Confused. Not sure how I feel. Regression.

I am so confused.

I think I emotionally regressed in my session a bit. I think I am feeling shock and pain and stuff, in a visceral way and acknowledging it, that I never, ever have felt since I was about five or six years old. After that I was not a child (well I mean I obviously was in reality but I tried to be an adult) and did not express negative feelings as kids usually do. But because it's so unfamiliar, I can't be sure this is what's happening. I can't remember the last time me and my pain got so intimate in the presence of somebody else.

I felt like somebody could see the trouble I was in, and was paying attention, and not freaking out or getting impatient about it, and not making it worse. It wasn't crying, it was feeling really unwell, as if I'd been punched a whole load of times, talking about some trauma.

Cringing a bit at the very idea of regression. This isn't me, I don't do hardcore vulnerability. Logically, I can see that if you miss out some developmental steps emotionally first time round, they need to be gone through at some point later on. Is that how it can work? Have you regressed?

Sorry if this post is all over the place and not making much sense, I am so tired but my head is a jumble and I'm trying to piece together stuff and make sense of where I am.

At one point, I was telling my therapist about a little girl I know, who really affected me when I first met her - she comes from a background of the most grisly and horrifying sexual abuse you can think of, and is now thankfully in a very loving foster family. I was saying how it made me so sad that this little girl's boundaries have been so ****ed with, that you can't even give her a hug, etc, how it just should not be like that for a child, ffs. And my therapist said sometimes she sees me that way, though obviously it's very different, because I'm so afraid of her touch. I don't know why her saying this has affected me, but it really has.

After connecting via holding her scarf again, we've also done a scarf swap for the week there is something v comforting in having hers here with me. At the time, I wanted her to take mine because I couldn't bear the thought of her being cold without hers (London is chilly now!) so she took it, and now I'm also getting a surprising comfort out of the fact that she has something of mine with her. Am I weird?

Feeling very confused but very blessed tonight.

I've been there with the regression thing...it really is an almost surreal experience for me. Like I second guess myself about what just happened and if maybe I was faking it or did I remember it wrong? That kind of thing...

You wrote your experience with it here so eloquently. I don't think I have much I can say that would add to what you've already figured out for yourself, but just know I can truly relate and the scarf swap is cute! I wish I could be that vulnerable with my T.

It all makes perfect sense and I think is very much a valuable part of the process. Just keep being open to it.

I also felt that you described the experience really articulately. I'm also experiencing some regression. I think it is helpful to reexperience the emotions from that time, but with support this time - so they don't need to be shut out anymore. I find the emotions to be physically painful. In one sense the emotions seem new to me. But in another Sense I feel that I have experienced echoes of them at certain times in my life and it is helping me to understand why I felt the way I did at those times. I think your T is wonderful for exchanging the scarf with you. I find the concept of re-parenting helpful.

Thank you - yeah it is totally surreal isn't it! I guess it is because we are so unexperienced with it we don't know what it is.

Is it something that you went through a period of, or is it something that happens on and off in your experience?

Thanks, FKM, I am glad it makes sense! I think I feel confident that I can be open to it, maybe not all the time for now because there are still times everything gets so overwhelming I lock right down - but certainly that it can always come back. Not that it's a one off. That's my gut feeling on it.

I think what I'm also learning is it's ok for connection to ebb and flow a bit, instead of getting frustrated and panicking when I feel shut down. That was what happened yesterday, and simply saying, hey, I don't feel as strongly connected as last week - that suddenly seemed to open the channels of contact and make it available. Or something.

Thank you I totally hear ya when you say the emotions seem new but like you know traces of them at the same time. When did you first experience it?

It's something I'm still going through....I can't say I understand it and I'm not sure if my T does or not at this point. I find it rather frustrating actually just because I don't see an end in sight. maybe I'm in the middle of it so all seems dark. Wish I had more encouraging info to give you...