burn them'.

Either way, I don't expect Monday to be easy. But I do expect something grand of it.

[junkDNA]

thanks for this . my T has always wanted to do EMDR with me but i am too scared. it helps to know what the process is like for clients

[pattijane]

Hi mickwilson. Your experience is so interesting! A standard EMDR therapy protocol is actually quite different from what you did, yet apparently you had a positive result. EMDR therapy is quite robust! However, the reason there are standards/protocols in EMDR therapy is to prevent being overwhelmed, going too fast, being able to process past events in a dosed manner.

I use EMDR therapy as my primary psychotherapy treatment and I've also personally had EMDR therapy for anxiety, panic, grief, and “small t” trauma. As a client, EMDR worked extremely well and also really fast. As an EMDR therapist, and in my role as a facilitator who trains other therapists in EMDR therapy (certified by the EMDR International Association and trained by the EMDR Institute, both of which I strongly recommend in an EMDR therapist) I have used EMDR therapy successfully with panic disorders, PTSD, anxiety, depression, grief, body image, phobias, distressing memories, bad dreams, and many other problems. It's a very gentle method with no significant "down-side" so that in the hands of a professional EMDR therapist, there should be no freak-outs or worsening of day-to-day functioning.

One of the initial phases (Phase 2) in EMDR therapy involves preparing for memory processing or desensitization (memory processing or desensitization - phases 3-6 - is often what is referred to as "EMDR" which is actually an 8-phase method of psychotherapy). It doesn't sound like your therapist helped you through this essential phase, unless you forgot to mention it. Anyway, in this phase resources are "front-loaded" so that you have a "floor" or "container" to help with processing the really hard stuff, as well as creating strategies if you're triggered in everyday life. In Phase 2 you learn a lot of great coping strategies and self-soothing techniques which you can use during EMDR processing or anytime you feel the need.

In phase 2 you learn how to access a “Safe or Calm Place” which you can use at ANY TIME during EMDR processing (or on your own) if it feels scary, or too emotional, too intense. One of the key assets of EMDR therapy is that YOU, the client, are in control NOW, even though you weren’t in the past, during traumatic events and/or panic/anxiety. You NEVER need re-live an experience or go into great detail, ever! You NEVER need to go through the entire memory. YOU can decide to keep the lights (or the alternating sounds and/or tactile pulsars, or the waving hand, or any method of bilateral stimulation that feels okay to you) going, or stop them, whichever helps titrate – measure and adjust the balance or “dose“ of the processing. During EMDR processing there are regular “breaks” and you can control when and how many but the therapist should be stopping the bilateral stimulation every 25-50 passes of the lights to ask you to take a deep breath and say just a bit of what you’re noticing, anything different, any changes. (The stimulation should not be kept on continuously, because there are specific procedures that need to be followed to process the memory). The breaks help keep a “foot in the present” while you’re processing the past. Again, and I can’t say this enough, YOU ARE IN CHARGE so YOU can make the process tolerable. And your therapist should be experienced in the EMDR therapy techniques that help make it the gentlest and safest way to detoxify bad life experiences and build resources.

Grounding exercises are essential. You can use some of the techniques in Dr. Shapiro's new book "Getting Past Your Past: Take Control of Your Life with Self-Help Techniques from EMDR." Dr. Shapiro is the founder/creator of EMDR but all the proceeds from the book go to two charities: the EMDR Humanitarian Assistance Program and the EMDR Research Foundation). The book is an easy read, helps you understand what's "pushing" your feelings and behavior, helps you connect the dots from past experiences to current life. Also gives lots of really helpful ways that are used during EMDR therapy to calm disturbing thoughts and feelings.

Pacing and dosing are critically important. So if you ever feel that EMDR processing is too intense then it might be time to go back over all the resources that should be used both IN session and BETWEEN sessions. Your therapist can use a variety of techniques to make painful processing less painful, like suggesting you turn the scene in your mind to black and white, lower the volume, or, erect a bullet-proof glass wall between you and the painful scene, and so forth. There are a lot of these kinds of "interventions" that ease the processing. They are called "cognitive interweaves" that your therapist can use, and that also can help bring your adult self's perspective into the work (or even an imaginary Adult Perspective). Such interweaves are based around issues of Safety, Responsibility, and Choice. So therapist questions like "are you safe now?" or "who was responsible? and "do you have more choices now?" are all very helpful in moving the processing along.

You might want to take a look at a description of EMDR therapy: EMDR Network