Why do people fear asking their T questions?

I apologise for expressing myself in an inappropriate manner. When I said that if it matters to you, then it matters to you, all I meant was that each one of us has to decide what is important to us, and I certainly have no right to make any kind of statement about what is or isn't important to you. You are the only one who can say that.

Please forgive me for being clumsy in my phrasing, and please be kind enough to allow me to decide what is and is not important for me. I have not said a single word about whether my therapist is caring or not, I only stated that I would prefer to have the kind of mind that many other people have, who are not concerned about whether their therapists care or not. And I can state unequivocally that I have an excellent therapist who is a very good match for me, and even if it were possible for me to find another therapist, I would not do so. Not that that is of interest to anybody but me, but I mention it anyway since you were kind enough to let me know what you thought I should do.

Some people fear cucumbers. It just is. some people are different than you. Some people don't know how to stop living in a fantasy.

Thank you Mastodon, you were not expressing yourself inappropriately, you just made a generalization about the importance of therapist being caring as not rational at all but I took that to be a broad generalization, which is obviously open to debate. That made me upset because the therapist caring is important to me and also on an intellectual level I think that's a big part of people getting better from therapy.

But I realize now you were talking from a more personal place and about how you wished you could see things, perhaps like Stopdog (though now I'm not sure if your post was a response to hers), and you were not making the post about the issue to open up debate. I am sorry I misunderstood, and needless to say, you are certainly free to see whoever you like and I did not mean to intrude though I see how I did.

What type of therapists are you seeing that would lie to you.....seriously!

I can understand the statement about questioning honesty.

I don't think my T would just outwardly lie to me, but I do wonder about what he says in regard to being upfrontly honest (not a real word I know). Here are the two real reasons.
1. In my mind and with my issues, his job requires him to say the right thing to the right person or he would not have clients left. You know, if an abuser comes to him and says that he is beating people up and asks what the T thinks and the T tells him to get his **** together and stop being a bully, he is not going to have clients any longer. But if he is somewhat dishonest and makes it less of a deal then it is, he has a chance to have the person stay around and get help.

2. We are all in different places and are all different people and to say something directly and upfront to one person might cause a bad response to another. I really want to be able to believe that mine would be honest even if I don't like what I might hear and then at the same time if he were to say some things to me I know I would fall apart. So it is quite the paradox!!! I want honesty DESPERATELY, but also respect and trust his judgment enough to wonder if he is honest.

I don't know if that made sense, but it is something I struggle with everytime my T says something nice and I try to figure out why he said it and if it is honest or just job security (and yet I say I trust him more then anyone in my life and have told him things I have told no one in my life). Go figure!

I am generally not shy about ensuring that my therapists understand the active role I want to play in my own progress, and the kind of transparency I likewise require. I made the mistake recently though, because I wanted to make sure that I didn't do anything even unintentionally to direct the process with my last therapist, so that I could be the beneficiary of his true opinion; to get a fresh look at my situation. I was so wrong to do so though, and will never again approach therapy in that manner. After being in nine months of twice-weekly sessions, docilely letting him direct the process from beginning to end, I started asking questions again. Gently at first, but with interest expressed in understanding how he viewed progress as occurring, what he thought was going on with me diagnosis-wise, etc. Nothing unusual. He seemed wholly shocked at my interest in such topics though (?), and commenced with a variety of standard issue deflection, such as answering my questions with questions of his own, looking for some alternate meaning for my questions (believe me, they were quite simple in nature)..

It was too late. My not asking questions from the get-go seemed to get me stereotyped by him as someone who did not need questions answered, and then I could not break him of that incorrect assessment. My bad.

It's never occurred to me to ask a paid professional whether they care about me. I base my understanding of whether a person cares about me on their unprompted actions outside of a reimbursed setting. I know who cares about me, by who is in my life throughout; who remains, who continues. What they might say on prompting I would not be interested to hear, myself. No disrespect to those who would.

This is why I do want to know. I, personally, want all my doctors to care about me. Of course each to a different degree. Like my dentist and primary: I want them to care about me for me; not as a number. But I don't need to ask them. I can tell just by their actions and for them that's enough for me.

But my Pdoc and T: they know the most vulnerable parts of me. But, unlike family who choose to be a part of my life, they are in my life because they get paid. If they don't care, I'd rather give my money to someone else. I'm not asking to be a part of their life or they be a part of mine outside the professional relationship. But for the role they take in my life, I need them to care. But that's just me.

Would a therapist really tell you if they didn't care or didn't like you? My therapist said he wouldn't tell someone if he didn't really like them.

It depends. The ethical ones would terminate relationship if they did not care for the patient at all. Unless they do some kind of therapy that is pretty distant, like if all they have to do is give you a CBT form to fill out or something. But when a real relationship is created, care becomes relevant.

But liking is different. You can care for someone but not like their personality or actions or something else they do that annoys the heck out of you. Sometimes these unlikable things will be mentioned by the therapist, especially if they are relevant to the therapy. Like a therapist might say, "I really don't like you keep staying past the hour on a regular basis despite me repeatedly telling you the time is up and that this throws off my whole schedule. I find it very frustrating."

I get what you're saying, but at the same time it's focusing solely on the words "like" and "care". I'm not sure how to explain it in more detail. It's more about the conversation, the description, etc. then the exact words.

I'm sorry I don't know how to explain it better.

I don't ask her anything about herself. I ask her things about me. "Is there a reason why I can't cry? Is there a chance I can get better? Is there anyone else who comes here as messed up as I am? Do people really come in here and say things are great?" Her answers are forthright and she doesn't placate or minimize my feelings.

She shows empathy and respect, I don't need her to tell me false words, I need her actions to speak for her.

My therapist has said more than once that he would not be able to work with a client he did not like, at least not long-term. I think it is a reasonable thing for a T to refer a client on to someone else in those cases, though presumably they would not say that that is the reason.

All my life I have lived in fear of appearing needy, even if what I may want to ask/do/say is perfectly normal. I always avoid telling people (including T) that I need them, and I believe no one besides God has ever heard me say "I love you". Even when dealing with MH issues, I could never be up front and query T if she thought I had a certain MI, as I wanted to avoid looking as if "I'm searching for a DX" (I realise I sound ridiculous, but it's how my brain works). And as some of the others said, there is also the fear of rejection, because I could never live with the embarrassment if someone let me down after a show of "weakness/emotion" from me.

I struggle with this myself, I told my t almost exactly what you wrote. She wants me to ask for things when I need them, the keyword here is NEED. I grew up needing, but never asking, I survived without asking, and yes it was a great struggle but I did it. My mom says that is one of my greatest qualities , that I never asked for anything as a child, never needed anything, never asked for affection, gifts, toys, although I had everything. I grew up having everything a kid wanted, except love, security ect... but when a parent points out to you, that your greatest quality is that you were a great child and an adult because you never gave anyone a hard time with needing anything, and comparing you to the other siblings which were always needing, how in the hell, am I supposed to be comfortable with asking for anything as an adult now.

I wouldn't ask my T the question - does she care about me? - because I think words in reply to that question are a bit empty. The way she has responded to me when I've been emotional have more meaning than words.

I think I barely ask her any questions, I sort of trust that she says the important things to me that she needs to say, I'm interested in the things she has to say to me (which is a lot as she talks quite a lot, less now since I found it too much). I talk more now and she responds to me without me needing to ask her questions, I'd rather hear what her response is than ask her a question.

My mom tells me the same things . She's especially proud of how as a baby I wouldn't cry to have my diaper changed - I'd wait for her to come get me. I just wonder how long I was left crying to achieve that particular goal. Ah, the joys of selective memory, right mom?

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My parents told me similar. They told me I was the perfect child until I was 13. Hmm...before 13 I was neglected and ignored. I had no friends and I spent most my days hiding. And 13 was when my depression hit...so yeah, my depression made me not perfect.

I am coming late into this discussion, but really want to let you know how I feel about what you say here.
I know you don't mean to hurt by saying this, you just really want to understand, so please do not take this as an attack. I am just going to explain by showing my reaction to your questions.
Because I think the way I do: This statement above hurts me. I feel demeaned. I feel dismissed. I feel you are saying I am not trying in my therapy or do not care enough about the truth.
Can you see from this reaction that perhaps I take things to heart as an attack on me?
I react the same way to wanting to ask my T questions. This shows the T I do not know something. This is a weakness I cannot allow because my fear of the consequences is huge.
Your desire to know is greater than your fear, my desire to know is great, but my fear is greater. It is literally all-encompassing.

That really hurts.
Of course I don't want to live in a fantasy, but as I believe nobody can really care for me, especially if they know me as well as a T would, why would I want to emphasise this?
I interpret everything as an attack on me, because I do not believe in my self worth. Can you now understand that fears that others will discover how worthless I am might be so strong they would prevent me asking apparently simple questions?
They seem to me to lead to a completely terrifying possibility of being found to be completely worthless. This is so terrifying, death can seem a better option, and it leads me to behave in a way that appears illogical, but is the only way I have of protecting myself. This is what I am in Therapy for: learning new ways to be safe and learning to value myself.

Interesting response by Arha, especially "Your desire to know is greater than your fear, my desire to know is great, but my fear is greater. It is literally all-encompassing." I wonder if that's not true for many others here too.

I have no need to ask. It is a foregone conclusion that people will not like me and that I am not worth their care. Any statements to the contrary are nothing but false words being fed to me to keep me on their hook.

I have to feel a sense of someone being genuine, whether in friendship or in hatred. I can't believe any statements delivered verbally.

Arha, You are SOOO not alone. It amazes regularly how many people think/feel as I do. I guess I have always assumed I was not completely alone in my thoughts but I didn't realize how many of us there are out there.
How can we KNOW something is not rational and yet still feel so certain of its truth. I always feel responsible for what people feel and think and am soooo terrified of them validating how I feel about myself and how I am sure they feel about me.
This is how bad I am,,,,, I do couples therapy with my husband and he became suicidal a while back. After the T talked him into going inpatient, he finished by saying "I am not telling you not to do something......" and that was where my listening ended because my brain translated immediately thought if he had said that to me, I would have immediately decided he was telling me to kill myself. I quickly pulled myself together (probably because it wasn't actually me) and realized what I was doing and knew the T would NEVER say that and that my husband is the type that if told what to do, he will do the opposite. So I am assuming the statement was because of my husbands resistance to being told what to do and not do.
BUUUUT, either way. The first thing I did was think that if it had been me I would have so fought the belief that he wanted me to kill myself so he wouldn't have to deal with me anymore. WOW, I know. (and I could never actually take my life because I feel to responsible for everyone else...LOL... THAT is screwed up)
All that to say, you are SOOOOOO not alone. I completely understand your thought process and struggles.

I apologize. The last thing I meant to do was make anyone feel bad. I can't do anything right. I'll leave you all alone. Doesn't matter anymore. I'm done trying.

Best of luck.

Scarlet, I don't think anyone was meaning that YOU were making them feel bad. I sure wasn't. I think we were all acknowledging how we feel about our own issues and how/why we react the way we do. Not about you or accusing you, just voicing our own demons.. LOL

They think it's better to don't know not to hear no.
I never had problems with this. It's really easy for me to ask him questions but it's hard to talk about myself and to answer to his questions.

Scarlet it's ok, it was a valid question and you got honest answers

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