I sent my T an email that she found a bit attacking, and have also been angry with her, slightly attacking her. I feel an urge not to apologise. I'm wondering what others feel. I wasn't really offensive, just suggested that she wasn't doing her job well. I don't want to apologise for expressing myself. In real life I would apologise.

The only time I ever apologised to T was via email after I booked a session with him then realised I couldn't make it. In his reply he said "by the way, you never need to apologise to me." Which made me feel extremely warm and safe.
I've never said sorry since, though sometimes I feel it.

[ScarletPimpernel]

You can say you're not sorry for expressing yourself, but you're sorry if you offended her or hurt her feelings.

I have apologized to my T many times: walking out, a boundary I tried to push, breaking a promise... I've also apologized in emotional ways: "I'm sorry I'm not strong enough", etc.

Both my T and I apologize, but we also don't really believe in the words...we know each of us expect actions to back it up. We also don't make excuses or explain the whys.

[Partless]

Brown Owl, good that you can do that. I have the opposite problem, I apologize too much about everything. I have trouble expressing anger and also having others be angry at me. Either don't express it and feel like exploding and that I'm a doormat, or express it and feel like I destroyed the other person and hurt them deeply. Which actually makes sense because you bottle it up so long that it comes out and it's over the top! So I constantly oscillate between these two positions. To be able to criticize your therapist and saying your T not doing her job well is more than I could.

[ThingWithFeathers]

Yes. I apologise for feeling sui. I apologise for bothering her when I contact outside session times. And I say I'm sorry when I'm embarrassed. But that's just me. I apologise everywhere I go - it's aitomatic for me, and I feel better doing it than not.

[justdesserts]

I'm a habitual over-apologizer and I've been told by my T many times that I don't need to apologize for speaking how I feel because most of the time I hold it in. I honestly can't imagine T every being angry or irritated with me in way that he didn't immediately forgive or want to resolve.

I don't think there's a reason to say you're sorry unless you are.

[JaneC]

I told T today funnily enough that I had a huge urge to apologise, as I had just expressed some 'issues' with some things he said the previous session and asked for him to do things a bit differently.

He told me that he hoped that I could resist the urge to apologise, despite how great it was, as he would prefer I didn't apologise for asking for a need to be fulfilled.

I didn't apologise.

I'm always saying sorry even when I shouldn't. I think that frustrates them lol

You say that if this were in real life you would apologize, why is that? What do you feel is different?

[ombrétwilight]

I apologise too much for nothing, even if I don't actually feel sorry. That's bad because the word loses its meaning due to over-usage. It's probably a cultural thing though. In fact, we were arranging a session just now over text and I said sorry for annoying her. I constantly feel like she's extremely irritated by me and my antics but has to pretend that she likes me because it's her job. And that I'm supposed to be "fixed" by now but am not.

[feralkittymom]

I, too, am confused by how this incident is different from "real life"?

I guess I would feel it was important to acknowledge and explore the urge to not apologize. I think saying that you were "expressing yourself" is a bit of a cop-out because you really weren't expressing anything about yourself--you were expressing a judgement of her. So I would wonder if there were some feeling about wanting to punish her that is simmering?

[stopdog]

No. Thus far I have not been sorry for anything to do with the woman. I would not apologize in the sitation you descibe if I had meant what I said. That the therapist did not like it would not a reason in and of itself to apologize for me.

I have apologized a couple of times when I said something in a way that was harsh, because that's just not who I am or how I want to show up. In that way, I don't see therapy as different than real life. The different part is that if it has to do with a complaint about her, I could express it (hopefully, without getting wound up or attacking) and she could respond without getting defensive.

Basically, my only concern is how I'm communicating, not so much how she is reacting, although a therapist should never get defensive or blaming.

[JaneTennison1]

I did just last night. I had called my T to cancel an appointment and thought she would be at work (it was 1PM, she has a 9-5 job) only for her to pick up!! I promptly freaked out and hung up. It should be noted I haaaaate talking on the phone and just thought I could leave a voicemail. Anyway last night I told her it was me an apologised as it was rude. She laughed a lot( with me not at me, i was jokingly telling her off for answering her phone) and told me not to worry.

Feral kitty your words were thought provoking. I don't really know why I wrote 'real life' and not 'everyday life' as I see my T as being very real with me and 100% genuine. I feel that I don't want to apologise for being me. I don't think I was wanting to punish her - I didn't exactly say : you are doing it wrong, that is her interpretation of it. I wish I could have expressed myself as calmly as Lickety Split speaks of, I was not calm, I was upset, kind of crying and emotionally charged. I kind of saw.it as a good session.

[BlessedRhiannon]

I'm actually working on learning NOT to apologize. I have a tendency to apologize for everything, up to and including just existing. So, if I feel like I need to apologize, my T has asked me to check with her instead of just apologizing. Now, with T at least, I will say "I feel like I need to apologize for xyz. Do I owe you an apology for that?"

If I do really feel like an apology is due, then I will give it.

[Leah123]

I have apologized a couple of times to my therapist for speaking rudely to her. I was curt and harsh in one particular incident.

I don't apologize as a rule in terms of for how I feel or anything like that, but I treat apologies just as I would with anyone- if I feel what I said was disrespectful or that I miscommunicated in an offensive way, I do sincerely apologize.

If you attacked her instead of expressing your concerns constructively, well, I think an apology is appropriate.

There's a difference between being entitled to our feelings and entitled to be rude to others, and there are positive ways to convey what we need or what isn't working.

Originally Posted by Partless

Brown Owl, good that you can do that. I have the opposite problem, I apologize too much about everything. I have trouble expressing anger and also having others be angry at me. Either don't express it and feel like exploding and that I'm a doormat, or express it and feel like I destroyed the other person and hurt them deeply. Which actually makes sense because you bottle it up so long that it comes out and it's over the top! So I constantly oscillate between these two positions. To be able to criticize your therapist and saying your T not doing her job well is more than I could.

The part I bolded: are you me? haha I could have written that word for word to describe myself. I have been working with anger lately in therapy and learning how to first, accept anger as a valid emotion; now learning to express it in a healthy way, it's a little frightening even to practice with her, let alone when I tried it for the first time with hubby. But I'm learning that anger can be expressed in a healthy way.

[Partless]

Originally Posted by artemis-within

The part I bolded: are you me? haha I could have written that word for word to describe myself. I have been working with anger lately in therapy and learning how to first, accept anger as a valid emotion; now learning to express it in a healthy way, it's a little frightening even to practice with her, let alone when I tried it for the first time with hubby. But I'm learning that anger can be expressed in a healthy way.

lol, I might be you, I'll check my birth certificate.

Oh that's wonderful that you are doing that, anger comes up so often in life and it's essentially impossible to get by without learning how to express it in healthy way. It's nice that you can practice with T and even nicer you can practice at home and enjoy the kind of support there. That's great.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Loads of apologizing from my end. All. The. Time. My therapist asked me to take it out of my vocabulary at one point. I have tried since to be less automatic about saying it - for me it may be automatic, a go-to phrase but it is never inauthentic. I default to feeling massively undeserving of help and the urge to apologize is aiming at acknowledging that, and that I am mortified I am inconveniencing or annoying them, and feel I should crawl away and disappear. My 'sorry' is sorry for making them feel stressed or **** or bored because they have to deal with me, it's sorry for still being here taking up space and time.

[lunatic soul]

Almost every time we talk...

i would say sorry to my t, and have. T is a real person with real feelings and it IS "real life."

[nottrustin]

yes, I apologize a lot...a couple of times I sent her an email asking for help which she tried to give me and I didn't like her opinion and I sent a reply that in my opinion was mean and nasty. After when I cool down a bit I send her an apology email. She tells me there is no need to apologize as she understands my frustration.

Occasionally she will email to see if I can reschedule an appointment (usually same day but different time). She knows I do not work on the day I have an appointment with her so I can usually be flexible and encouraged her to email me if she needs to. Sometimes I can't and will apologize with "I am sorry but I can't.."

[feralkittymom]

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

Feral kitty your words were thought provoking. I don't really know why I wrote 'real life' and not 'everyday life' as I see my T as being very real with me and 100% genuine. I feel that I don't want to apologise for being me. I don't think I was wanting to punish her - I didn't exactly say : you are doing it wrong, that is her interpretation of it. I wish I could have expressed myself as calmly as Lickety Split speaks of, I was not calm, I was upset, kind of crying and emotionally charged. I kind of saw.it as a good session.

I'm more confused now. Your post said you sent her an e-mail, and that you've been attacking her and angry with her. I'm not sure what happened in session vs out of session. Maybe it would be worth it to address in session what you thought was good about the previous session and how she interpreted it.

I have been thinking about everyone's replies to my question. My T has adapted since my outburst (I was finding her confrontational), she has become more gentle. I consider our discussion to have been 'therapy'. Perhaps she has decided that her approach wasn't right for me, but I wouldn't want her to apologise to me, either. Rather than apologise I want to explore with her why I get angry like that, and why I find confrontations hard.

[Mikeyboy]

I no call-no showed once, which I felt guilty about, so the next time I saw her I did apologize to her for that.

I've also apologized a couple of times because something she's saying sparks some new thought or idea within myself and then I cut her off because I can't wait to say it.