[ThingWithFeathers]

I'm just curious about others' ideas and experiences.

In my therapy, the focus is on building safety, developing coping skills and, eventually, trauma and relationship work. There's definitely no explicit focus on re-parenting or transference and so forth - it's just safe trauma work.

There are however a few things my T does that, to me, have a re-parenting aspect to them. I suppose the most obvious is that she ALWAYS responds to my emails and phone calls. She's just so reliable when I reach out.

I wondered if it's because my trauma is of an interpersonal nature (ongiong and multiple types throughout key developmental stages in my childhood and youth) that she takes this approach to responding to me? Or do all long term therapeutic relationships have an aspect of re-parenring, in whatever form that may come?

[stopdog]

I would say not in all long term therapy situations. I have seen both therapists for about 4 years and have no such dynamic with either. The first is not particularly constant other than that she does stay back.

Re- parenting can carry negative consequences. I think having a better relationship experience fits better.

[HazelGirl]

It can, depending on the type of therapy.

My T has an attachment-based approach. She acknowledges that there is some "re-parenting" type aspects to her approach (mainly taking advantage of transference and that type of thing), but she isn't my parent. Like Mouse said, it's more focused on having a better relationship than "re-parenting".

There's an added dynamic to our relationship that I am 22, and she has children that are my age. So there is probably a little bit more of a parent-child feel in our relationship than she might have with others. At 22 years old, there are things I still need presently from my parents at my currently stage of life that I am not getting. She does try to be there for me when those things come up. But she doesn't pretend like I am 6 or 8 and treat me how I should have been treated then.

[Lauliza]

I've never had what I would consider a re parenting dynamic in therapy, even during the long term therapy I had for 12 years starting at 11. I don't think there is any one technique that all therapists adhere to, whether over the short or long term. Answering emails and phone calls in a timely matter might not necessarily be a re parenting technique, but just how your T does things.

[nottrustin]

I am sure it does in some I have been with T for about 6years. I have never felt nor wanted reparenting. My childhood is what it was. I had an amazing mother who while not perfect loved us and did anything in her power to provide the best she could. My problem problem comes from the male fathers in my life.

T is 23 years older than me so definitely a motherly age but definitely not mom . Her job is to help me deal with what happened in my past, how my past effects me currently, and to help me deal with the struggles in life (a lot of it is to help me be the mom I want to be while dealing with my fears and insecurities. She is more a confidant than a mother figure.

[NowhereUSA]

i've been with my t for five years and there's nothing about it that would be considering 're-parenting'. i would feel really weird if i had that relationship with a t but that's because of my style. there are things people find comforting or helpful here that would make me run screaming from the room lol.

he's also closer to my age so i feel more like we're practicing friendship than parenting (if that makes sense).

[Leah123]

No, I don't think it's universal, but to the extent clients need skills to cope with life that they didn't get from parents, we can see how that element of learning overlooked skills is akin to being parented. Not in the 'tuck you in bed' or nurse you through your cold way, but in the simple abiding, patient, way of someone modeling good behaviors as a parent ideally would for the child.

[sweepy62]

How would a client know if re parenting is taking place.

[justdesserts]

I don't think so. Most of my therapists have been very close to my own age and have felt more like siblings than parents. I don't ever recall experiencing feelings of transference, but I tend to hold my emotions very tight to my heart. I love my therapists, but I've never wanted a relationship with them outside of the therapy room.

[Leah123]

I don't think reparenting relates to a relationship outside the therapy session. It's about the manner of treatment.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by sweepy62

How would a client know if re parenting is taking place.

Hopefully, a T would explain their techniques. Or the client could ask?

I think there is in my therapy anyway. One time I told t that I had recognized I was coming to her telling her something exciting "like a kid running home from school saying mommy mommy look what I did" (which I NEVER did as a child). She made a comment that was along the lines of I can use her for whatever I need her to be or something like that. I'm over-simplifying because I don't recall her exact words. But anyway that's kinda what it was all about, I guess, having an experience (within the safe confines of the therapeutic relationship) that I didn't get as a child.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by artemis-within

I think there is in my therapy anyway. One time I told t that I had recognized I was coming to her telling her something exciting "like a kid running home from school saying mommy mommy look what I did" (which I NEVER did as a child). She made a comment that was along the lines of I can use her for whatever I need her to be or something like that. I'm over-simplifying because I don't recall her exact words. But anyway that's kinda what it was all about, I guess, having an experience (within the safe confines of the therapeutic relationship) that I didn't get as a child.

I have found myself doing similar things with my T recently. It's sort of embarrassing, and sort of like "wow, I actually have someone I can tell this stuff to who actually cares." I never did that type of thing with my parents, either.

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I have found myself doing similar things with my T recently. It's sort of embarrassing, and sort of like "wow, I actually have someone I can tell this stuff to who actually cares." I never did that type of thing with my parents, either.

yeah, I agree it's a little embarrassing, it surprises me that anything can feel embarrassing anymore after 3 years of telling her embarrassing things. lol

[pmbm]

I had a couple of therapists that did reparenting with me, but I don't know if they really meant to. One was because I was very young emotionally and still in college while she had kids and a husband and was in her 30's. She reparented me at very young ages such as reading kid books to me and coloring with me. Another therapist was in her 70's when I was in my 30's. She held me alot after EMDR sessions and played with my hair and rubbed my back and I have an idea that was due to the amount of devastation we were reprocessing back to very young ages. Also, she had kids who were older than I. Then another therapist I think consciously tried to reparent me and got upset when I started responding as a child. With my therapist now, there is no reparenting involved. She very clearly tells me and coaches me in how to care for the child(ren) in me, but she won't do it for me, and that is really okay. At first I was kind of put off by this, but I also like how I feel like I am making great strides in my therapy, yet not falling apart waiting for my next session (of course, the fact that this is my only therapist I've ever regularly seen twice a week might be impacting those two things).

[dancinglady]

I was in psychodynamic therapy for 9 years and almost the entire time was re-parenting. I was able to pass through developmental stages I missed as a child. I now see it was helpful.

[ThingWithFeathers]

Originally Posted by Leah123

No, I don't think it's universal, but to the extent clients need skills to cope with life that they didn't get from parents, we can see how that element of learning overlooked skills is akin to being parented. Not in the 'tuck you in bed' or nurse you through your cold way, but in the simple abiding, patient, way of someone modeling good behaviors as a parent ideally would for the child.

Yeah, I guess this is what I meant. You know, being the 'good enough' t, rather than taking on the role of a 'good enough' parent?

I suppose in the term 're-parenting' I was leaning more toward the aspects of teaching through role modeling and nurturing, providing an example of a healthy, safe and predictable relationship for someone who has has many developmental traumas. I wasn't really thinking in the holding close and rocking kind of way, more like parental encouragement and support.

Maybe a more a reflection of me than my t's approach lol

[tinyrabbit]

I know I'm experiencing things that didn't happen in my relationship with my parents. Really basic fundamental things, like being allowed to screw up and not be rejected, and having the experience of mattering, it mattering if I'm upset, etc.

I think there is an element of reparenting in T relationships when they work well, because the gaze, attention and devotion of the T is something you may have missed in childhood and those wounds will open up whether or not you are focusing on them in the room. But a T is not a parent and the relationship cannot function like a parent-child one - what it can do is fulfil SOME of those functions in a new way.

[IndestructibleGirl]

In therapy as I know it this time round, yes, there are definitely aspects of re-parenting. I don't see my therapist as a 'mother' though because she simply does not fit the template I have for that based on my wonderful late mother.

My therapist is like a protective older sister helping me find my way because there are no parents around anymore. Plenty of nurturing, attention and love - and admittedly a lot of patience, which I'm only coming to realise fully. Also pretty sibling-like in the tone of the fall out when Things Go Wrong. During those times I perceive her as impatient and fed up of her role trying to meet some parental needs as best she can, and I think I respond to her from a place of abject hurt about my real parents and all their crap. Hmm. This is a new realisation for me.

Alas, she will never be my sister. It stings rather.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by pmbm

She reparented me at very young ages such as reading kid books to me and coloring with me. Another therapist was in her 70's when I was in my 30's. She held me alot after EMDR sessions and played with my hair and rubbed my back and I have an idea that was due to the amount of devastation we were reprocessing back to very young ages. Also, she had kids who were older than I. Then another therapist I think consciously tried to reparent me and got upset when I started responding as a child.

I have to say, that all sounds like my idea of an utter nightmare! Reading kid's books to you? Colouring?! Did you have any adult discussion at all? And what did the other one do who got upset at you when you started responding as a child? Was she not expecting it? Were you okay, or really muddled for a time after all this?

I admire your grit at continuing therapy, and am so pleased you have found a saner one now!

[Perna]

I don't know how much I buy "re-parenting" concepts but there is a lot I learned from T about myself and how to live that I did not learn growing up?

[JustShakey]

Originally Posted by sweepy62

How would a client know if re parenting is taking place.

It's about your own feelings I think. I agree that re-parenting is a bad word for it. It seems more like drawing your attention to what you've missed, so that you can learn what you need - what's appropriate to ask for and what you should learn to do for yourself.
I don't know really. I guess I'm extra sensitive to this topic right now. I'm feeling a bit abandoned, like I've been left to cope by myself, which is something that happened me a lot when I was little. Re-experiencing sucks. (backstory - T was supposed to email me this week and he didn't, so, yeah, that...)

[pmbm]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

I have to say, that all sounds like my idea of an utter nightmare! Reading kid's books to you? Colouring?! Did you have any adult discussion at all? And what did the other one do who got upset at you when you started responding as a child? Was she not expecting it? Were you okay, or really muddled for a time after all this?

I admire your grit at continuing therapy, and am so pleased you have found a saner one now!

I actually had a lot of adult interaction with the one who read me kid books and colored with me. The books and coloring came in when I was so upset I couldn't talk. It was a method of soothing and it worked really well. The one who actively tried to reparent me and told me that I should call her and text her all the time and became upset when I did respond as a child would with emotions I needed help with, well, she really messed me up. She ended up telling me that I was not her child and I was not able to do the work to heal. We ended up terminating with each other and I went on to find the next therapist who teaches me how to take care of parts of myself that need to be taken care of. We had to do lots of therapy around my last therapeutic relationship and also around how that relationship impacts our therapeutic relationship.

[Crescent Moon]

Originally Posted by ThingWithFeathers

I'm just curious about others' ideas and experiences.

In my therapy, the focus is on building safety, developing coping skills and, eventually, trauma and relationship work. There's definitely no explicit focus on re-parenting or transference and so forth - it's just safe trauma work.

There are however a few things my T does that, to me, have a re-parenting aspect to them. I suppose the most obvious is that she ALWAYS responds to my emails and phone calls. She's just so reliable when I reach out.

I wondered if it's because my trauma is of an interpersonal nature (ongiong and multiple types throughout key developmental stages in my childhood and youth) that she takes this approach to responding to me? Or do all long term therapeutic relationships have an aspect of re-parenring, in whatever form that may come?

I'm not sure it's an "all" thing. I think part of it has to do with a therapist's therapeutic style, and part of it has to do with the need of the client. I experienced my therapist as you're describing. For me, "re-parenting" might be a little strong. My therapist simply took on a nurturing role, in a very therapeutic way, and it worked very well for me. What it did, was it gave me another template for relationships that re-wrote the flawed template laid down by my parents. That's the easiest way for me to see it, anyway.

And really, what you therapist is doing may simply be her way of earning your trust.