[WhisperingSoul]

So my husband and I were having issues and we decided to seek marriage counseling. I found a young intern who was male and was only a couple of miles from our house. It was perfect, the only bad thing was he didn't take insurance, but I was willing to overlook that because my husband and I both really liked him.

Fast forward 5 months and now we have stopped marriage counseling although he says he is there for "check-ins". We had agreed that he would be my individual ONCE we were DONE with marriage counseling so there was no conflict of interest. We had an appt set up and everything so we could start individual. Then unfortunately my husband and I had a really big fight and we decided to not stop the marriage counseling yet and to just hold off on individual. My current T didn't want me to wait on the individual stuff so he had me start seeing a woman in the same practice (this is a very small team). I told him I felt awkward about the situation because they were friends, worked in the same practice and if I didn't like her it would be awkward. He said it wouldn't hurt their feelings as they are trained for that. I reluctantly said yes as I felt so much pressure to see her from all sides.

A month went by and we never did see him about the fight my hubby and I had so I told him to forget about the marriage counseling as he didn't even see us for the fight anyway. After seeing the woman T 3 times I noticed I was not making a connection so I told him that I would prefer, if like we ORIGINALLY discussed, he could be my individual T. Of course I would terminate the marriage counseling so again, there would be no conflict of interest. I really like the woman T too, she is so sweet, but I just wasn't connecting. He said he just had to ask his supervisor first. While waiting for a response I had a miscarriage and was having anxiety from the abuse/rape that I went through so I wrote him an emailing saying what had happened.

Well today he called me to "check-in" on me and after "checking-in" drops a huge bomb on me. "My supervisor said no, I'm sorry"....I don't get it? So first they say yes and now its no? I didn't even get a freaking reason other than "its not a good idea she says"...why ? I'm not doing marriage counseling with him anymore?

I can't believe that I finally have someone I trust and that I think can help me through a horrendous trauma and I can't even PAY them to help me. I must be so unlikable that I can't even pay another human being to pretend to care......

Edit: Thank you everyone for your responses, they made me feel better. I see now that it wasn't his fault, there was nothing he could do as he is just an intern there and he has a boss. He even explained that if it was his own practice he would, but I was so upset I didn't listen when he tried to comfort me. This is my first therapy experience and I am just scared I guess. I found someone that made me feel safe and it was ripped away, its just hard and very confusing.

[ScarletPimpernel]

It wasn't your T's decision. It was his supervisor's. And it was probably for ethical reasons. Probably because you and your husband couldn't firmly decided to quit couples counseling or not. So it would be unfair to your husband and you if you two change your minds yet again.

[JustShakey]

I know it sucks WS, but as someone who has continued with a former couples' counselor as an individual counselor I think it really might be best for your relationship of you have your own T who is just yours. Things have worked out well for me with my T but my marriage is over. There's a lot of room there for jealousy and guilt...

[gayleggg]

I used to work in a counseling office and can see the supervisor's point of view. It is hard for a counselor to switch from marriage to individual(with only one partner) or from individual to marriage counseling. My counselor told me the other day that he could not do any marriage counseling for my husband and I because he would already feel like he was more on my side.

I would just look for someone else and not take it personally. He has to do what his supervisor says and he may have spoken out of turn when he first said that you could continue individual with him. I know it's hard to find someone you can relate to, but I think you will be better off in the long run.

Good luck. It sounds like you have been through a lot. I hope you find someone soon.

I was surprised to read that he even said "yes" the first time, for the very reason that you experienced: couples counseling could be needed again. Because he's an intern, he might not have known the implications until you called back to see him again for couple's counseling. It's too bad he didn't make this clear with you.

I have a friend who asked her therapist to continue with individual therapy after couple's counseling ended. Her therapist said no. Five years later, she asked again and the therapist said it would be okay as long as both parties agreed.

[WhisperingSoul]

Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel

It wasn't your T's decision. It was his supervisor's. And it was probably for ethical reasons. Probably because you and your husband couldn't firmly decided to quit couples counseling or not. So it would be unfair to your husband and you if you two change your minds yet again.

I guess you are right, I am new to all of this (first timer). Your response helped, thank you.

[WhisperingSoul]

Originally Posted by gayleggg

I used to work in a counseling office and can see the supervisor's point of view. It is hard for a counselor to switch from marriage to individual(with only one partner) or from individual to marriage counseling. My counselor told me the other day that he could not do any marriage counseling for my husband and I because he would already feel like he was more on my side.

I would just look for someone else and not take it personally. He has to do what his supervisor says and he may have spoken out of turn when he first said that you could continue individual with him. I know it's hard to find someone you can relate to, but I think you will be better off in the long run.

Good luck. It sounds like you have been through a lot. I hope you find someone soon.

Thank you, your reply helped a lot.

[WhisperingSoul]

Originally Posted by licketysplit

I was surprised to read that he even said "yes" the first time, for the very reason that you experienced: couples counseling could be needed again. Because he's an intern, he might not have known the implications until you called back to see him again for couple's counseling. It's too bad he didn't make this clear with you.

I have a friend who asked her therapist to continue with individual therapy after couple's counseling ended. Her therapist said no. Five years later, she asked again and the therapist said it would be okay as long as both parties agreed.

You guys all made me feel better. I was just emotional, having the miscarriage, hearing this news, finally connecting with someone I could share the abuse/rape with. It just all hit at once I suppose. You guys are right though, he probably tried and just couldn't. It just felt so low in the moment.

[WhisperingSoul]

Originally Posted by JustShakey

I know it sucks WS, but as someone who has continued with a former couples' counselor as an individual counselor I think it really might be best for your relationship of you have your own T who is just yours. Things have worked out well for me with my T but my marriage is over. There's a lot of room there for jealousy and guilt...

Thank you Shakey, I understand.