I did not talk about it with T today...but I came really, really close...progress?

I didn’t tell her about the hotline thing. But I told her about how my mother always accused me of lying and manipulating and making up stories for attention when I was little, and when I started seeing a therapist when I was eight, my mother terminated that relationship pretty quickly because I was lying to the therapist and trying to manipulate her. (She determined this because the therapist told her that I was a pretty normal eight year old with high levels of anxiety due to having a younger brother with autism who needed a lot of attention and because my parents were always putting me in the middle of their acrimonious divorce, and she suggested they stop doing that.)

And I told her that I used to lie a lot to therapists or teachers to get attention. There was this one teacher I had when I was about fifteen who I wished could be my mother. She has a little girl who was six years old and I was so jealous of this kid. This teacher would ask me every day if I’d eaten something, and after observing her reaction one day when I said I hadn’t, I decided that I was going to tell her every day that I hadn’t eaten even if I had because if I said I hadn’t, she would worry about me and fuss over me and find me something to eat. I did the exact thing later on with ED T; I would tell her I wasn’t eating properly even when I was just because I wanted love and care from her. And with the T I had when I was thirteen, at some point I realized that telling her the real things my mother and stepfather did to me wasn’t gratifying enough; eventually I ran out of really bad stories I felt like telling, so I just started making stuff up. I did the same thing with lots of other teachers throughout my life, and sometimes even with friends.

And T didn’t judge me for those things. She said that I must have been in a lot of pain and had a really deep longing to feel that I needed to resort to stuff like that to get love, and she feels really sad for that kid. And I actually feel sad for that kid too because I remember how alone and sad I felt and how desperate I was every time I would tell Ms. Fisher that I hadn’t slept at all the night before because of nightmares (absolutely not true), how desperate I was for her to notice me and pay me any attention at all, and tell me she cared about me. No one ever told me that when I wasn’t making things up. So I do feel sad for that fifteen year old. I just don’t feel sad for this nineteen year old who does the same thing on hotlines with people she doesn’t know and tells way worse stories than that. Well, maybe I will tell T about this next time…I will try to work up the courage.

She and I also talked a bit today about feelings. This started because I was telling her something that I guess made her sad, because she kept looking at me with this really sad face (she does that a lot), but today I didn’t have much patience for it and I was in a weird mood and I just burst out laughing after she’d done it a few times. She got confused that I was laughing while talking about something really upsetting, and I said it was just that it felt like she was trying to show me how I should be feeling in this situation because I was talking about it like it was no big deal and she was just giving me this really sad look. And she was sort of confused and she was like, “No, I’m just sad. I’m not consciously trying to look a certain way; I just sometimes get sad in sessions when you tell me stuff like this.” That felt…odd.

And I was trying to decide whether it was because I thought her “sadness” wasn’t genuine, and I decided that wasn’t it. And then I thought maybe it was because it was weird that she was acting sad when I wasn’t, and I think that was part of it, but I think also it’s because I am so used to hiding my sadness and I feel like it’s a “strong” thing to be able to do that, and the fact that it seemed like she was having a genuine emotional reaction to what I was telling her seemed…weak. Or immature. (Me projecting my own stuff, obviously.) And it just felt…uncomfortable. She really wasn’t trying to mirror anything for me; she was just really feeling sad. And I wasn’t. And it was MY story.

She is also amused when I think she is trying to manipulate me or play some sort of therapist trick…she thinks therapists don’t have tricks. Former T absolutely DID have tricks, but I was telling her about the T I had when I was eight and how she would make me play this board game that was literally called “The Feelings Game” and every time you got to a square it would have an emotion on it and you would have to say a time when you felt that emotion, and even at age eight I felt so manipulated because I knew the point was to get me to talk about my feelings, but I didn’t understand why the T didn’t just ask me about my feelings.

T thought that was an interesting interpretation. I suppose some people just don’t think in terms of “manipulation.”

I feel like I want another session with T to continue this conversation. I am feeling pretty triggered for some reason. Also, my problem again – I have coping mechanisms I could use to deal with my feelings right now. I just don’t feel like using them. Because telling T things that make her feel sad for me is gratifying. More gratifying than doing mindfulness or reading a book or taking a walk would be. This is my whole problem.

This is real progress. You did well to explore these past experiences with your current T, who is clearly engaged and open-minded and likely would be receptive to hearing how you recently approached a crisis line.

Personally I'm working on a topic to tell my T, how she scared me by reminding me of someone in my past. (Nothing she did, just her appearance and then turns out she'd lived once in the same city where my incident occurred although at a different time. Ick ick) But she's already disappointed with me for a much smaller reticence on my part. I mentioned last week that she annoyed me months ago in a chance remark of hers, and she was clearly upset I hadn't expressed my feelings at that time. I felt like s*** leaving that session.

All this is to say you have a really good T who apparently isn't counter transferred or arrogant or anything else that would close doors to your progress. So good luck in your future sessions, wherever they take you. You seem really smart and brave in all this.

I do have a really good T, and she is literally the least arrogant person I have ever met in my life. I actually felt bad about the whole looking at me with her super sad face thing, because I really didn't want to seem like I was being critical of her or insulting her facial expressions(!)...and she was like, "No, thanks for telling me! It's not something I do on purpose, so I just didn't realize that was affecting you. Let's talk about it."

That was a good response. My former T probably would have gotten very defensive and been like, "Why are you attacking my facial expressions? Are you angry at someone and taking it out on me?"

Maybe I will email T and ask her if I can have another session tomorrow...we had originally booked for Monday, but the thoughts just won't go away and I don't know if I will be productive at all this weekend if I just let it stew in my mind.

That sounds like a really good idea.

Also, yes that is huge progress

Great idea! I think you are making great progress and you should be proud of that. I have similar experiences and I couldn't imagine tell anyone about it.

Good for you!

T said we could have another appt tomorrow.

Yay! Happy for you Hope it goes well