[JaneC]

Today, and when I asked him if he had tears in his eyes he said yes, it's ok Jane, they are happy tears!

Last session he told me that he "worried how I would respond" if he had had to say no to giving me the additional appointment I had asked for earlier this week. So I asked him today what exactly he meant by that. He clarified. He also said that he meant to say he had concerns, not 'worried' because usually he is very careful about the distinction, because concern is am emotion and worrying is a thought pattern.(I didn't know this actually!) Anyway......

I told him that he needn't worry as I had realised in the last couple of weeks that if he couldn't give me an extra appointment, I knew that he would want to if he could, and that him saying no was not a reflection on me.

This was when he teared up, and he had a red face with it. He thanked me, and also said that it was "wonderful" to hear. I told him it was good for me to realise it, and scary at the same time. He said that it was very good for him also.

I kind of got uncomfortable so changed the subject, but I really wanted to know why it was good for him. And I know he said they were happy tears.....but why would he feel such clearly strong emotion because of me? I'm confused.

I know it is a good thing for me, as it takes one level of stress away from the therapy relationship, but I don't know or quite understand why it caused tears and happiness for my therapist.

Ideas please?

[CantExplain]

He was happy that you had made so much progress that you could accept a nonappointment without taking it personally.

[Ambra]

First of all I think it is wonderful to have such a good relationship with your T that he feels comfortable to be vulnerable and tear up in fromt of you.
I think he said that because therapists are way too often "tested" (sorry for my English) by their clients who always doubt their caring, their feelings and their honesty due to the nature of the relationship and the payment thing.
So hearing that a client really understands if it is not possible for the T to do something and acknowledges that it is out of the T will when it really is, is a relief and a sign that the client really trusts them and that a solid relationship is built. Hope it makes any sense?

yeah, CE explained it in a way shorter and clearer way, ha!

[JaneC]

Thanks. Yes I do understand that he would pleased with my progress, and that probably it takes some pressure(?) off him......I just don't understand the level of his emotion about it.

Perhaps I will get the courage to ask him that.....

[HazelGirl]

Hmm...I'm thinking that he cares quite a bit about you and it made him feel a lot of compassion, pride, and a sense of closeness with you that you would trust him and believe that he is on your side even when you are struggling and could easily interpret his actions as uncaring and rejecting.

[Open Eyes]

Jane, a therapist has to learn "how" to keep a distance from a patient. Therapists hear things from patients that can be very upsetting and because most therapists are caring people and are trying to "help" their patients, it can be very hard to keep it "professional".

When someone has PTSD as you do and is at the beginning of finally discussing some very deep injuries, a good therapist knows he/she has to be careful because of how a patient can be so easily triggered. The therapist really "is" walking on eggshells with each patient, and while the therapist has been developing skills to understand PTSD/trauma work and helping patients, they are never really going to know what to expect from a patient.

A therapist "if he/she is good" has to be able to "feel" with a patient. This is a very challenging skill to learn how to do because while one "feels" for another, it is important to be able to also "distance" from that emotional challenge to also mentor a healing path. The reason most people tend to distance when others struggle or "need" is because they are "unknowingly" self protecting.

Now, just recently your therapist asked you a question that really triggered you, and you were angry remember? Well, that same question could have gotten a very different response, one of deep agreement and even relief that "someone" recognized that yes, at the time the patient felt ____, or maybe underneath the patient feels ______.

A therapist is always taking a chance trying to "probe" a patient carefully to discover "where" certain psychological challenges are, they do not have the entire history of a patient as a patient does and struggles to discuss.

A therapist also has to be "patient" with each patient too. Well, that is going to be different with each individual, it takes time for a therapist to establish their sense of the patient and every patient is going to be "unique" too.

What I get from your therapist getting a little teary eyed is that he really does want to help you and was just relieved that you understood that he can't just drop everything and respond to you, because he can't do that with all his clients. I am sure that in emergencies it's ok.

It takes time to learn how to work through things that pop up unexpectedly while working through PTSD. As you keep progressing, you will learn to remind yourself "not now" and this is just a memory, and I can work through this and even prepare to talk about this in my next session.

I know it can be hard, I had things totally take me by surprise and rattle me badly when I was getting into deeper challenges myself.

Jane, did you check out that video I posted in the PTSD forum? I found it so helpful myself and really wished I had seen it years ago. PTSD was so confusing to me for a while that it scared me. I wish I had been told more about it early on.

((Hugs))
OE

[JaneC]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Hmm...I'm thinking that he cares quite a bit about you and it made him feel a lot of compassion, pride, and a sense of closeness with you that you would trust him and believe that he is on your side even when you are struggling and could easily interpret his actions as uncaring and rejecting.

Is it weird that I dont recognise what care and closeness as you describe are?

I am so confused about care love and like.........when I thought I saw these things in partners I was always wrong. And as a child,well, what I was shown was very different and yet I was told it was love?

I think I am so wary of positive attention........I'm not sure what to do with it.

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[CantExplain]

I think this line of inquiry is worth pursuing.

As a therapy goal, I mean.