Therapy Can't Help Me - I Am Not Rational

Hey Unguy,

I really want to impart some wisdom a grand aha moment but you know what there is none people get stereotyped everyday put into one box or another, loose jobs because of the colour of their skin the lilt of an accent people can be horrible to what is an unknown and homosexualality is an unknown for a lot of people.

But you don't need to be driven by other peoples views and opinions they ask about your 'partner' you have the choice to say "I'm not in a relationship right now" "I would prefer not to talk about" "He and I split x months ago" YOU are in control not the other way, you choose who you disclose to, who is in your circle of friends!

As you can see there is so much support for you from just this thread there will be more than one other person in your community who feels exactly the same, it took me a couple of years to see it was not the fact that I was gay that was ending friendships it was me fore fulling the belief that everyone hated homosexual people and I pushed everyone away cause it was a great excuse to not actually look at myself but blame the world!

I hope you find yourself and whatever it is that you need to keep going because you are important, loved, needed just as you are, all the parts of you.

Do you even read what I write?

I said this:

in response to when you said this:

You said that you know what you enjoy. So I said to focus on that. I said word for word to not join the particular gay community that you don't like. You seem to be thinking that I said to partake in the gay community, when I did not.

In the future, please read what people are saying to you more carefully. You have been responding rudely to me and with hostility more than once in this thread, when all I have been trying to do is give you a different perspective. Frankly, with the way that you have been treating me and the way which you respond to others? If that is how you respond in person as well as online, then it's almost surely one of the major contributing factors to why you feel miserable with your life.

Meaningless sex, drugs, partying, rejection based on appearance...sounds like college. For some. For others, they find their tribe, so to speak, but they don't stay away from college because of the social hazards.

I hope you can let go of the toxic feelings you have about yourself and others, and find some peace.

There is no particular part of the gay community that I want to be a part of. I don't want to be a part of any gay community.

I don't want to be gay anymore - it's awful and always was. I need a cure. I can't stand the innuendos, e.g., "I never told you to join the particular gay community that you don't like" implies that there is a part of the LGBT community that I would like but maybe haven't found. I can assure you that I want no part of that community whatsoever that I'd belong to. There are no "yes buts" either. There is just a knowing that being gay is "not for me." It's a total frustrating no-win situation. I'm miserable regardless of whether I try to fit into the community or not. At this point in my life it's "no mas."

I don't know why people are making suggestions to help me try to live a gay life. I've made it clear - it's not for me. I have met the worst people. I have tried many forms of therapy. I cannot adapt. I cannot deal with the prejudice both within and outside of the LGBT community.

I will be ending therapy on Monday and will never return. If there is no cure then it's best to give up on my life and to stop trying. Trying is just another source of misery.

Nope I never said that you should look for a different gay community - but I also disagree with your blanket assumptions about everyone who belongs to the gay community, so I distinguished it by referring to the particular one you've experienced.

I was only saying to focus on what you do enjoy. Because you said that you know what you do and do not enjoy.

Like other people have said: what on earth are you wanting on this thread? Just to complain? If so, let us know please so that you won't have people attempting to help and support you when you don't want that.

I can't speak for others, but it's hard to see you hate yourself so violently. If you perceive suggestions as wanting you to live a gay life, I see them wanting you to live a good life and not be so hateful towards yourself (and, from what I see, projecting that onto others).

I haven't met your parents, obviously, but from what you describe of them, it's as though they are writing your posts for you.

Again, I hope you find peace. Don't let this destroy you.

The evil introject. Its hard to know what our own mind is when the parental voice has been so negative and so freaking overwhelming. Its their own self hate plus their simultaneous envy of and disappointment in their child.

What was the book from last year or so that everybody here went and buried in their backyard and yelled at me for recommending? Something like "the emotionally absent mother". That and "running on empty" by jonice webb. Both helped me. Also books by peter giovacchini - i brought these to my t, it was like translating my life from italian-english to american-english, like somebody finally got it.

I probably recommended these before, but you never answered stopdog's question yesterday of what are you looking for here. Of course, if you knew, you wouldnt have to ask, would you?!

The title of this thread says it all - I am not rational. I am well aware of it. Life is not rational so why should I be?

My parents left me with an non-healing, festering wound. Love does not feel good. They didn't like me and I never learned to bond with others. They were critical and neglectful. When I repeated their critical behavior they corrected me and it only made me confused. T's keep trying to "help me" but I keep getting unwelcome responses in the community. I am not capable of love / sex at first sight / meeting. It's hurtful because there is no interest in getting to know me first. Raised without toys, I never learned hot to play with others. I still don't know how. I guess I need love so sex is not playtime; for me it's serious work. What other people are well schooled in, I have had no education in or positive experiences to learn from. I think I hate to be hit on because deep down I really want to be asexual. It's doubly frustrating, I'm a gay man who wants to be straight because I can't find happiness in what I truly want - asexuality. Being gay is very complex and I cannot deal with it. It's much more complex than hetero sex - you need to negotiate who is the top and who is the bottom, and that can change from day to day or not at all depending on what you like to do. There are also a host of unsafe practices which I avoid but have found a lot of people like to do. I don't understand this unhealthy behavior; my T agrees that there are lots of self-destructive people in the community.

I never asked to be gay. No one did. With my issues it may not be possible to come to terms with it because I don't enjoy physical contact. There is so little that I enjoy and most of those things I can no longer partake in because of physical injuries. I may be prone to injury because I'm always tightly wound due to excessive anxiety that tightens my muscles and the fact that I am a shallow breather. My body is also not strong because as a child I was not fed well, e.g., I did not eat breakfast because mom did not think it was a necessary meal.

I'm working on a self-help book now. They are always difficult reading. I recently became aware of the Jonice Webb book and will get it in the coming months.

No. I am not my parents. I have tried and tried. However, the damage they did me goes deeper than sexual orientation. I know that I need love but there is no joy in it. I really dislike going on dates and have touch / intimacy issues. I need things to be easier - that's why I feel that I have to be heterosexual so that acceptance is easier. I have been subjected to a lot of mistreatment at a succession of jobs and volunteer positions. I no longer volunteer. I was placed on SSDI because I now suffer from CPTSD. Do you know how many T's I saw before that was even diagnosed? My current T seems to think that if I make progress in the LGBT community then the CPTSD will eventually heal. We are at a stalemate because I've been so hurt by that community that I will not return. Of course, I don't fit in with the straight community either. I have nothing to discuss with anyone - I work and go home to be alone and do nothing. That's my comfort zone because that's how I spend my childhood - alone with no toys. I listen to music, read or watch TV. It's very lonely but trying to spend time with others in a world that I don't understand stresses me out now. Years ago I used to try. There was very little success and it proved fleeting. All I know now is that when I try to go out, all I feel is sad and it's difficult if not impossible to disguise. I fit in no where.

A lot of the suggestions were rational but, as the title says, I am not. I am running on my emotions. I can't keep them locked up forever. I don't believe any longer that therapy can help me. I am trying to decide if I can tolerate /accept a life where I am always angry and bitter and lonely and unfulfilled. I guess at this point in my life that that is the best that I can be.

But you see, you don't have to be lonely and angry and bitter and unfullfilled. Giving up means that you will be. But it is possible.

What things do you enjoy? You said that you know what you do and do not enjoy. So what are those. What other things would you like to enjoy outside of a relationship?

All the anger and bitterness doesn't do anything for you. It keeps you isolated and it maintains all the negative things.

I guess I am confused with your sexual desires - you're gay, but the idea of gay sex isn't appealing to you, you want to be asexual but you find the idea of celibacy to be insulting.

I am closing this thread while the team discusses it.