[ThisWayOut]

...and my walls have gone securely back into place. I was going to print out what I had written to T in response to last week's session, but our printer is acting up. I don't know if it matters anymore, because I don't have any connection to that stuff anymore. I could read it to her, but I won't be able to explain any of it unless I'm back in that triggered space (though that may happen).
I want to try to show her my art journal again, but I fear the rejection (last week, she had started flipping through it, but ended up giving it back to me so I could show her the particular pieces I had mentioned. Even though she was asking me to show her what I had wanted her to see, it felt like she wasn't actually interested. I wanted her to see the whole thing, but there were a handful of pages I really wanted to talk about. I couldn't pick out those pages after she gave it back to me because I interpreted her handing it back to me as disinterest...). It's stupidly small, but it's huge at the same time.
The other thing that gives me pause is that she used my full first name last time. She caught herself and apologized, but it made that rift feel so much bigger. The only time people use my proper name after they get to know me is if I am in trouble or if they don't believe me. It also made me feel like she really doesn't know me at all even after 3 months...
There's all sorts of negative transference with her. We need to talk about the transference, but I have so much fear around it. I want to go back and talk (even part of that is the transference - needing to please the person I'm scared of), but at the same time I want to run away (that fear). I know running away wouldn't be a good idea. I can't afford to lose the one outside support I have at the moment. I'm afraid I won't actually accomplish anything that I want to accomplish (again) in session tomorrow... It's hard enough going over the stuff I write when it's printed, forget it when I have to show her on my phone I don't know what to do with myself...

[Soccer mom]

You need to tell your T. all of this. I just told mine that I hated she started a text with my name - that I felt she was irritated and scolding me. She said she wasn't at all and that she tried to personalize it. Then we related it to my mom getting mad at me when I was younger. And, it's good to let her know what triggers you and what affects you.

[HazelGirl]

What you're feeling is very normal. I find that if I just start talking, it will all spill out eventually.

[ThisWayOut]

Soccer Mom, I was hoping to just hand her the printed pages, because it all feels so vulnerable. Now it looks like I will have to figure out how to hand her my phone (or the laptop if I bring that with me)... :gulp: the level of fear that comes with the transference with her is insane. I know she's not actually scary, but I can't escape that emotion around her. :/ I would also react like you did to text addressed to me. I find it such an informal method of communication that any attempt at formalizing it would really throw me off. Did her telling you she was trying to personalize it help? I wasn't able to take it in when my t said that my formal name is on all the paperwork, so that is why she might slip and not use my nickname... because of how I feel about the use of my name, I've always made it a point to honor how my clients ask me to address them.

HazelGirl, It used to be that way with other t, I could just start talking and things would come out... but with this t, I'm paralyzed with fear. My mind completely goes blank, and I can't figure out what to say or how to say it. Even when I bring things in to give her, I get freaked out and can't hand it to her. I brush it off as stupid, and she doesn't push around it (though she will remind me she doesn't think anything I have told her is stupid)... She pushes on all the wrong things. I don't know how to tell her that I need her to help me to come out of my shell before she can push all the other stuff

[guilloche]

Hiya ThisWayOut...

You don't happen to have anyway to just email her what you need her to see, do you? Sorry about the printer... what rotten timing!

I get what you're saying about feeling disconnected about stuff... that happens to me *all* the time and makes therapy really hard. I haven't figured out a good way to deal with it, other than writing what I'm feeling when I am connected to it and... yup, printing that out (and prefacing with, "I don't feel this now, but I did then!").

*Good luck*. It's so hard... but these sessions, when we're most scared, seem like they always have the most potential to be really good and helpful. I hope you're able to convey some of this to your T tomorrow, and that you get a good response from her!

[Leah123]

I think your expectations at three months in are unrealistically high. I urge you to accept where you are at and not judge yourself or her for a lack of perfect attunement or communication ability. Nothing is perfect. Keep going, bring her this post- you can handwrite them if your printer isn't working, or you can perhaps email to her so she can read in session maybe for example.

[ThisWayOut]

Originally Posted by Leah123

I think your expectations at three months in are unrealistically high. I urge you to accept where you are at and not judge yourself or her for a lack of perfect attunement or communication ability. Nothing is perfect. Keep going, bring her this post- you can handwrite them if your printer isn't working, or you can perhaps email to her so she can read in session maybe for example.

I went yesterday and it went ok. I did give her what I wrote (fixed the printer the night before because I knew it would be difficult to talk).

I hadn't really paid attention to the paperwork when I filled it out, but they mainly do brief therapy (12 weeks) then generally terminate or refer out. I hadn't really paid attention to it because I thought I was moving from the region after about 6-10 weeks, but that has since changed. She mentioned the "normal" program length yesterday, but I was pretty spaced-out and didn't really catch the context she said it in... so how do you build trust and get to those issues in 3 months? If therapy is supposed to be so short, are those expectations of her getting to know me better still as unrealistic? A bunch of the issues I had mentioned on intake have abated a bit, but I'm not sure how much of that was a result of therapy with her, and how much is just it's natural ebb and flow of my symptoms. I guess that's another thing I need to address with her.

I think she had mentioned something about the transference issues potentially being growth opportunities. I tend to agree. But I'm confused I guess... Because I was out of it, I'm missing a lot of the meaning behind this session.

Sorry, I think I'm just processing this through this post right now, so it may not make sense.

At the end of session, we agreed to go over my art journal next week (which is something I've really been wanting to do for a while). I'm finding my anxiety growing though. I suddenly don't want to show her any of it... it's too vulnerable.

My head is all conflicted right now. As relieved as I felt when I left there, confusion is reallly setting in now. I dunno. We are working a bit on self esteem, and it's bringing up other stuff, which is bringing up the transference, which is making everthing so confusing...