[rainbow8]

I see my T today and I'm afraid of the intimacy! In my last session I felt loved by her; it was a very deep connection. I also felt love for the baby/child part who needs that love. It was intense and healing.

But today I feel like pulling away from those scary love feelings. I'm afraid that my T will disappoint me and I'll get hurt. I had a weird email reaction too. I asked for help with something and she emailed back right away. I emailed back that I had an uh oh feeling of crossing boundaries and I didn't want her to email me again. So she didn't, and that was last Tuesday. I see her every 2 weeks.

My relationship with my T is the closest and best it's been in the 5 years of therapy. I trust her, and I've internalized her caring. I don't want to sabotage it today! I will tell her what I'm feeling, of course. I don't know why I'm so afraid of feeling so good, or maybe I'm afraid of love. There's shame about it. Idk, I'm afraid because T cares, and afraid that she doesn't care enough and I'll be hurt. I'm afraid of the feeling of love on both sides. It scares me terribly!!!

[Restin]

Oh, Rainbow, I feel for your fears. Just take it slow and easy with your inner child. You're fortunate to have a T you can trust enough to even mention your child wishes. There are so many therapists a child inside could never dare speak to. It's scary because you're breaking a life-long policy from abuse in early childhood. It takes awhile to even get used to saying the words, but just go easy and not push it too hard.

[guilloche]

(((rainbow8))) Good luck today... I wish I had something wise to add, but I think *caring* can be *scary* too... It sounds like you have a great T though, and hopefully you'll more of the good stuff, and less of the scary!

[Soccer mom]

As you saw on my post, I totally relate. I want to ask my T. how to stop wanting to push her away and accept her care and nurturing. I still can't figure out emotionally why I do it when I want every bit of it. Well, I guess I know why but it's so freaking frustrating.

[growlycat]

"light" sessions are ok too! Maybe talk about painting?

My main T says he feels the pressure from me to have every session feel "magical".
Although I have found agenda less sessions pretty interesting at times!

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Restin

Oh, Rainbow, I feel for your fears. Just take it slow and easy with your inner child. You're fortunate to have a T you can trust enough to even mention your child wishes. There are so many therapists a child inside could never dare speak to. It's scary because you're breaking a life-long policy from abuse in early childhood. It takes awhile to even get used to saying the words, but just go easy and not push it too hard.

. Restin: thank you for replying to me.
The child parts can talk to my T because she has done IFS with me, so she accepts all my parts. What is perplexing is that I do not have a history of abuse. I missed something, maybe because I was in an incubator at a time when it wasn't considered important for preemies to be held. Or maybe my Mom was too anxious and never allowed me to feel safe. Those two scenarios are what my T thinks.

Originally Posted by guilloche

(((rainbow8))) Good luck today... I wish I had something wise to add, but I think *caring* can be *scary* too... It sounds like you have a great T though, and hopefully you'll more of the good stuff, and less of the scary!

Thank you for the hugs, guilloche. Yes, my T is special!

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

As you saw on my post, I totally relate. I want to ask my T. how to stop wanting to push her away and accept her care and nurturing. I still can't figure out emotionally why I do it when I want every bit of it. Well, I guess I know why but it's so freaking frustrating.

My T told me it's a pattern. Today we were trying to figure out why I can't accept that good things can happen instead of always thinking the worst. She says she does feel a kind of love for me because of the kind of therapy she practices, (somatic experiencing) using touch, and sitting close to clients. I agree it's hard!

Originally Posted by growlycat

"light" sessions are ok too! Maybe talk about painting?

My main T says he feels the pressure from me to have every session feel "magical".
Although I have found agenda less sessions pretty interesting at times!

Thanks, growly. My session turned out not to be light at all. I'm going to start a new thread about it.

Thanks for sharing this, you put things into words that are hard to put into words, I'm trying to understand my own feelings. I like the sound of your T.

Yes I often have this same feeling. Seeing a T is very intimate at times and I like to keep my feelings to myself usually.

[musinglizzy]

Good luck. I get angry and hateful when my T brings up my "inner child," which she did on Monday. She wants me to save her. I want to throw her overboard. Gee, maybe I should see a shrink. Wait....I am....