It's plain to see that there is an inherent imbalance in therapy. You tell your T all about you and know nothing about him/her. But the truly empty feeling that I now feel when considering the dynamic of the T relationship is new as I think about it over months since beginning with this T.

Now I still make plenty of progress each session and if it's at all hindered by my sadness about therapist-client dynamic, it is effective enough for me to not realize a drop-off. But I've felt so upset in between sessions about never being able to know my therapist, and it has started to come up in my mind during actual sessions. I keep it to myself because I don't want to seem as if I'm trying to guilt trip and I just don't know if anything positive can come from telling her about how I'm questioning if I can trust, if I'm cared about, and if the benefits outweigh the terrible gut wrenching feeling of opening up to someone who can only care so much. Any input my friends?

[NowhereUSA]

i think different ts have different philosophies about being open. i just had a very helpful session with my t in which i brought up an incident he had mentioned a while back and i wanted to ask some nosy questions. so i asked nosy questions and he answered them honestly and with incredible openness. we have a long term relationship though and so i've learned about him over the years.

have you tried asking your t some questions - like favorite foods or favorite bands or favorite movies? would that help?

there's always going to be an imbalance, but it doesn't *have* to feel impersonal if that makes sense.

[stopdog]

The therapist staying back is the thing that makes it at all possible for me to tell them anything.

I know what you mean and she actually has mentioned being slightly more transparent with certain clients based on their needs. Her examples were telling me favorite music and tv. We've had some fun, and somewhat personal discussions, so your advice is very relevant and it's funny you mention it, but I can't shake the idea that even those small personal things she has been willing to talk about are calculated carefully.

Certainly the slightly personal discussions make me feel a little better though. It just feels fake.

Should I tell her what I've said in the first post or would that maybe do more bad than good?

[coolibrarian]

What I've found over many years of therapy is that, if I am questioning anything, or worried about anything, it is fine to bring it up with T, particularly if T is involved.

[NowhereUSA]

it took me a while to be okay with it and i was honest with my t about it. i told him that it felt like an "alternate" relationship like an alternate universe in sci-fi - where you go and play in this fun little universe for a while, but then you leave and come back to reality. that weird analogy helped me feel better as we talked it through. it helps that we have a longer term relationship because he could express to me that he genuinely cares and likes our sessions.

but i don't think it would be harmful to bring it up. it takes adjusting and maybe she can see a way to help you be okay with it.

[elliemay]

It's a crazy relationship. It's a crazy-making relationship. What's even crazier is that it helps to talk about it with your therapist. Then, when you think about it, it's just simply human nature to want their to me more with the person sitting across from you. They can be kind. Who wouldn't want more of that kindness?

It really can be the most bizarre thing in the world, but in some therapies (like mine) it was absolutely normal and necessary for me to feel that way and understand those feelings.

[AncientMelody]

Do I really like my psychiatrist/therapist and think she would be an interesting person to know outside of therapy? Sure....and then I would feel pressure and insecurities as I do with most of my other social relationships. I try to please/care for people all the time. It's nice to have this time to focus on my concerns.

[vonmoxie]

I personally think that it should be a far more standard part of the practice for therapists to ensure that the environment they provide their clients has every opportunity to be real and not aberrant, as something which they hold themselves accountable to provide. There is no good reason for them not to actively establish ways that work for them and that do not compromise their privacy, in which to make elements of their own humanity available to the relationship and to ensure the environment is not "unreal". They should also not be depending on inflated ego effects (a.k.a. "god complex") in order to feel confident in their work, or for any other reason for that matter. These things only undermine the potential for "reality" to exist, for healing, and to me they are some of the worst habits of the industry; or, for whomever claims that they are in some way part and parcel with methodologies, then the worst tenets of those methodologies.

I guess because I very much value my own privacy, and value respect of my privacy from others, I have not been particularly interested to know details of my therapists' lives without their choosing to offer them. But as I said, in order for the relationship to not be unreal, I do think they need to find ways in which they can better participate in healthy discourse with us, and not seem like scientists peering into a microscope at an alien life form.

I really like what Ellie May wrote - there is no denying it is an absolutely crazy relationship. Somehow I don't have any problem in accepting it. I don't feel much desire at present to know more about my T - it's funny how we are all different. I also identify with what von Moxie wrote, and also feel they need to not be peering in. Somehow my T feels the opposite of distant, and very real to me, almost a bit vulnerable, don't know if that is really the right word.

[ScarletPimpernel]

If you are going to ask to know more about your T, I would stick to questions about her, but not about her life. She is in your life, so I would think knowing her better would be appropriate. But knowing things about her family or what she does outside of therapy...thats has no effect on you and your therapy and you should just take whatever she says about that whenever she says it and be satisfied.

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

If you are going to ask to know more about your T, I would stick to questions about her, but not about her life. She is in your life, so I would think knowing her better would be appropriate. But knowing things about her family or what she does outside of therapy...thats has no effect on you and your therapy and you should just take whatever she says about that whenever she says it and be satisfied.

I know what you mean and I agree. I don't feel the need to know about her personal life, but yeah it's nice to have some insight on the person you tell everything just through lighter conversations like interests and such. Surely the amount that I know the therapist could increase my trust, but I don't think trusting her depends on that by any stretch. I have another recent thread that probably gives more sense to why I'm questioning her trust. I just want to know I'm cared for and trusted, as a client, regardless of how much I actually get to know her or anything else. I can identify the goals that would make me feel secure in therapy

Being cynical in a therapy relationship is more healthy than putting your faith and trust in them too much. It really is, trust me.