[CantExplain]

Hi kids! Here is the text of Madame T's letter:

Thank you for your letter. You have battles in your head with me and put polarised words in my mouth, which I do not relate to. Eg you say of me "You decided, against my protests, that what you were giving ought to be enough and therefore you would give no more."

I accept that you want to end the relationship with me. I do know that I have faults, however I did not say these words or decide this. You say it of me and believe it of me, but don't come to understand what I am actually saying.

I am glad that in your therapy you had some success with "Madame T". Good on you for achieving those things with her. I notice that the name "Madame T" makes her sound like a masochistic mistress, a bit like Cruella de Ville. Unfortunately, I think you see and experience her and me that way. It seems that she will be left like that without our being able to shift our relationship into a more settled and loving place. This makes me sad.

Naturally you define love your way and have stopped letting yourself feel my love for you, because it is not how you imagine it should be. This seems like an impassable impasse, although I hope it is not.

There is a novel called "The Rosie Project" by Graeme Simsion about a middle-aged autistic man's search for love. I loved it and loved him and thought you would enjoy it.

Warm regards,

[CantExplain]

The first question is: is she aware that she is Madame T?
It was an oversight on my part that she ever saw that name.

[phaset]

I think she is aware that she is "Madame T", but feels it is your concept of her. She did say that "she will be left like that without our being able to shift our relationship into a more settled and loving place", as in she wants you to see her as not being "Madame T".

Hmm, my therapist recommended the same book recently... Should I read it?

[Asiablue]

I think that's a really nice, heartfelt letter. She is giving you the opening to go back and resolve things.
How do you feel about it Can'tExplain?

[CantExplain]

I've only just heard of it, so I have no idea if it is any good. But she also recommended The Schopenhauer Cure, which I did not enjoy. It's just a fictionalised group therapy log.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

I think that's a really nice, heartfelt letter. She is giving you the opening to go back and resolve things.
How do you feel about it Can'tExplain?

This is as close to "Good bye. I love you." as I am ever going to get. So in that sense, it is the closure I waited for so long.

On the other hand, if I wanted to see her again, clearly she would not refuse.

My current plan is to close the file and see if I can find a more agreeable female counsellor. Mr T is going to recommend someone.

[CantExplain]

She points out that I have demonised her and I am still fighting with that demon. But isn't that how psychodynamic therapy is supposed to work? Isn't this the whole point behind the blank slate? If she wants me to see her more clearly, she needs to show herself more clearly.

[Petra5ed]

You know, she says she loves you... "You have stopped letting yourself feel my love for you, because it's not how you imagine it should be." She wants to work things out. I keep forgetting it was you who terminated and not the other way.

It reminds me of my therapy recently... Sadly. I wanted to "take a break" because its getting too painful. My T has never alluded to loving me either.... I'm not sure whose colder but I'm sure my therapist can never deliver what I want from him.

It's funny she says "Madame T" sounds like a masochistic mistress. Lol. It sounds like a dominatrix to me, more sado than maso.

[JaneTennison1]

I don't know any of the history of Madame T but I recently I wrote to my therapist and said

"I feel like all along we've been speaking different languages. You keep trying to show me care the way you know how and I just couldn't hear it.

I wonder if this applies? I tried to control how my therapist showed me care in order to feel in control of any pain or hurt I worry she'll cause me.

Glad you found closure.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

It's funny she says "Madame T" sounds like a masochistic mistress. Lol. It sounds like a dominatrix to me, more sado than maso.

I'm sure that's what she meant.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

You know, she says she loves you... "You have stopped letting yourself feel my love for you, because it's not how you imagine it should be." She wants to work things out. I keep forgetting it was you who terminated and not the other way.

I can see love in lots of people, including many on this forum.
But nobody here withholds their smile and only a few kick me when I am down.

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

I'm sure that's what she meant.

OR was it a Freudian slip? I would say so, haha. She's a therapist she should know masochism.

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

I can see love in lots of people, including many on this forum.
But nobody here withholds their smile and only a few kick me when I am down.

Yeah that's really weird. I don't know if I could do that. Did she explain that? It doesn't even sound like any technique I've ever heard of.

[Gavinandnikki]

Go back to her and work through it with her.

[growlycat]

The Rosie Project is a funny book, but honestly, you didn't come to mind when reading the book, for me anyways.

There are moments in the book where the male protagonist misses cues that Rosie feels warmly about him. Maybe Madame T meant that?

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

Yeah that's really weird. I don't know if I could do that. Did she explain that? It doesn't even sound like any technique I've ever heard of.

She was a school teacher before she was a therapist. It's a classroom control technique. My mother used it too.

Madame T justified it by saying that she feels a wider range of emotions when she doesn't smile.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Gavinandnikki

Go back to her and work through it with her.

That has occurred to me.

But how can therapy succeed when my trust and hope have both departed?
Also, I resent the fact that she gets paid whether there is any progress or not. She's the most expensive therapist I've ever been to.
How long must I waste my time and money on a relationship that has already failed?

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Gavinandnikki

Go back to her and work through it with her.

It takes two to make a relationship succeed. As I recall, she wasn't pulling her weight.

May I also point out that nothing in her letter constitutes an invitation. She herself say it looks like "an impassible impasse" - not something she would say lightly, since passing impasses is supposed to be her job.

[CantExplain]

Tell you what, I'll send her a postcard from Santorini.
"Having a lovely time. Wish you were here."

"This seems like an impassable impasse, although I hope it is not."

Looks like an opening to me.

Good for you on all fronts. You've got a lot of strength. I hope you find a way forward with this/out of this.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

It takes two to make a relationship succeed. As I recall, she wasn't pulling her weight.

May I also point out that nothing in her letter constitutes an invitation. She herself say it looks like "an impassible impasse" - not something she would say lightly, since passing impasses is supposed to be her job.

She wrote "This SEEMS like an impassable impasse, altho i hope it us not." To me, it is significant that she is referring to the book excerpt, and that she says she hopes it is not impassable. Why did you "forget" those things, or not see them as significant? I think i read that story excerpt before - to me, you left out the most important part - why the blind spot?? i would kill for a letter like this from one of my ts.

[unaluna]

Lickety - great minds think alike!!

[missbella]

I don't like her from her letter. She says the conflict is in your head, the words are from your mouth. She takes no responsibility. It seems she cares only to school you and correct your labeling her; I don't read the slightest interest in understanding your pain. I clearly see her need to power struggle and be RIGHT.

Therapists, at worst, can be exceedingly fragile. Some of them have MUST play superior and MUST preserve their self-images as healers and saviors, even to invalidating their client they pretend to help.

When I reached an impasse, nothing I could say could persuade my therapist to change his behavior or recognize his harm. I put great effort into "teaching," him, in breaking through his arrogance. It was like swinging my fist into a brick wall, and I eventually stopped hurting myself.

It's the therapist's responsibility to mend a rift. If the therapist has abandoned responsibility, I found nothing therapeutic in continuing the two-step. I think that's the bottom line. Does continuing contact help ME?

PS. If I were her English composition teacher, I'd give her a D+-C-. I think her wandering, evasive prose is strikingly clumsy writing for an educated professional.
PPS. I only mentally "critique" prose if I don't like the person otherwise. It's my quiet way to be snide.

Originally Posted by CantExplain

How long must I waste my time and money on a relationship that has already failed?

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by phaset

Hmm, my therapist recommended the same book recently... Should I read it?

I just started it on kindle. It is hilarious. I understand it better than perhaps i should!! If you enjoy sheldon cooper on big bang, then definitely.

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

She was a school teacher before she was a therapist. It's a classroom control technique. My mother used it too.

Madame T justified it by saying that she feels a wider range of emotions when she doesn't smile.

So is that the impasse? You want her to have facial expressions and she sometime in the middle of therapy decided she wouldn't do that anymore? If so I think that's really F'd up, and agree it's best to stay away.

I saw my T after recently telling him I wanted a break, one of the first things he asked me if there was anything he could change to make things easier for me. It should be your therapy, so I don't see how it matters if she can feel more with a straight face than smiling... and "classroom control" sounds demeaning, what are you 2 years old? Beyond that it would seem someone with Asperger's especially would benefit from a "normal" display of healthy emoting and connecting. Actually I think one of the biggest benefits to my therapy is modeling a healthy emotional attachment and connection, so smiling, eye contact, etc. are required components I would think. I cant imagine being anything other than devastated and hurt if my therapist suddenly stopped smiling at me for good. WTF.

I just hope you made very clear to her how hurtful this behavior was. It seems negligent for her to practice "therapy" this way. Her reasoning doesn't make it ok either. Sorry!