[Yearning0723]

It’s weird. It seems like T is the only person in my life who actually thinks it’s okay for me to not be perfect and have off days sometimes. Like yesterday, I was having a really bad day because of a fight with a friend and I was going up to see my parents and my brother and I was pretty grumpy. My brother was also pretty grumpy and he was really rude to me for the entire 3+ hours that I was with him. I am usually super patient with my brother because I know he has Asperger’s and he’s only 17 (well, I’m only 19, but still, he’s littler than me), but finally when I was about to drive him home he was saying some really nasty things to me and I just lost it and I told him that if he didn’t stop being rude to me, I was going to kick him out of the car and he could walk home. (We were in my father’s driveway and hadn’t left yet; my father’s house is about a twenty minute walk from my mother’s house, which is where he was going, and it wasn’t very cold outside.)

So he got really mad and was like, “Fine, I’ll just walk then,” and got out of the car and left. And I figured whatever, it was his own choice to walk; if he wanted to, he could have just stopped being rude to me and I would have driven him, or he could have gone into the house and asked my father or stepmother for a ride, or he could have called my mother and asked her to pick him up. Instead he decided to walk and I figured it wouldn’t kill him; I should have handled the situation better, but I was having a crappy day and was really tired of his attitude, and sometimes I make mistakes. (The best thing to do obviously would have been to say, “It sounds like you’re really upset because of x. I know that you’re really frustrated right now, but I want you to think about how I feel after I drove for an hour and a half to come get you and you are saying some really hurtful things to me.” That’s how I usually would have dealt with the situation, but I just ran out of patience…)

When I got home, I felt pretty bad about how I acted, so I called him to apologize, and he hung up the phone on me. Twice. Then I called my mother, who screamed at me about how I “abandoned” him and how she is so “appalled” at me and this is her proof that I know nothing about my brother, nothing about Asperger’s, and she wouldn’t be surprised if he never speaks to me again. I tried explaining my side of the story to her, that I didn’t abandon him; I gave him a choice between being polite to me and me driving him home or him walking home, and it wasn’t far, and he is 17 years old, and he could have asked my father or stepmother for a ride and they would have happily driven him, but it didn’t seem to occur to my mother that I might have potentially valid feelings and reasons for behaving that way and that maybe my brother hadn’t given her the whole story. This is pretty typical.

Finally I just lost it on her too and I told her it was her fault he was so rude to me because she doesn’t have any expectations for him and just lets him do whatever he wants and expects everyone else to accommodate him, and me letting him walk home was not so bad and she had done way worse to me when I was way younger than he is now. She got mad at me and hung up the phone. But I was really annoyed at how hypocritical she was being, since I remember very clearly when I was ten years old and didn’t want to go to Hebrew school one time, she locked me out of the house for two hours when the temperature was below zero, it was snowing, and I didn’t have a hat or gloves or winter boots. When I was ten. And she didn’t see anything wrong with THAT but sees a huge thing wrong with this. It just makes me crazy how she has always seen my brother as the baby she needs to protect and me as a grown up robot with no valid feelings or reasons for behaving the way I do.

And when I told this to T, she was very understanding and she didn’t think I really did anything wrong (although she understood that I have the ability to act better, but she mostly just said I am usually super patient with him and I was just having an off day and I should have some compassion for myself). She actually thought it was pretty reasonable that I didn’t want to be in the car with someone who had been rude to me all day and she thought my mother’s reaction was pretty out of line. And…it was nice. I still feel pretty guilty about the way I reacted to my brother, but it was nice to have T on my side. I just wish she wasn’t the ONLY one on my side.

[AustenFan]

I agree that you didn't do a thing wrong, and acted fine. Your reaction was human, and you stood up for yourself, which is great. You didn't abandon your brother, he was at his father's house! He was fine. I think it's more helpful to him in the long run to not put up with rude behavior from him. Sorry your mother didn't see it that way. Clearly she doesn't have a good baseline in the first place so it's no wonder she found the situation wrong.

Would you mind telling us how Amy/Amelia is doing??

I really identify with the title of your thread. My mom never treated me as if I had real feelings or was a real person. The kind of scenario you describe could have happened to me, my feelings were never important, I never mattered, which is how I see the way you were treated by your mom in your mom. It is horrible to be treated this way by your mom, the one person to whom you should really matter. I'm a mom now and I would never ever treat my kids like that. Sounds like you have a good T.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by AustenFan

I agree that you didn't do a thing wrong, and acted fine. Your reaction was human, and you stood up for yourself, which is great. You didn't abandon your brother, he was at his father's house! He was fine. I think it's more helpful to him in the long run to not put up with rude behavior from him. Sorry your mother didn't see it that way. Clearly she doesn't have a good baseline in the first place so it's no wonder she found the situation wrong.

Would you mind telling us how Amy/Amelia is doing??

Amelia is doing okay. I spoke to her this morning and she's hanging in there.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by Brown Owl

I really identify with the title of your thread. My mom never treated me as if I had real feelings or was a real person. The kind of scenario you describe could have happened to me, my feelings were never important, I never mattered, which is how I see the way you were treated by your mom in your mom. It is horrible to be treated this way by your mom, the one person to whom you should really matter. I'm a mom now and I would never ever treat my kids like that. Sounds like you have a good T.

I'm sorry you had to go through that too.

[Bill3]

I agree with your T.

I think that you did well to set boundaries with your brother.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by Bill3

I agree with your T.

I think that you did well to set boundaries with your brother.

The setting boundaries thing was okay...but I could have gone about it in a better way...but I was having an off day and everyone has those sometimes and it's just human.

[HazelGirl]

Your reaction to your brother wasn't wrong. Could it maybe have been said more kindly? Yes. But he was being rude to you, too, so it seems fair that he would have received the same thing in return. Your mother sounds like a terrible person. I am sorry.

[PeeJay]

Wow. No wonder you're in therapy with a mom who takes sides against you with your brother. She shouldn't even get involved. This wasn't her fight. It was between your brother and you and you have a right to stick up for yourself.

Asperger's isn't an excuse to be rude to someone doing a favor.

My therapist seemed like the first person in my life to acknowledge that I could feel grief over loss. When my parents died, everyone in my life acted like I was a huge burden who should be grateful for their care. Which is true - I was a financial burden.

But no one in my family during that time acknowledged that maybe I was a very hurt and scared girl who was very sad over losing her parents. If it weren't for therapy, I wouldn't even have been able to type that sentence.

It sounds like your therapist is helping you to at least see the kind of treatment you deserve, which is great progress. It still sucks to be held to non-human standards, though.