Insinuated child abuse and that intern

Growli,

Of course you are allowed to dislike people, we all are. Like Red Panda and Sweepy said, many of us just notice a pattern to your posts and think it would be helpful to point the pattern out to you. Sometimes having a mirror held up to us by an objective person so we can see these patterns is very helpful. It doesn't feel good at first, I know that, but it usually is helpful. No one means to offend or criticize you or suggest anything negative regarding LCM (she seems to hold a similar opinion on finding a new T also).

I do think a point made in a previous post to utilize the intern as a resource is a great idea. You don't need to like this person to utilize her for her knowledge. What you do need to do is tolerate her and take advantage of what skills she does have. If you tell her this she would probably appreciate your honesty and self awareness. If anything it would serve you some purpose while you continue to look for the right trauma T.

I mean it doesn't feel bad...? I know I push people away. I do that a lot in normal friendship situations. I distance myself from them. I push people online away too by constantly fighting with them. I don't really know what I was trying to say in the original response to sweepy in terms of trying to say that I don't push people away because I do.

The reason I'm struggling with this intern is probably partially because of old school
T, but also because she is very serious and doesn't laugh. She talks quietly, doesn't express any emotion whatsoever on her face, in her voice, or in her body language. It feels like she hates seeing me which is probably likely because I am making the whole experience very miserable by not talking. I'm not talking because I feel deeply uncomfortable starting the conversation about serious things.

I respond better and talk easier with T's that don't just sit there and wait for me to talk. I know lots of people are different and would really appreciate a T that doesn't talk much, but I feel very awkward when that happens. I feel very put on the spot and I don't really know what to do so I panic and say nothing.

When she also expresses absolutely no emotions at all, I feel like she is completely disconnected and bored by me. I need someone who is going to respond to what I say with some sort of conviction even if it is acted. I typically don't open up to someone until I can get them to laugh about something. I know that is a problem but I use laughter as a strong social cue that the T enjoys being around me. It also cushions difficult topics under the guise of everything being a joke. Yes, I know I use it as a crutch and maybe not having that will be good for me... but the reason people have crutches is because they can't walk without them. I can't just have it ripped away completely and expect to thrive.

I feel she is distant and apathetic so I respond by mirroring that. I probably am projecting some of my own distance on her and I know I am drawing my own conclusions. I did tell her that I think she doesn't like me. I said I don't think she likes seeing me. She said that she doesn't want to be anywhere else or be talking to anyone else. I asked why and then said I don't believe her. I'm just sitting in a disgruntled quiet ripping up papers. I've done nothing to make her want to be around me. She tried to say something but I didn't understand her. English is her second language and she speaks very well, but there still is a language barrier where she'll use a word or a phrase that seems out of place.

I think I was objecting to the notion that all I am doing is pushing people away. It's more than just that.

Your list of things not working for you is prohibitive, that all, like the picky eater running out of food...

Kids don't starve that way, but they won't be healthy either, not if they eat like that for the longterm.

I am an insanely picky eater for what it's worth.

However, I think it was a pretty valid list... people may have a different list but different people respond to different things.

Could you try telling her this? I'm the same way and told my T up front that I hate the long silences. She and I have worked our way through to a place where silence doesn't scare me, and I appreciate feeling contained sometimes that she will sit with me, in my pain and hold it. Other times I just don't know what to say and she picks up pretty quickly that this is different and so will ask leading questions.

Sometimes being honest with what you need can help. Worth a shot? You don't have to be critical just, " I find silences difficult and don't know what to say, can you help me through this?"

Growlithing, what would have happened when you were growing up in your family if you had said "X makes me uncomfortable. Instead of X, I would rather that we do Y."

My mom would either laugh and tell me to get over it or she'd ask me why and then tell me that it's stupid of me to be uncomfortable. And then tell me to get over it. Or she'd yell at me and then stop talking and storm off, and make me feel guilty when I'd cry and beg her to speak to me.

That's what I thought. So perhaps when you have situations such as a T who allows silence you don't like, there is a strong tendency from the past to not discuss it or ask for change.
.

I saw her today and I did better. I don't remember how we got on the subject but she asked me about one of my friends and that eventually got into the topic of religion and I actually touched on something sexual but nothing really serious or difficult for me. At least it wasn't silence.

That's good! What did you or she do differently such that the session turned out to be better?

I'm not sure. It just went better. I was slightly more cooperative

My suggestion is to be aware of how you felt as it was going better, and try to repeat and build on that awareness.