[musinglizzy]

First I'll just say I had a really bad week last week, for various reasons. To the point I only worked a day and a half all week, and made myself physically ill, and ended up at the doctor getting fluids yesterday. My T had asked me days prior if I could come in half an hour later. No problem. But the day of my session, she sent me a text about an hour before session time, said she may be a little late, but she would be there, and that I'd get to meet ***** (her daughter). Honestly, I've had no interest in meeting her daughter. I'm rather envious of her. (pathetic, I know). I think I just had the most awkward session so far, in 8 months of therapy. For four reasons.
1.it had been probably the most difficult of weeks for me since starting therapy
2. she was late
3. her teenage daughter was with her waiting in the waiting room while I had my session
4. she had to end the session early to get somewhere else.

At one point during my (shortened) session, she got up to say something to her daughter quickly. Of course she apologized, but it made me feel like I didn't have her focus 100%, because obviously she had to have thought about something beforehand to get up and talk to her. And, I just felt awkward knowing she was out there. I kept trying to get out of the session. Even when she got there, I kept saying "we don't have to do this, I can go," I just felt like she had such a crazy day, and was running herself ragged. I think the events surrounding my week just had me feeling even more uneasy....so it was just bad timing is all.

I've been beating myself up a bit for my feelings surrounding that session. My T is amazing.... and she has a life too. I think she knew I was pretty uncomfortable. And that makes me feel bad too.

[AustenFan]

I think your T really screwed up. First she changed the session time, then she was late for it, then she left early. Clearly she was not available and should have been honest about that. It was wrong for her to take your (or your insurance's) money for that appointment because it was cut short and she did not give you her full attention.

Telling you her daughter would be there and you could meet her was all kinds of wrong. It implied that you wanted to meet her; it implied that you felt her daughter was important to YOU; it showed off how much she values her daughter when I believe you've said she knows you are a bit jealous of her daughter; she had to have known you would feel awkward having an hour long session knowing this girl was just outside the door waiting; you knew her focus and attention wouldn't be on you but would be on 'cherished daughter'.

LEAVING the room to go talk to her daughter was just unbelievable. I'm shocked at that one. Clearly she was thinking about her daughter and whatever the two of them had going on at that moment, and not you. It was blatantly unfair and terribly unprofessional and I would think rather invalidating for you.

I know you like her but her boundaries are really bad. And I know bad boundaries can feel wonderful to clients and clients feel special and loved and all, but in the end, unless the T is prepared to begin a real friendship once therapy stops, the client gets left high, dry, and very, very hurt. I feel like YOU are fulfilling some need SHE has, and that is causing her to get so very personal and friendly and blur these boundaries so badly, and that's not fair to you.

Personally, as much as you like her, it sounds like it's not the healthiest fit for you.

[musinglizzy]

How could I be fulfilling some need she has? I guess I just can't imagine what she'd need from me. I said a couple times "we don't need to do this today," and both times she said she really wanted to see me. But, she also knew I was really having a tough week. Thanks for your input...it makes me not feel quite so guilty for feeling the way I do.

I think it sounds really unprofessional. Really, really unprofessional. Not to say she is a bad therapist, but she messed up. I am sorry.

[Ellahmae]

You shouldn't feel guilty at all. I think that whole session was very unprofessional of her and she should have cancelled instead of forcing it to happen. I would have been distraught.

[musinglizzy]

I guess I also feel guilty because she does text and Email in between sessions to check in....so she's more than made up for one shortened session.

Sounds like your T had a crazy day. Probably should have just cancelled, but did it this way in order to not have to cancel. Sounds like she was trying to do right by you by not cancelling despite her day; it just worked out poorly, probably for both of you. I wouldn't judge her on this one incident. Even T's miss the boat from time to time. Damned if she did; damned if she didn't . . .

[musinglizzy]

Thank you. I've been feeling pretty crummy and selfish....you all make me feel a bit better.

[Seeking_Peace]

Just wanted to add that this sounds wrong. I would be very upset if my T ever did anything like this.

[AustenFan]

I think she just likes you and perhaps views this too much as a friendship. You've said how much she talks about her daughter to you, and that's the sort of thing friends would do. People share the love and pride they feel in their kids with people they like and care about. She WANTS to share that personal stuff with you, which is not professional nor is it practicing good boundaries. She doesn't have to be a blank slate, I see nothing wrong with you knowing her daughter exists, but talking about her frequently and wanting to introduce you to her is just so beyond healthy that it's worrisome.

So I think the 'need' you fulfill in her is a need on her part for a friendly confidant or girlfriend of her own. Perhaps she doesn't have that in her personal life? Perhaps she sees all the qualities of a good friend in you and she is using your therapeutic relationship to give her a taste of friendship. Your therapy should be about you. It shouldn't be about her daughter or her love for her daughter or any other personal stuff on her part. The texting and emailing in between isn't necessarily bad, but you've said it's rather frequent. Is it therapy related or just casual chit chat?

My concern is that you will get hurt. My concern is that she will string you along in this
'therapeutic relationship' as long as she can to keep you as a 'friend' and to continue to enjoy her time with you and enjoy your personality which she clearly likes. My concern is that you may not get the healing you deserve and that you may start to censor yourself for fear of turning her off or losing her goodwill and high opinion of you. My concern is that when it ends you may lose both your therapist and a friend. And that will be so painful. It's hard enough when therapy ends, but when it's been both therapy AND friendship rolled into one, it's ten times harder.

She may be a great person and a great therapist, but she may not be the best therapist for YOU. YOU may be someone she just clicks with too much and likes too much and therefore actual therapy isn't the best fit.

But you definitely should not feel guilty for that session. You did nothing wrong and you were even kind enough to urge her, several times, to just cancel. (something that was kind, yes, but technically something you should not have worried about as you are paying for that time and you are the client (boss) and it's about YOU, not her, which is another thing to kind of worry about...your concern for her).

She messed up that time for sure. Whether or not you think she's messing up in other ways I've mentioned is for you to ponder. I know this is your first therapy adventure, so you don't know really what's right or wrong or normal or not normal, and there are huge variations anyway, but just keep in mind that therapy is supposed to end someday. Perhaps discuss with her how she pictures that. Ask NOW about whether or not she keeps in touch with former clients and how often that is and in what way. I don't know, I just think right now it feels special and loving but I worry about later on.

It's upsetting to me that she didn't listen to your repeated attempts to get out of this uncomfortable situation. So unprofessional of her. You have every right to be upset.

[ThisWayOut]

I'm sorry it was such an awkward session after a difficult week. I would be very bothered by the way it went down. I would also really be bothered by the potential breach in confidentiality with meeting her daughter. She has no obligation to maintain confidentiality, and kids rarely think of that stuff. she may have a directive not to speak about mom's clients, but from personal experience, kids/teenagers will not understand the absolute nature of the concept of confidentiality (my best friend's mom was a psych nurse and one time my friend stopped by the office to get something from her. She saw a very prominent individual come out of mom's office, and I heard about it later that day. I was instructed not to tell anyone by my friend, but clearly the bounds of friendship excluded the confidentiality stipulation)...
It sounds like T really cares about you, and wants to be there for you when you are struggling, but it also sounds like she is blurring boundries a bit too much. I think I would have reacted like you did: offer to leave, but if T said it was ok to have the session, I would have sat through it, then gotten upset about how badly it went. If this is a trend with this T, you may want to consider either having a conversation with her around all this, or finding another T. (There's nothing wrong with asking T to reign in personal boundaries around your needs. It's not easy to do necessarily, but it's ok to say that this isn't working for you).

[musinglizzy]

AustenFan, thank you.
In the text she did say I could meet XXXX, but she didn't actually introduce her to me at all, nor did we acknowledge each other. I'm kind of glad we weren't introduced....I mean, how would that be as far as confidentiality?

Of course I don't know for sure, but I would imagine she's well liked in her personal life, and know she has hobbies that probably provide her with friendships IRL, but I also know she leads a very busy life, so possible she doesn't really have time for friendships outside of work.

Texts/emails are not daily or back and forth consistently, and usually are like "check ins" so I would consider them primarily therapy-related. Hey, I appreciate them a great deal. Very rare, but sometimes she will send me a pic that she knows I'd like to see. (not family related, or of her, not of people at all). I appreciate them too.

I am by no means fun or bubbly in therapy, so doubt I'd be seen as friendship material. We don't chit chat about girlfriend type stuff at all, but I do believe she genuinely cares.

I actually have talked to her about the end of therapy....whenever that may be. Thinking of it now is painful, so I have had reservations before about staying in therapy knowing it will end, and then what? But she assured me that by the time therapy ends, which could be years from now, she said it will only end when we both feel it's ready to end, and I will be in a better place at that time. She also said it doesn't necessarily mean it's over, that I may come in once in awhile if I need guidance with something in my life, and that she maintains connections for years, and that some people could potentially be away for a decade, and decide there's a hurdle in their life they need to come back for.

I really appreciate your concern, you give me thoughts to ponder, and things to watch for. Thank you!

[musinglizzy]

ThisWayOut, thanks, we were posting at the same time, and brought up the confidentiality thing. I don't think it would have been appropriate for her to introduce a client to her daughter, especially without specifically ASKING first. But she didn't. I was there first, so as soon as she came in she unlocked her door and invited me in. I couldn't get into that room fast enough, really. Which made me feel pretty pathetic.

[ThisWayOut]

I'm glad she didn't push that on you... I would have wanted to get out of daughter's field of vision also, it's not pathetic at all. There's still a lot of shame and stigma around getting any kind of mental health help. I know at one point, one of my Ts introduced me to her husband. I had a brief "heart-attack" before she managed to spit out that he was her business manager and would be the one doing the billing and insurance correspondence... I still wanted to melt away at that point.

My ex-therapist had his wife listen to his voicemails while he was gone on a ski vacation with his son once. I don't know if he had her do that any other time, but I was horrified and ashamed at the same time. I had no idea he was going to do that and I do think it was unethical.

[musinglizzy]

Glad you "get" that I just wanted to get out of that room. Guess part of me was thinking I'm just another one of her mom's crazy clients...lol. That was very uncomfortable for me.

I will say my T has done a great deal of GREAT work with me. She has helped me in many ways, to open up, to feel, to talk....all of this in just 8 months. I went in there all clammed up, and stayed shut up tight for quite awhile. I've been that way somewhat IRL also. Since starting, and progressing, in therapy, I've found myself becoming more open. Happier? Not really, but I amaze myself with what will just fly out of my mouth now in my own life, thoughts on things I would have just internalized and let fester before... so I can surely see I'm getting something out of therapy. I hope it sticks. Outspoken is something I most certainly am NOT, but it seems to be coming out, thanks to the work we've done.

I just felt like Thursday was a bit of a disaster waiting to happen, and had my anxiety so high I felt I'd end up taking a few steps backward....but we'll see what next week brings.

[musinglizzy]

Yikes puzzlebug.... I don't think that was appropriate at all! I've never called my T....so I guess voicemail messages aren't an issue for me, but I know some people only have the option of phone contact.

As long as you are improving and feel yourself getting better, that's what matters most. But please, do note when you feel uncomfortable with your therapist revealing things or blurring boundaries. It's just as important for you to learn to trust your instincts as it is for you to trust her--even more so.

The only thing my therapist has ever shared about herself is an involvement in an organization I brought up. She said she wouldn't normally share that, but her picture has been in the paper in relation to that group and other clients have mentioned that they saw it. Other than that, her way of showing care is to make our hour about me, not her. I just mention this to say that not revealing things can be good for the individual. Again, only you know what feels right for you. Just make sure you're listening to your gut.

[musinglizzy]

Thank you licketysplit!

[musinglizzy]

The more I think about this though, the more I feel guilty for the several times she apologized for the issues with that session. Jeez....

Don't discount your feelings. She should apologize. That's the right thing to do. It's a good sign.

[PaulaS]

I hadn´t accepted such a situation unless there was something really accute that my T had to deal with. And in that case I think she should have cancelled the session instead. If her daughter was able to sit and wait in her waiting room, why couldn´t she take a walk or sit and wait in a café or something instead while waiting?

I would have demanded an explanation or else I think I´d thought about ending therapy. Of course the relationship matters a lot and if I liked the T a lot I could perhaps overlook such an incident if the T was open to discuss all my feelings around it.

I think she in some way violated boundaries in a situation where she could have handled things differently so you didn´t have to meet her daughter and so on.

Originally Posted by musinglizzy

First I'll just say I had a really bad week last week, for various reasons. To the point I only worked a day and a half all week, and made myself physically ill, and ended up at the doctor getting fluids yesterday. My T had asked me days prior if I could come in half an hour later. No problem. But the day of my session, she sent me a text about an hour before session time, said she may be a little late, but she would be there, and that I'd get to meet ***** (her daughter). Honestly, I've had no interest in meeting her daughter. I'm rather envious of her. (pathetic, I know). I think I just had the most awkward session so far, in 8 months of therapy. For four reasons.
1.it had been probably the most difficult of weeks for me since starting therapy
2. she was late
3. her teenage daughter was with her waiting in the waiting room while I had my session
4. she had to end the session early to get somewhere else.

At one point during my (shortened) session, she got up to say something to her daughter quickly. Of course she apologized, but it made me feel like I didn't have her focus 100%, because obviously she had to have thought about something beforehand to get up and talk to her. And, I just felt awkward knowing she was out there. I kept trying to get out of the session. Even when she got there, I kept saying "we don't have to do this, I can go," I just felt like she had such a crazy day, and was running herself ragged. I think the events surrounding my week just had me feeling even more uneasy....so it was just bad timing is all.

I've been beating myself up a bit for my feelings surrounding that session. My T is amazing.... and she has a life too. I think she knew I was pretty uncomfortable. And that makes me feel bad too.

[Favorite Jeans]

I once ended things with a T after an episode a lot like what you're describing. It was the last of many instances of inappropriate behavior and crap boundaries on her part though, not the first issue with an otherwise great therapist. I think it's almost unforgivable to have you meet a member of T's family when you're going to your session. Especially because in this case, since the daughter is a teenager, she could have waited for her mother at a nearby coffee shop or something.

I feel crappy when my T cannot give me an extra session especially when I'm in crisis. However, when you consider the compromises a T might have to make to accomodate you and the impact these might have on their focus (for eg because they're rushing, have children in the waiting room, hungry on their lunch hour, crazy overtired) it might seem more worthwhile to find another way to cope until your nest regular session.

[guilloche]

Oh wow... just wanted to chime in that this would bug me too. There's no way I could focus, or feel like I have T's full attention, if he had one of his kids waiting the entire hour just outside. No way! Definitely not appropriate... so sorry that your T put you through that!

Have you read about the concept of the "therapeutic frame". As I understand it, it's the "space" of therapy - and making that space feel safe enough for us to be open about our stuff. "Leaks" in the frame are when the outside world can intrude upon our therapy space... and these things can make therapy feel really unsafe, and create problems for us in opening up. This, to me, is a big leak. Though, if you want to commiserate at all, last week my T was in a new office... the office had an actual door leading to the outside world, with lots of windows. The next client actually WALKED IN THE DOOR in the middle of my session. *cry*. Luckily, this is T's satellite office - I'm usually not very loud, but I was very clear that I'm NOT coming back to this office. Oh heck, no, I don't need that at all - his normal office has no windows, and just the normal inside door - so it feels like a cave, which is ok by me!