Why do people fear asking their T questions?

Reading Arha's post made me feel really bad. It didn't mean to hurt, demean, or dismiss anyones feelings, thoughts, or personal experiences.

I just wanted to understand especially since there are a lot of posts about not wanting to ask T about xyz.

I'm not perfect or right. I'm not saying that asking T is what anyone has to do. I just didn't understand how I could relate to so many of you but not in this one area.

I have BPD: I fear rejection and abandonment so so much. I have low self-esteem, I'm sensitive, and extremely shy. I have no friends and basically no family. And most my life I depended on my mother-figure relationships. I didn't care how "real" they were or not. I'm terrified when I ask my T questions, but I still ask. I always have with all my Ts. So I was just trying to understand.

I guess like I ask my T questions, this question is the same. I asked and I wound up hurting someone. I really do apologize if I offended anyone. That is the last thing I ever want to do.

Some self help book I was reading says it's not my fault if something I say hurts you. It's just that what I said touched an old wound of yours.

You don't have to apologize, Scarlet. You asked a damn good question in a genuine spirit of trying to understand how we all can be so different. There is no shame in wanting to understand. You meant neither offense nor harm.

And I must applaud you for asking questions! I'm so terrified of being fooled or tricked or lied to that I don't really believe I will receive an honest answer. In this there is a lot of room for me to grow, follow your example, and ask. So thank you for this informative thread!

Scarlet, I am really sorry you feel bad for asking a valid question. I did not want that to happen.

It is not your fault that I feel this way.

It is not bad for you to ask, or to want to understand.

I knew it would be hard to explain how I can be so afraid of asking questions, so I chose to be as honest with my feelings as possible. As I said, I did not want you to take this as an attack. I just wanted to show my feelings as clearly as I could through written words.

I tried to show this by using phrases like" I felt..." rather than "you made me feel..." I am very sorry this was not as clear as it could have been.

Thank you for asking, and for listening to all the different answers. I think you have shown yourself to be sensitive, and caring.

I've asked my T a few questions and he's answered. But I've always said 'I just wanted to know because..' before he asks 'why did you ask that?'
But I don't ask a lot of questions. It's more related to my medication (he's a psychiatrist) or how things work, like, why do people get depressed, why do I get sick, why, whatever and he's been able to answer so far.

but I wouldn't ask subjective questions like did he care for me, was he attracted to me, etc. I'd like to think he did, but it doesn't really matter, the important thing is that I get better and I learn skills to manage my depression and anxiety.

SP, I am like you in that I need the honesty. I spent a lot of time and emotional energy investing in relationships that were definitely not what I thought they were. However, growing up, the things people said they felt did not line up with what people did (said they loved me and then hit, demeaned, etc). And then later, what my boyfriend actually did, did not line up with what he said (stayed with me, acted like he adored me, constantly wanted sex, but said he was not in love with me, wasn't really attracted to me, etc). So one group of people said they loved but acted like they hated me. Boyfriend acted like he loved me and said things that were cruel.

For me now, the test becomes whether the person's words and actions match. And KNOWING the truth is huge for me. Absolutely huge. My T gets frustrated with me because I consider it a weakness not to face the limitations of other people's feelings about me. For instance, my H loves me, but in a more limited way that I would wish for. He will not stand up for me to other people. He will on occasion throw me under the bus (blame me for things) in order to protect himself emotionally. My T wants me to see that as a reflection of my H's issues rather than a reflection of my H's feelings for me. No. If he really loved me as deeply as I love him, he would be able to face his anxieties and not harm me by blaming me, or allow me to be emotionally harmed by having to face certain attacks without him on my side. I think it is a form of weakness to think otherwise.

I have trouble with the fact that my H will not ask me things sometimes because he fears the answer, when asking me would just get the issue out in the open and keep it from festering in his head.

It helps me sometimes to see people posting things that resonate with me. I often feel like an outsider on this forum. So for what it is worth, your post made me feel less alone and like less of a weirdo.

My kids are cool:

Your post completely described me. Growing up, I was told I was loved, but their action were definitely not love. And in relationships in adulthood, I was loved, but not respected. Even what you wrote about your H is similar to my relationship with my fiance. My fiance CONSTANTLY lies to me. I asked him why, what's the fear of telling me the truth. He told me that he wants to do everything for me and when he can't he doesn't want to disappoint me. But also in our relationship, he is the mostly loving, caring man I've ever been with...he's also my worst enemy because of the lies and the abuse. But his anger/abuse stems from keeping everything inside...trying to be perfect. ..because I am a perfectionist and he fears my reactions.

I guess, I need the truth so that I can understand the limitations of the relationship. So I don't put in so much effort into someone who isn't invested into me. It's like I am protecting myself by limiting how much pain I feel it the person left me. And Ts, well, because they don't disclose much, they can come across seeming perfect (and I know they aren't). So it's especially important to me to know the truth with my T.

It's definitely a new perspective for myself.

Arha:

Thank you for responding again. I apologize for taking your response personally. I haven't been in a good state lately and I felt so bad if what I say hurts anyone. I know you put in your original post that you weren't attacking me. I didn't feel attacked, but I did take it personally which wasn't your intention either.

I do appreciate your honesty. It is what I want considering the topic of the thread. But wanting to always know the honest truth comes with it's own price... which I why I still fear responses to my questions.

I do understand the feeling you wrote in your post. I do understand your belief that no one can really care for you. I have a similar belief. Everyone in my life has left me. Most have used me. So then my T comes along and cares for me and I'm constantly challenging her on it. After a year of challenging, I finally believe her, but I'm still not 100% sure of her definitions so the testing, challenging, and questions will continue.

People who need to know the truth or people who fear asking questions are just two polar opposites but with the same intention of protecting ourselves. Maybe?

You mentioned the fear of feeling more worthless. While I do feel worthless at times, it's not my greatest fear. My greatest fear is abandonment. And my need for asking questions is probably similar to "I'm going to abandon you before you can abandon me".

Hmm. More to think about.

That rings true to me.

I do appreciate everyone's responses. It's interesting learning how similar we all can be, but also how different we are. But at least for me, the differences allow me to better understand others and myself. I'm like a 2 yr old in that regard...always asking why.

Thank you all.

Simply for me it is anxiety or just feeling awkward. And that pertains to pretty much everything.

I have been thinking about this question a lot, especially since I plan to basically ask a bunch of questions next session in two days to see if my T and I are still a good match.

I have several, built up questions because I haven't asked them in the past. I avoided them; I guess that's a form of fear, but in my situation I never felt a pressing matter to ask about as far the little things that would gain my trust (or not) based on her answer. The little things I was hesitant about bringing up for these months mounted into a pile of questions to ask of her now. When I think about it, this is my first successful therapy run, and I think the progress so dwarfed my few and far between concerns that I just didn't see a problem. I plan on making it clear that a goal of mine is to not let these things go, address any concern when necessary and have a smoother therapy and, if things work out this week, it could be a huge step forward in my therapeutic relationship with a T who has already made more of a difference in my life than anyone, with the exception of immediate family. So I'm nervous, excited, and therefore extremely anxious for this next session.

So that's my personal situation...but I think everyone here has their valid reasons for hesitating to ask questions in therapy and in general, and while it should probably be a goal to work on the underlying issues that cause this fear, acknowledging it seems like a pretty healthy first step

Best of luck when you see your T! Just make sure you're prepared for any answer. A good T will help you process whatever the outcome is. And that is progress too. I think I've made more progress with learning how to cope with the answers than with pushing past the fear.

But we each have to do what is best for ourselves

I am very private and I always assume that everyone else is too. I don't like putting people on the spot. I am learning to speak more freely in therapy though, but I never want to be the kind of person who goes too far.

In my inadequate way, I go from ostrich with head buried in sand to bull in China shop. Very hard to know when it is appropriate to ask something, and I always go too far and make things awkward.

The stupid thing about having your head in the sand is that it leaves your rear end sticking up like a big old target! Best to ask and know the truth, no matter how awkward? Or better to ignore every sign and blindly accept what I'm told without asking anything?

Is there a happy medium in here? Are there baby steps for beginners of Socially Awkward 100, so when we fulfill the prerequisite we can pass to Socially Awkward 101? With the hope that life lessons learned along the way will help stop the awkwardness, certainly.

Sorry for my confusing ramble, carry on.

With this thread in mind I went into my therapy session planning to ask my T a question. I got as far as saying that I wanted to, and found it difficult, and could not say another word all session.

I just feel so worthless that I don't believe I can ask anyone for anything.... I know it's some screwed up thinking, but I can't get over it...

I think it's awesome that you tried. Hold onto your question and try another day. There is almost always "another day". And to make things a little easier, you can try discussing the topic around the question. Like for me, the progression of asking her if she loved me went like this: "do you like me?", "do you care about me?", several sessions becoming sure that she cares, discussing friendship, discussing love, and finally "do you love me?" and "do I love you". That took me a year. I did not just jump right in. I "tested the waters" first.

I still find asking questions difficult. When I first started, I used to tell T I had a question, but I wouldn't necessarily asked it that session. I also always start out with "can I ask you a question?" or "I have a question". She used to fear those two statements because she never knew what was coming her way, but she knew it was extremely important to me. Now she's not afraid of my questions so long as I don't save them for the end of session

Sort of in the same boat as you. Therapy goes better when people can be open and honest about what they do and don't like.