aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

aaaaaaaaargh

(((((((((( Alexandra )))))))))))))

What is wrong?

Hugs,

Jan

not sure

((((( alexandra_k )))))

sometimes it just feels good to let it out like that.

hurts sometimes. want to go home and play meaningless computer game and watch meaningless tv. my supervisor is arriving for a few days next week. i need to get some work to him. so i have a deadline. my work isn't going well. too many ideas. need to simplify them and write them up clearly. hard to extract the simplicity from the jumble. but really need to give him some work. and really... just want to do meaningless stuff. have to go to a seminar in half an hour. on something i'm not particularly interested in (ssh don't tell anyone).

see my t in three days. just over two days. feel... vulnerable. tired. hurting. need some time to myself to blob because i didn't have any time to myself over the weekend. had a good conference socialisation-wise. seeing how much work some others have done and feeling demoralised about myself though. they have publications and i have a 'to do' list. need to get them. that is the difference between the people who get jobs and the people who don't etc etc.

feel... not sure. irritable? been here before...

i don't know what is wrong. i just want to get away from everything for a while. sorry sorry.

i anticipate my supervisor will give me a bit of a hard time. because i was meant to go to this other city but i haven't done much in the way of sorting that out. was meant to contact backpackers and find out about long term accom (for a month). i don't think i would cope very well with living in a shared room for that long, however. and financially i can't afford a single room for that long. supervisor has this real down to earth attitude. sure it would be fine for him to live in a shared room. not me. i don't expect he will understand that. or understand about financial limitations.

want to go to the US for a year. there is some funding for that. but the dept. needs to choose one person. apparantly i'm the 'natural choice' given my interests. doesn't mean i will be THE choice, however. other people have publications... that means other people have priority.

publish or perish publish or perish.

my absorbtion in me me me and my problems means i'm perishing.

but there it is.

and i just want to go home to sleep...

((((((((((( alexandra )))))))))))))

((Ak))

Alexandra, I feel the same way right now. I'm at work, but all I want to do is go home. The thought of home feels so comforting right now. Maybe just playing with my birds, writing, laying in bed. I feel like I'm phsyically here, but not at all mentally. With the responsibility of graduate school, work, and having a home, sometimes I feel like I've been thrust into something that I'm not stable enough for, but I have gone to far into it to get out. Scary stuff. I hope you are feeling better, Alexandra.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Alex))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Take a blob day (if you can)

I get frustrated and overwhelmed with pressure involving deadlines and funny thing is, that's what my job is every day! Ha, weird so I understand.

Will you tell/explain to your boss that you're comfort level of sharing a room is not high? Perhaps as an employer, they can understand and should care, as it could affect your work ability.

Hmmm, publish or perish? Why limit yourself to two options.......there are many ways to look at the problem, I know YOU of all gals know this to be true.

Hey. The 'publish or perish' thing is a little saying in academia. It cashes out as 'what is the difference between the people who get jobs and the people who don't'? or 'what is the difference between the people who get jobs somewhere they want to live and the people who get jobs somewhere they don't want to live'? or 'what is the difference between the people who get tenure and the people who don't'? or 'what is the difference between the people who get promoted and the people who don't'? i guess it is what we do really... or... it is what we should be doing, at any rate.

I'm going to work today. supervisor will be in a much happier mood if i have work to give him. all of them will be. sigh. going to do it.

played computer game and watched mindless tv for a while last night. so... on with the productivity.

((((guys))))

thanks.

I am a graduate level student so I completely understand the "little saying".
What I'm trying to say is perhaps your "view" of your options is limited. Critical thinking and problem solving theorists might help you redefine your objectives about your choices you make in your life (esp in the work force). They are, after all, very closely linked with psychology.
I was just offering my two cents on helping you look at a yucky situation you clearly aren't satisfied with. Trying to look from another view......

hey. yeah. philosophy major (hence reading and writing and seminars is what it is all about).

if i don't get a job in academia...

hrm...

i'll pick up psychology or medicine or something ;-)