[Petra5ed]

This is how I was in my session and this is how I normally am. My t says I struggle to connect, I think this is true. As the session went on though I became even more locked out because I felt like I was seeing through the transference delusion for the first time. My t suddenly seemed very human and very imperfect. I could finally feel that for him I'm just a client, no one special. In a way it was good. The idea of being with him romantically seemed crazy, we're not even that close I realized! I've just been so drawn to him and his caring, all these qualities I cant even mirror back to him because I'm just a deer in the headlights. I'm too terrified to be me, so I'm no one instead. I'm a fantasy person living a fantasy life.

He went on about this while I was pretty quiet. About how I'm not what I show everyone, the outward me is in conflict with the real me. I thought I could cry. I felt like if I started to let go I would be incoherent and the tears might never stop. I didn't even know why I was so sad. I don't know anymore. But I didn't cry, I didn't say a word, I just sat there saying as little as I could. It's going to be hard to seduce anyone at this rate, who am I kidding. What's wrong with me? Why can't I live a life that's true to myself?

[healingme4me]

Sometimes, an internal breakthrough matters. You mentioned seeing T as an imperfect human, that's a positive observation.

Not sure why the mention of how can you seduce anyone?

It's good to see qualities you'd desire in a mate. Getting that conflict resolved could help in life.

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Sometimes, an internal breakthrough matters. You mentioned seeing T as an imperfect human, that's a positive observation.

Not sure why the mention of how can you seduce anyone?

It's good to see qualities you'd desire in a mate. Getting that conflict resolved could help in life.

Thanks! Yeah I felt like this was my own personal breakthrough. Not that I'm magically "cured" now, but I thought I was funny such a ****** seeming session could be so productive for me.

[healingme4me]

Every little bit, does eventually adds up.

Speaking from a point of view of having been in and out of therapy since the age of nine/ten years old. More so in my thirties.

[granite1]

I often feel like a deer in headlights in therapy. small steps

[unaluna]

Its hard.

Hey, good to hear about your new insight. I'm so glad you have something to be positive about.

Couldn't help but laugh about the image though...I liked your creative use of symbolism.

[Lauliza]

I understand where you are coming from, the struggle to connect (for me it's with men only). Do you have a diagnosis of social anxiety? Even if you don't maybe the next step is asking your T to help you learn skills to connect with men (or just with people in general)? He may be able to really help you.