[MirandaL]

Lately I´ve been feeling more and more lonely between the sessions and I think it´s because my T decided she won´t be that caring or nurtering any longer. I feel that she also cares of course but the feeling afterwards isn´t that pleasant, that is when I leave therapy and starts to think about what has been said.

I also feel that there´s such a long way to go to get better and in relation to my T I think she just lives an easy life, having her own practise, being able to go on trips and so on whilst I have to spend most of my time alone between sessions.

Therefore I can´t really relate to her and be fully open to her, it would be the same situation with another T as they will always be superior in some way. They work - I´m unemployed. Them having relationships (most often) - I´m single. They have money - Me living on welfare and so on.

I know T:s shouldn´t be my friend but I think those 50 minutes in session once a week (it´s not possible having more frequent sessions because of lack of money) just feels insufficient. T doesn´t offer contact through e-mail, she´s available on phone if there´s more of an emergency to talk about but not in general.

Even if my T is openminded and lets me talk about mostly what I want the actual time isn´t enough. It takes some minutes at the beginning of the session to get into therapy mood and most often I feel quite uneasy at some time during the session and that also makes me a bit distant to my T and to the therapy itself. The result being that I then feel left out, lonely and I also feel it´s hard to have to wait for several days for another meeting.

One of the reasons I went into therapy is that I often feel lonely and I am also quite lonely with just a couple of friends and therefore I think I´m now feeling very vulnerable when experiencing feeling lonely after the therapy sessions.

Is there anyone else feeling this way? Just want to hear your opinions, talking to my T about this will perhaps come into question later but now I just want some support in here.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Hiya I can definitely relate. In the very early stage where I made the assumption that my T had had this perfect amazing life, but that actually wasn't the case at all. Because of my experiences in life, I know now I would not be able to bond the same way to someone who hadn't gone through their own devastation or who could not discuss that with me.

I also know that therapy is fruitless (in terms of making real change) for me if I can't have communication outside the appointment. The spark of the deeper connection just goes out.

I know you say you feel it would just be the same with another therapist, but maybe you could find one who self discloses more and offers in between session contact?

[MirandaL]

IndestructibleGirl: Appreciating your reply. I really agree with you in the things you describe but how could I handle this in the actual therapy? I mean, I can´t force my T to tell things about herself if she's the kind of person who keeps most things secret due to the therapist-client relationship.

I also don´t know if she has had those "rough times" that would make me feel more connected to her. Logically I can realise that she of course must have had some difficulties in her own life but those things might be quite different to my own issues.

As the T most often should be the "blank slate" you can´t demand your T to tell you his or her hard life stories and then decide if you will choose that therapist or not. I choosed my therapist based on that I feel/felt that she cares for me and that she´s proffessional but I don´t see how I could get to know that many more parametres.

The things you could ask more concretely about is perhaps if she works with special problem areas as issues around sexual orientation, that is asking about his or her sexual orientation but that must be asked in beforehand as I see it. But more general stuff like being left or having to divorce, struggles around unemployment and so in, that´s not the ordinary questions that you ask your T.

As I myself pay for my therapy and already went to this T for several months I can´t just choose another therapist and work with that T from the beginning as I don´t have the money to do so. My T has earlier on read emails between sessions and then commented upon them in session but she has in a subtle way told me that e-mails won´t come into question anymore.

How much communication do you have with your T between sessions? Did you get this permission to contact him/her between sessions from the beginning, I mean did he or she tell you that's how he/she works. Does your T communicate with you "for free" or do you have to pay your T some extra fee for communication between sessions?

When e-mails suddenly seem to be out of the question I feel more distant and the analyses I´ve done through e-mails just don´t get done beacause I know she won´t read my e-mails any longer. I really don´t know how to deal with this as this also has a very distinct financial aspect, I can´t pay for some kind of e-mail service and can´t force my T to read e-mails "for free" either.

Hoping for more perspectives on this.

[HazelGirl]

You said the reason you went to therapy was that loneliness, and I think working on gaining some good friendships in your life will help. But it does take time and so if it's not too overwhelming and difficult to handle, just sitting with those emotions and acknowledging them might help. And then go out and try to find some friends.

[MirandaL]

HazelGirl: I´m trying to do this as well but my thread is more focusing on how to deal with issues more specifically around the relationship with my T, see the comment I made before your answer.

[HazelGirl]

I missed that comment. Sorry.

Could you write in a journal and then bring the journal in for your T? I know it's not the same thing, but it might help a little?