I still don't understand...

About disclosure.

I actually told my T today about my "darkest secret". It was torturous for awhile because she wasn't understanding the order of events so I had to keep saying and keep hearing the "words".

My reason for telling my T was kinda backwards. I wanted her to reject me. I wanted her to abandon me. I wanted this so that I wouldn't hurt her if I killed myself. I wanted/want to die. I even told her this. But she didn't reject me! I told her I don't understand why. I told her that if I told the world my secret, most people would reject me. But she didn't?!?!

Do I feel some relief that she knows and still accepts me? Yeah. But I feel like someone I really care about knows how horrible I am and that just adds to my shame.

She said she doesn't expect me to forgive myself yet. She said I can keep these negative feelings for now. But all she wants is for me to hold onto at least 1% of hope. 1% of positive thoughts.

She also agreed that it doesn't make sense how this could have just accidentally happened. She said that children at that age don't know about things unless taught, and even though I have no memory, it doesn't mean something didn't happen. I told her the only time something might have happened, least from what I was told, would have been when I was 2. Of course I have no memory at age 2 (well, I have 3 memories, but they are completely fragmented...like still photos).

I'm just not sure still that I did the right thing by telling her. It's supposed to be right. She said she thinks it was right, but also told me I didn't have to.

I just don't get it. And I don't really feel much better...

Least next week I will be bringing my new puppy to session and it will be somewhat of a distraction and break from this trauma stuff.

One percent is good. Right now im hanging on to one percent. Its all thats left of the real me, that hasnt been bossed over by the boss. I feel like sleeping beauty - one percent of me is still in there.

I don't even know what the "real" me is. Is it all these horrible things? It is part of me. Is it how I am now? Or is that an act? Me trying to be a "good" person, trying to change...or just all a mask I wear to hide the evil? Idk.

I have the 1% hope, but for now, even 2% seems unobtainable.

Part of me wishes to try ECT...to erase my memories. But from many accounts, I'll be left with the feelings still.

My T said I can have two experiences at the same time, both positive and negative, and both valid. It's hard to be aware of both: I tend to only be able to go back and forth.

Maybe, like everyone earth, you have good and bad. Like everyone, you're neither an angel or a devil. You're human, oddly stuck between those two extremes. And maybe what makes you good or bad isn't what happened in the past, but what you choose to do now, today, to make the world a better place.

Ah, Scarlet and Hankster, too. One percent is a good place to start.

I do understand this thing about disclosure. It's the first step in letting go of the shame and self-loathing and maybe, slowly slowly, over time, coming to realize you're not the terrible evil person you now think you are.

Because you're not. Whatever you did, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter that you didn't fight, none of that matters. Really bad things happened and you didn't know you had any other options.

You've been working really hard to learn and change and grow. That's the part that matters, what you're doing now, trying to get better. Keep adding a percent here and a percent there and slowly slowly, over time, it will get better.