Crying in Therapy

It took my T quite awhile to get me to finally let up and cry. I knew she'd been trying. Now I can...and I feel ok about it. Usually when I cry she gets up and sits by me and she'll hold me and rub my back or play with my hair, and just whisper things. I myself find it very comforting, although some may not.

In the past four years of on again off again therapy with 4 different therapists, I have never cried. I think I teared up once a little...but anxiety has never allowed tears to flow in therapy... I have one or two times sobbed in my car on the way home.

If I were to cry it's either because I'm overtired or you gave me a cupcake and then knocked it out of my hand and stomped on it.

I make sure to wear mascara when going to therapy so the threat of a black streak running down my face looms over me lest I even consider starting with any of that funny business.

Yes to this. My T gets this sweet but ambiguous smile that could be saying, It's okay and you need this, or maybe, What an interesting specimen in this Petri dish.

I pulled out the last Kleenex from the box and said reflexively, Sorry I took the last one. She had the same wry smile and said, Its okay I have more.

I told her once something like, You need to stop me from crying and she said she wouldn't. Duh, I know she's not going to but still...Of course the fact I needed someone to "stop me" was a good insight. I needed/expected the parental threat of, I'll give you something to cry about.

At this juncture, I can't cry, even though my feelings warrant it. This is especially true in front of other people. Despite this, I do tear up when I see something on TV — could be a beloved character's death or commercials for the ASPCA & Humane Society — but I can't seem to fully let go.

I've definitely sobbed in the car on the way home a time or two... or out in the parking lot, or pulled over into an emptier section of a store's parking lot. I have the hardest time crying in front of anyone... When I did leave to cry in the car, I always hoped T would come out and find me crying and see it. Something maybe about not being able to be vulnerable in front of her, but really wishing I could find a way for it to be ok.

I wouldn't say I ever heard the threat: "I'll give you something to cry about", though I know I would "get in trouble" for crying... I wonder why I can't put those words to the threats around the crying. It was certainly implied.

Very rarely has my t acknowledged it when I cry, except perhaps when I saw her in person she'd unobtrusively move the keenex box closer to me. She's very accepting of it (and any other emotions I bring to my session) and a few times has said very quietly "awwwww" or something that sounded like that. I appreciate that a lot, that she doesn't make a big deal of it, doesn't try to overtly comfort me, because I cry very easily and sometimes crying is a necessary thing but still I don't like that about myself. The other day during my session I was crying tears of joy, which was pretty darn cool, we were talking about how much I enjoyed working at girl scout camp years ago giving swimming lessons to the campers, and when I told her I had decided to look into volunteering with girl scouts again, I was crying and I told her they were tears of joy for once and she was very happy for me. (I have since registered as an Adult girl scout again, submitted my background check info, completed an online volunteer training, and signed up to be notified when a volunteer opportunity is available.)

"I'll give you something to cry about" I heard that SO much growing up and was always in trouble worse for crying about it. Maybe that's why I hate that I cry so easily. It surprises me that I do cry so easily.