[growlithing]

Hey guys. I've been trying to figure out how to word this all day because it's been bothering me all day but I just am at a loss for words. So I saw LCM today. Basically, she has been pushing me really hard recently and not being all that patient. Which is okay because it kinda seemed like I was falling off the deep end a few weeks ago. But I am okay and stable again. All it took was to stop drinking so much. Go figure you guys were right. Anyway, I think I might have shaken her. She was angry with me for a week or two and she met with me twice this week.

Something happened in my session today. The topic was my diet and she was pushing me pretty hard. She told me she worries she isn't helping me the way she should. She says she doesn't feel useful. I said that isn't true and I pointed out something I did recently that she didn't notice was a big thing for me. Her reaction to that was... she apologized because she said she was pushing me too hard without giving me enough credit for the smaller steps. She went on saying that she's struggling to be as patient as she should be because she wants me to be happy and healthy so much. She feels like I'm so close to being successful and she says she believes I can do it. At this point, she had teared up a lot so I asked her if and why she was crying. She said she was and that she thinks the whole reason I'm not where I could be is because I can't see myself the way she sees me and I instead just see a distorted reflection of a picture my parents painted of me. She said she wishes that she could just magically make all of that pain go away because she cares about me so much.

She wasn't hysterical or anything. It was very calm. I kinda feel conflicted about the whole thing. On one hand, I feel like she loves me. On the other, I feel like I am failing her and I felt sad all day. I couldn't figure out why, then I remembered about the only time I had ever seen my actual mother cry. I was eight years old. She had fed me a bagel after I begged her forever saying that I'm hungry. She told me to "just shove it in" and then cried while I ate it, asking god what she did to deserve a child as awful as me. And I remember feeling beyond overwhelmed with shame and guilt for burdening her like that. Seeing LCM cry a little about my lack of progress after talking about food triggered the shame and guilt feelings again. But I know that's not true. I know she was sad about how I feel about myself and the self image she doesn't want me to have which is very different than what made my mom cry. She wasn't upset with me. She was upset with the situation and my abusers. I know that the reason this happened was because she loves me and it hurts to see me hurt and not because I am awful. So the feelings of being loved and feeling guilty are mixing together in this uncomfortable mix and I don't know what to do with it. I don't know if I want to tell her because I appreciate her willingness to express her emotions and I don't want that to stop. But I also don't like the other half of my feelings around it.

[StressedMess]

Wow a hard one. If she is that upset it might mean she's too tied to you personally to be objective as a T. It's nice to see she cares for you, but a T should never be overwhelmed and unable to help. That's the point where they give you a referral.

I would have the same love/guilt reaction if my T responded this way, which is not healthy for me and really why I'd like us to stay detached. If I'm worrying about pleasing her it's just distracting me from my purpose, healing in order to live a better life.

Good luck Growli

[HazelGirl]

I think that analyzing this type of situation is what therapy is about. Going back and saying something about how her tears made you think of the only time you saw your mom cry and how when your mom cried she made you feel guilty, but when LCM cried it was out of love and compassion. That's therapy gold right there.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I think that analyzing this type of situation is what therapy is about. Going back and saying something about how her tears made you think of the only time you saw your mom cry and how when your mom cried she made you feel guilty, but when LCM cried it was out of love and compassion. That's therapy gold right there.

It was a really special moment. There was a lot of emotion in the room and it was pretty intense. I know she felt it too even though I guess I don't know. I guess it's worth bringing up.

[unaluna]

Yeah, i dont think my t exactly understands who is talking when i say that i am hungry, i want breakfast, im allowed to eat, or i can wait to eat. He only ever sees a fat person talking.