Getting back in touch with a former Therapist

I have not, and I don't know when I will send it (if I send it at all).

Like JaneTennison said, the 2 year "rule" is the technical one in the ethical code, but her rules are likely different. All that rule means us a T won't face discipline if they do become friends. In reality however, personal relationships with ex clients are generally frowned upon among MH professionals.

Very True and as I have said before it is never too late to get back in touch for instance I may decide to wait longer before getting back in touch (I really have no timetable as of right now), it could be years down the road (although I really don't see that at this time) before we get back in touch and it will never be too late.

I still do wonder if some of her friends on Facebook includes some ex-clients just based on the sheer number (she has close to 400 Facebook Friends), but as my current Therapist told me she could be someone who just friends random people (like myself which is why I have around 600).

I would find it very unlikely that an ethical therapist would friend random people (or anyone they do not know) on Facebook. It's very likely that the person sending the request could be a client (or friend of a client, or a client posing as someone else)-- and most T's would avoid that. 400 friends is not a particularly high number for a working professional who probably has colleagues, friends, family, and former school aquaintances from each degree & city they lived in. If you're dead set on messaging your former T on facebook, then send a message--- but I would not send a friend request. It's just poor form for a former client. The vast majority of Ts would find that to be a conflict of interest, and would deny the request and probably feel uncomfortable about it. I know my T has mentioned getting those kinds of requests from former clients and greatly dislikes it and always denies them.

Definitely something to consider, I was just saying that it was a possibility that some of her Facebook Friends might be ex-clients of hers, and my current Therapist brought up the possibility that some of those could be random people that she has added which is what I do (in fact I do it so much that I am part of groups that are dedicated to adding people). I think that if I do decide to contact her on Facebook it will be via a message (and than maybe she can give me a current e-mail address where I can contact her at).

I became friends with a former therapist and it was fine. As a friend, the ex-therapist was pretty much like any other person. There was no problem with me knowing she was not acting as a therapist or anything.

RTerroni, when someone who's not a facebook friend sends a message, it goes in the person's "other" folder and usually goes unnoticed. Just be prepared that if you send her a message and you don't hear back, it could be that she just doesn't see the message. Also, I won't accept messages from non-friends. She may have the same setting. Just fyi.

I'm sorry if you have answered this before, but has your ex T ever indicated to you that she is interested in staying connected now or in the future. I've heard of Ts and clients staying in touch after terminating if they have the desire. Not in a social friendship usually but through an occasional email or holiday card. In this instance nothing is going to happen if they don't wait a set amount of time.

If you contact her I would through a message, though she may not get it if her security is tight. As someone else noted, 400 friends is not abnormally high and an intelligent T is very unlikely to have any ex clients as FB friends. If you saw her once or twice and terminated that might not be an issue, but for a T you saw regularly it is. Social media is risky and just contact in that forum is just not smart. Just remember that so you are not hurt if you hear nothing back from her.

You can pay $1 though for it to go directly to their inbox.

I sort of see where you are going, that being said as see no reason in former Therapists and Clients being friends on Facebook if both of them want to.

Also with my previous Therapist I sort of left it open-ended in regards to contact after our sessions end.

I understand that, but you're evading the actual question which is: has your ex T ever stated she was interested in staying in contact? I ask because as you've acknowledged, this topic has been an ongoing preoccupation with you for some time. If you addressed this with her while you were her client and she told you she couldn't be friends, then you already know how she feels.

Well like I said earlier I sort of left things open-ended in regards to post- therapy contact

But it's not simply about "how you left it." It's also about how she left it. You've indicated that the relationship did not end smoothly. These are signs that argue against personal (not professional) contact.

As usual, the bigger question is the fixed nature of these hypothetical scenarios and what they mean for you, but you seem resistent to engaging that.

This is the part that makes me think that she is not willing to have personal contact. She did not say keep in touch. She spoke of the professional relationship.

Is this the therapist who said she did not want to hug you at the end of your last session? It sounds like she has very clear boundaries and discourages personal contact.

Yes it is

She has already given you the answer before you have officially asked...now you just have to accept it.

I'm not so sure about that

Have you emailed her yet? Just curious, it's not clear to me if you're waiting on a reply or still deciding. I have no prior experience, but I have a hunch that some therapists would and others wouldn't friend ex-clients.

On a side note my therapist is always mentioning friends, it sounds like he is just loaded up with buddies and I've always wondered where these people come from. In contrast it is very hard for me to make friends... I have some 200 FB "friends" and maybe 3 real life ones.

I asked you if she said she was open to contact, not how you left it. I'm not trying to be rude when I say this. I just wonder if answering the actual question - which is about what your ex T wants, not you - you'll be able to see this from another person's perspective.

I think we both sort of left it the same way.

For a long time, I thought this was all about your need to insist on out of session contact regardless of a therapist's feelings on it; but now I think you just want to know that the person you've been sharing your life with actually cares about you as a person. Your test for that is their willingness to be social with you outside of therapy. Is that close?

If so, then this may not be attainable in the way you're approaching it. How someone shows caring is defined by that person and no one else. As for therapists, it's really hard to know if they care, but even those who do care are not likely to be social with a client or former client.

Good idea to talk about this to the therapist you have now. See what they say, since they would know what is the best thing to do in cases like this. (just read that you've already discussed this with your therapist, ok).

Well you said she did not give you a professional or home email address and that Facebook is the only way you can contact her. Probably if you just send a message to her on Facebook that's ok but the friending thing, I don't know... I did befriend a former therapist on FB and stayed on her list for many years, but deleted her in the end because I thought it is probably not good to have an ex-therapist on FB... what I would do now and what I did back then is very different, if it was now I would not add a former therapist to Facebook, back then, it would have just seemed like a natural thing to do. Have I wanted to be friends with a therapist? Yes. I will admit that. Not gonna say that I've never wanted to be friends with a T, I understand liking a therapist and wanting them to be your friend. But I am realizing more now about boundaries and professionalism thanks to my recently ex-counsellor and also my case-worker who have told me about these things. It's hard though when you really respect someone and want to talk to them or want them to be your friend, in which case, you will ask them about friendship and boundary-crossing stuff because you feel so strongly about wanting to connect with them, and then you can hear them say what is and is not appropriate, it is better to ask in real life, but i know that you have not had this opportunity.
So, maybe your therapist would add you back, maybe she would not, it's all up to personalities/personal feelings about what they want to do with the friend request. Are you gonna be really upset if she does not add you back? Will it make you sort of bitter at her? things like that need to be considered too.
There's nothing wrong with writing to her though, to update on your life, again, whether or not she wants to update you on her life, will be up to her.

Anyway I would hope a good therapist would be able to handle any political/religious posts you write on your FB and not think that you had to block them from her. But it is nice that you are thinking of her feelings, to want to block them. I'm thinking that you think a lot of this therapist since you're going to the trouble of wanting to pay $1 for it to go to her inbox and thinking of which posts are suited to her tastes.

All I can tell you is, every person reacts differently and I can't give you a clear answer on what she will or won't do because the amount of difference of opinions on professional stuff is so varying from person to person, I've had professionals who tell me all about their life, some who won't, some who hug, some who won't, some who will talk about religion, some who say they won't tell me what they think about religion, some who will give their email address, some who won't, the list goes on! I have no idea. It never is clear-cut and a one-size-fits-all, all different opinions.

Tell us how it goes anyway