[Petra5ed]

Two years in and I need a hospital stay. I hope for a head on collision on my way to work. I hate living.

[MoxieDoxie]

I feel the same way Petra....two years of therapy and I am about to head into a crisis soon. I will not be able to handle giving up and leaving everything I know and leaving my home, which is my safety net, to move to a place I do not know. I am going to have an utter breakdown and I want just die before it comes.

[Petra5ed]

I'll try to wait for it to pass, etc. I can't afford a medical intervention. Must keep working. It's just my brain chemistry anyways. I blame my mother. I hate my mother. I am her.

[HazelGirl]

You are not her if you choose a different route. Medication can help you choose a different route, as can therapy (which doesn't fix brain chemistry) or inpatient treatment.

[Petra5ed]

I feel so so bad. Every day, day after day. I can only seem to vent it on this forum. I can't cry to people in my life. I pay a therapist to pretend to care, meanwhile none of my real family or friends cares. I've told them all I want to die and no one says a thing to me most days.

[guilloche]

(((Petra5ed)))

I'm sorry that things are hard right now. I hope you can let yourself believe that your therapist may REALLY CARE about you, and that other people in your life care as well.

And... if your family doesn't care, you know what? That says more about THEM then YOU. That maybe they're not very good, or kind, or worthwhile people (sorry, I hope that's not making things worse) - because YOU ARE WORTH CARING ABOUT.

It's like this... let's say you offer me a diamond worth a million dollars, and I say, "eh, no thanks, i don't really care for those colorless rocks". Does that make the diamond less valuable? Nope, it just proves that I'm an idiot!

You are worth caring about Petra5ed. You're a kind, supportive, good, smart, valuable person.

Have you talked to your therapist yet about this? Is it a sudden thing? Hang in there, and please be careful... I'd be incredibly sad if something happened to you...

(((Petra5ed))) - lots of warm gentle hugs!

[lifetimemeds]

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

I feel so so bad. Every day, day after day. I can only seem to vent it on this forum. I can't cry to people in my life. I pay a therapist to pretend to care, meanwhile none of my real family or friends cares. I've told them all I want to die and no one says a thing to me most days.

I have the same experience with my family. I think they just don't know what to say or do. For years my family never knew when I was hospitalized. I found them profoundly clueless and totally unsupportive. They seemed to walk on eggshells around me, afraid they might say the wrong thing and push me over the edge. Don't think they don't care. They usually do but don't know how to be supportive. I also think some of my family didn't want to even think about mental illness in the family. Oh what shame. LOL. I just let them stay ignorant about my problems. After many secret hospitalizations my T convinced me to allow her talk on the phone with one family member. It was effort to get my family involved and supportive. It didn't accomplish the goal but my T did tell me that the family had no idea I had been hospitalized ever and 10 times in 3 years just blew them away. So you are not unique in that situation. Many friends and family just don't know what to do or say.

Also, some are not supportive because they are afraid they might be asked to get involved--like family group therapy. And they are not at the place in their lives to address their own demons. Or they are afraid your problems will stir up their own internal chaos.