Overwhelming drive to say **** it and go back to old ways

Ladies and gentlemen of PC, I am drunk.

Not terribly, just pleasantly tipsy on half a bottle of wine. We Europeans drink much more than you Americans on average so believe me, half a bottle of wine is nothing to somebody who could easily nail two bottles a night, and a few shots just for fun, during my partying heyday which was until quite recently. Last year or so.

I feel SO GREAT with a drink. I have struggled and churned over suicidal thoughts all ****ing week, insomniac at night and dozing my days away, alternating between crying my lamps out and lying staring at the wall like a comatose sheep - and now after two glasses of merlot I am cheerful and upbeat. I am also pleasantly drowsy and know I'll actually sleep properly tonight.

I feel like maybe the right decision is to stop aiming impossibly high at wholesome, good, mental health and go back to my old ways pre-therapy. I want to start drinking like a fish again, I want to go dancing and being reckless with my safety for the sheer excitement and fun and thrill of it.

I want to start having ****ed up extreme sex again, embracing my masochistic streak and flaunting it with all the other dirty pretty creatures in London's fetish scene again - because at least I used to feel alive with exunerance and pleasure sometimes, instead of constant numbness or grinding, exhausting agony. I might be making healthier choices these days...but for what? I'm more miserable, if anything

I don't know what I'm asking. I suppose something along the lines of, are some people too broken to ever be able to follow a conventionally healthy path? Is wholesome love beyond me? Is it a fool's game to bother being careful with myself in the hopes that I'm actually worth saving? Would I be better off just going back to being heedless and chasing exciting experiences and forgetting about loving relationships?

You can get better. You're in the hard part right now. And yeah, fixing the **** of the past is f'ing hard work. But eventually, at some point in the future, it does improve. And you won't have to die of liver failure or worse.

We are all broken, once one accepts that, the world looks different.
Broken is normal.
Be you. **** the rest. It will fall in to place

I probably wouldn't die of liver failure, in fairness. Though should not be really touching a drop on these new meds, but I have a tough liver and I don't care anyway. I need respite from the constant pain, and right now it's in a bottle.

I've just had a shower. Amazing. I couldn't do that all day, could not get out of bed, and now I've just washed and feel better, courtesy of the wine. Made it easier to actually do something.

*Fist bump*

Yeah, it's not so bad to be broken, maybe.

I know sometimes it feels so much better to go back , regress , drinking ****ing around , that sense of freedom. It gives you instant gratification and results. You see fake progress immediately . I been drinking lately myself ,holidays are horrible , I average no more than 3 hrs of sleep a nite for two weeks already. I understand how you feel, but are you willing to take this dangerous ride?

Hey Indestructiblegirl I completely understand where you're coming from I think we all can it is human nature to want to lose yourself in a night of passion and excitement. Throw caution to the wind and do what you want to do. I think it is kinda biological but if it is going to wind up making you feel worse you should probably refrain. If not I think it is nice to blow off a little steam once and a while as long as it doesn't go too far to where it becomes unhealthy. Now on to the point I really want to address you are not messed up you are perfectly fine you seem intelligent and friendly. Everyone one is deserving of love you might not think you will find it but you will there will come a guy or girl who will understand you and love you unconditionally. Don't get so down on yourself you're only human. I wish I could say something better to make you feel better but I'm not Shakespeare or anything. Love will find you and of course you deserve to be happy.

How are you feeling today?

I agree that we seem to drink more over here in the UK, getting drunk is what we do when we socialise, and Sunday mornings are spent talking about how drunk you were the night before. I knew someone who moved to New York and he was so surprised that the New Yorkers treated him like an alcoholic, going out and getting drunk after work was normal to him.

Hope you're feeling ok.

No sleep is horrendous, I hope you start getting some more rest Sweepy

I don't know if I want to hop on the dangerous ride or not. I just need to shake things up a bit, and have SOME small pleasures in life now when they are extremely thin on the ground - so am going to stick with wine for now. I had cut down to maybe drinking with friends once every two weeks, but I'm going to enjoy a glass whenever I feel like it for now.

Thank you It really isn't romantic love I'm after, I don't think. It's the concept of family, or something. Not sure.

I may indulge myself in some festive sexual freedom to feel less alone and a bit more Christmassy. Though that has not gone well for me in the past - think sex on a frozen beach on Christmas Day at midnight with a random off the internet. Never again. I stopped half way through and made him drive me home. It has to be the right person for a no strings fling.

Don't know? But thank you for asking!

Thank you. Yes I definitely want to always keep an eye on my alcohol intake, and could never keep up with what I used to drink as a student. It definitely is far more culturally acceptable here than elsewhere to be far too pissed. As a control freak I have no desire to get totally sloshed.

Being broken is awesome

I think it's the holidays, they make me want to be **** faced, and I wish I could join you right now. The problem with drinking and drugs is they wear off and you develop tolerances.

You are doing well to have made the progress that you have for the past year. Yes, there are hard times. It seems to me that when you get sober, you remember what it was that drove you to drink! Keep at it though. You know that one night it's half a bottle. Next week its back to both bottles, for starters! Just a message of support. There is life after booze.