What does 'trust' mean to you, what does it look like to trust someone?

My therapist asked me this today, and I couldn't really describe it, or define it. He pointed out that people who have never really experienced something in their lives have real trouble describing it. For example if you asked a poet to describe love but they had never experienced what it is to love and be loved...no matter how hard they try they would not be able to describe love.

He was inferring that I had never experienced being able to trust someone.........and it sent me into quite a spin, because I guess it is true. Lots of emotion surfaced that I had to shut down, and instead I felt anger, and then started to dissociate. This is something that is a major issue for me.......

I'd really appreciate hearing what trust means to you, how would you describe it, what it looks like for you when you know you can trust someone and when there is trust there in return?

Thanks for this....because I really am feeling lost with this.....

I used to think it was when we gave ourselves with abandon. That meant we trusted. Now I've learned that it's wiser than that. Rather, it's when we've gradually opened ourselves.. but always with enough reserve and wisdom to spot a signal that we should be careful. It's not hard to trust if you always hold each moment of trusting someone in your own hand... don't give it away. Even the people closest to us should have to earn our trust every step of the way.

For me, trust is a faith that a person will not intentionally set out to do me harm. Does that mean they won't harm me? No, people are human and we all make mistakes, sometimes hurtful mistakes, but a person's mistakes aren't going to destroy my trust in them. It is the person who sets up purposefully to do harm that I will not trust. Fortunately, I've found that most people aren't actually like that. Discerning which people are which and not lumping everyone in the wrong category is what is the important part. I think many people err on the side of throwing far too many people automatically on the cautionary side when actually most people are not at all determined to do us harm. There is often a fear of ever being hurt at all, but life is just messy that way. People we trust will mess up from time to time. The question is, can we allow for their humanness, forgive, and move on? Or will we be people who don't allow for error and second chances (and third if necessary . . .).

I do not believe this is true. I think it is a highly romanticized/sentimental view.

I would say in a broad sense trust is believing the other will generally not set out to intentionally do you harm. But there is a range and in the specifics some who are broadly trusted are not. I trust most humans are not setting out to hurt me. The therapist once asked me if I trusted her and seemed surprised when I said in some ways. I trust she will be there at the time she has set, that her fees are what she said, and that she will not intrude on my real life (this was not immediate but she has shown she can stay back).
I do not trust her not to mock me as a general rule (she has done so in the past) - so I do not trust her with mockable things in areas where it would distress me to be so mocked.
That sort of thing.

Jane when I saw your question I was a bit stumped like you (do those in the US know what that expression means?). I've looked up the definition of trust: 'firm belief in the reliability, truth, or ability of someone or something'. I don't know if I truly trust anyone. Who knows what life circumstances are round the corner and how that could effect the people around us? Or am I taking it to far? I certainly didn't trust my parents when I was a child, I was independent and relied on myself, and still do.

It feels safe.

It's not just knowing that someone can back you up, it's also knowing that you can disagree with someone and they with you and things are still okay. It's knowing that someone is there for you no matter what.

I trust my Mom on a certain level, like if my whole world ended - she'd be there, but not so much for the daily aches and pains.

I am learning to trust my partner more completely– feeling like I can state my a need or a want, a fear, or just an opinion, knowing that she might disagree and trust it be okay. But there are still some moments we struggle.

most of all, I trust myself to know if I'm hurt by someone I can survive that.

I found that trust needs practice. Almost like a muscle.

I find this interesting - why do you find the claim that it is difficult or impossible to describe something we have no experience of to be romanticised or sentimental? I think that is largely true for me - there are many things I haven't experienced, and I have no way of describing them. I mean, I can read about what it feels like to be a parent, or what it is like to drive a car, or snorkle, or receive the Nobel Prize, but since I have no personal experience of it I have no way to describe it myself.

Then again, good authors can write believable accounts of things they have never experienced. But I still don't see the connection to sentimentality or romance.

And also, just because I have experienced the same thing as somebody else, it doesn't follow that our experience is the same. (That's why I don't believe in "female points of view", for instance.) I have experienced love but I'm pretty sure that my experience is not the same as anybody else's, and I don't think I could describe it either.

I think writers and poets (and others) imagine things and describe what they imagine something to feel like.

Well yes, but surely that's what is romanticising - imagining that something (such as love or trust) is all wonderful and will save one's life, when in reality it simply is a means to pain and awfulness.

I stand by my word choice. I believe it is a romanticized view that you have to have experienced trust or love to be able to describe it AND that if you had experienced either you would be able to describe it without hesitation.

OK. I certainly agree with you about the second part of your statement.

I don't think you have to have firsthand knowledge of something to describe it, but I also don't believe you can necessarily describe it even if you have firsthand knowledge of it. there's a bunch of stuff I have firsthand knowledge of but cannot describe. There's also a bunch of stuff I could describe based on what I hear others say it is. I agree with both mastadon and stopdog here in different ways...
as for what trust is? For me, it's a hope that the person will be there for me and react in expected ways based on history. Do I actually trust anyone fully? Nope. I trust aspects of them, and I trust in certain promises, but there's no one I truly trust in the full sense of the concept. Part of it comes from humans being humans... my animals I trust completely, but part of that comes from a trust in myself to be able to read them and know how they react according to history and current signals...

I agree with SD. You can understand/describe something even if you haven't personally experienced it. We learn not just from things happening to us, but from reading, watching others, listening to others. And sometimes you can't describe something even if you have experienced it. None of us truly know what another person experiences, butwe can still relate. That's why there's such thing as empathy. Can a T describe what it's like to have Schizophrenia even if they don't have it?

Kinda off topic, but still related: I disagree with the phrase "You can't love others unless you love yourself first". For one, that's definitely black and white thinking. But it also playings into the chicken or the egg debate. Life isn't all or nothing, black or white.

I was going to respond to this post when I first saw it, but I was struggling with how to describe trust. I do trust my T, just to different degrees. A lot of the things I don't trust her about doesn't have anything to do with her, but mostly about my past.

Some examples...

I trust my T:
* to respect my boundaries (physical and emotional)
* to uphold confidentiality
* to be honest
* to have my best interest (doesn't mean she's always right)
* to only give as much information as needed when she has to communicate with others about my treatment.

I don't trust my T:
* to not abandon me
* to not judge me
* to communicate with my family (but that's because I don't trust my family)

How does that look? That's a difficult question. I guess it's by me being open and honest with her, not constantly questioning her, following her advice, not trying to control her words or actions, by allowing myself to be myself with her, disclosing difficult things, allowing her to touch me (and it actually feels comforting), not terminating her (especially when I felt betrayed/abandoned by her), etc.

How does my not trusting her look? I am constantly needing reassurance that she isn't leaving me, that I haven't made her mad (and if I did, I frantically try to "fix" the problem), having difficulties fully opening up about difficult issues, needing reassurance that she doesn't judge me, etc.

Trust can come and go for each person and with different aspects of each relationship. I don't think it's possible to 100% trust anyone. Hell, I don't even 100% trust myself. I think trust takes time and effort. I think it's a give and take sort of thing.. a two-way street. But trust isn't necessarily equal. I might trust my T with some of my difficult issues, doesn't mean she trusts me with hers.

Idk. Trust is a complex topic imo.

Thank you all. There is a lot for me to think about here!

I certainly agree, in hindsight, that the implication behind what my therapist said appears very black and white in thinking......and I may just discuss this with him. And I also agree in thinking on it more, that trust must come in degrees and that I imagine it would be very hard to trust anyone completely with everything 100%.

I acknowledge that I trust my therapist to a degree, although I was more thinking about other relationships in my real life. That is where I find trust most difficult, near on impossible sometimes now. I do not believe that people will not hurt me, intentionally. I know life happens and we can get hurt unintentionally by others, I am not that naive to be unaware of that! But........What does trust look like in your personal relationships.

I agree that this is a complex issue.....more than I realised. I wonder if this was my therapists purpose. To get me to think on it and come to this realisation. To back away from my fall back position of the past of real black and white "it is either all or nothing" thinking?

Maybe he should have asked you what qualities do you think another person should present to you to gain your trust in them? If you could think up what a good friend would be like, what qualities would you put in that person if you could?

For myself, one quality I would like is honesty, also that the person would respect what I like because it makes me happy rather than expecting me to like what they like or think is important. I also appreciate it when another person respects my feelings, allows me to feel if I need to (ofcourse within reason). Also not treat me badly if I don't happen to know something as well. People make mistakes all the time, I like them to be honest about a mistake, I may get angry as that is normal depending on the mistake, but if the person is honest with me I am very forgiving, when they lie it makes the mistake even bigger IMHO. I think listening is important too, if a person listens to me and shows me they are and is respectful, that builds my trust in them too.

I have trusted too easily in the past. I trusted based on instinct and belief that the person would be there when I needed them. I trusted that the words they spoke to me were true. I trusted them with my confidence, that nothing would be repeated. I trusted them with my child. I trusted that they would repay a loan. I trusted that they had my best interests at heart. I would never dream that the person I trusted would mock me like Stopdog's T. That's unconscionable. I trusted that the person would not hurt me. Over the years I have come to know better than to trust.

I generally have come to see trust less in relationship to others, and more in relationship to myself. If I trust myself, in the event that I feel disappointed in others actions, it isn't the end of the world--simply a mistake in judgment. I give others the opportunity to show me who they are, and then I don't force my expectations/needs onto them under the guise of trust. I guess it's about taking responsibility for my own expectations, and if others don't fulfill them, it's usually because I haven't allowed them to be who they are. Therapy taught me to not walk around with a template in my head, trying to fit others into it as a test of trust. Rather, to trust myself enough to express my wants and needs, allowing others to fulfill them or not. And then deciding if such response is "good enough." And that determination depends upon the degree of the relationship. I expect more of an intimate partner than a friend; more of a friend than a work colleague. And I don't expect any one person to fulfill all my wants/needs. It seems to make it much easier to trust people when I'm also willing to accept them as they are.

ETA: It also allows me to feel far more free in how I fulfill the wants/needs of others. I don't feel compelled or without choice, nor guilty, as I did growing up. And since I give what I give freely, there's no pressure of expectations unfulfilled in return.

Thank you for this fkm! I think there are a lot of insights here that I can ponder and certainly learn from. How long were you in therapy? Maybe my question is, how long until your were able to incorporate this as part of your way of being?

I was fortunate to be able to stay in therapy for an extended time with one really wonderful T--@ 11 years. The hard work was during the therapy years, especially early on because I had no way to see myself outside of my warped family's view of me that my role was to fulfill their needs. I didn't exist outside of that role, and yet I could never succeed in it, either. My T was the first relationship in my life that didn't fit that pattern. So there was a lot of transference played out, and a lot of very patient re-direction on his part. He became the parent I'd never known. After therapy, the process continued with each relationship and experience, getting easier and more automatic each time. I also had the good fortune to meet a colleague in a new work situation who was exceptionally clear in such ways from her own experiences. She became a close friend, and that friendship continues after @ 25 years.

Unless I'm confusing you with someone else, don't you work as an addictions counselor? I would think this perspective would be very useful in such work. It certainly is in my work as a teacher. By not needing my students' approval to trust that I'm doing a good job, it allows me to teach more authentically and take more risks. My students often respond to this by also being willing to take more risks as well as responsibility for their learning, and they gain a lot of confidence from their experience of developing their own abilities to self-assess. As my T did for me by trusting in my abilities, my students gain self-trust through their experience of my trusting in their abilities.

I realize this sounds simplistic, but it's not a naive or blind trust. It's very much combined with responsibility and natural consequences. But what it does is take inappropriate psychological templates from the past out of the equation. In therapy it also very much helped me to weather periodic doubts about the "genuineness" of the relationship, or get through ruptures.

I feel like such a novice at this therapy thing....2 years in with this therapist and I find more that needs work than I thought! It feels like it is going to be a long process, but I don't have that much time with this therapist......

And you are partially right, I worked in the addictions sector.....not as a counsellor per se though. (I am studying to be a social worker now, non counselling). And you are right, the putting of trust in a clients abilities to know how to recover and their ability TO do it is very important.....and I am great at doing that for others. Trusting others to not hurt me, and trusting myself to be 'good enough' or not needing the approval of others.......I am not so good at.

The trust issue is a general thing...but yes I guess it plays out in the therapeutic relationship also. Today case in point. And the journey continues.....