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#1
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omg now this has not happened to me in so long . I don't know if she is pushing me or what ,or if it was my fault. I had a major panic again in session. I couldn't seem to talk at first .my resolution is to try and not ++shut down when T says something I don't like. so I asked her if I could just hand her my journal and she could read the little I wrote and then I wouldn't have to worry about talking . after a thinking pause (I guess) she said Shure so I gave it to her .she asked if she could read back for some that she had not read yet anything for me not to talk so I said sure . she read some about what I wrote about being different. she said she agreed she was not clear but she meant do I feel different in T . but I wrote something about my idea of how school was and different then I remember . I told her that I don't remember ever talking to people at all or having any interest in other kids. but my teachers wrote horrible things in my report cards and I always run into people who said we were friends in school and we hung out a lot and I have no idea who they were .my t said that that is a common occurrence when children are suffering from extreme trauma. she said I have a hard time connecting on any level to what went on in my past . I HATE THE WORD TRAUMA . then she started reading what I wrote about my dream I had the other night. this is when the panic really started . I think I decided i didn't want to talk about it but she kept reading and making references like hummm and ohhh, she said so much about it . like how she didn't think it was just a dream but sounded more like a memory and that maybe this has happened to me . I started freaking . she asked if it reminded me of any memories I had . I just shook my head no and I was panicking so much now .I said I didn't want to talk bout it and that I was completely panicking . she asked me if I needed to leave ,I just asked if I could get my blanket. just being able to get up off that chair and get my blanket helped me a lot. it was hard to hear her . she was telling me that she understood why I was panicking and that I was ok. that no one was going to hurt me and that I was safe . it was nice to hear these words but it didn't help the way I was feeling about myself. I tried to talk more about my dream but I couldn't .my body just was not going to let me. she was saying that she doesn't think it was just a dream but memories . that these things happened to me . but I remember my childhood for the most part except for school stuff . I cant forget the mother. this stuff going through may have been a mix of a bunch of parts of memories or something but it was not a clear memory. there were strange things in this dream that never happened to me. she said that most of my life I have never connected to what I was going through on any level and this is how I survived . she used a lot of horrible words about the mother again and the way things were. she said that it can sometimes feel like im back there . IT did feel that way for a few minutes and it made me panic and I couldn't talk about it . I feel so miserable and humiliated for acting that way in T . I was hiding my face in my blanket and everything . god I am pathetic . how am I ever going to be able to be ok if I cant even talk about a bad dream without having a panic attack.
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BEHAVIORS ARE EASY WORDS ARE NOT ![]() Dx, HUMAN Rx, no medication for that |
![]() Anonymous37917, pbutton, rainbow8, Soccer mom, unaluna
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#2
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Sounds like you did a wonderful job on working through the panic. Good for you, Granite! I know it feels awful, but you are doing the work. You didn't run from it. Fantastic job.
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#3
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Granite, you are doing amazing, really difficult, deep work. Please stop and treat yourself the way you treat me when I share with you the horrible, panic inducing dreams that I have. In one of my recent sessions, I was sharing with T a combination of dreams and flashbacks that I have been having. He took that combination to the logical conclusion of what happened to that little kid I used to be, and I just melted down. Had my legs up against my chest, my face buried in a pillow, huddled in a ball on his nice expensive couch, chanting, NONONONONO. I followed that bizarro behavior up by a weird, complete return to rationality and put my feet back on the floor and demanded to know how often he disinfected his pillows. Totally bizarro behavior, right? Would you tell me I should be embarrassed? Please treat yourself the same way you would treat me about this kind of thing. Talking about this kind of thing is just really freaking hard.
Big hugs, friend. |
![]() granite1
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![]() granite1
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#4
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Granite you are doing great work....
Just go read about a therapy session from 3 years ago if you dont believe me. |
![]() granite1
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![]() granite1, rainbow8
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#5
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Granite, you are doing amazingly difficult, tremendously hard, super deep work. And you're doing a great job at it. My deepest sessions have gone much the same way. You're doing what we need to do to get through all this horrible crap. I commend you.
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![]() granite1
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![]() granite1
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#6
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You did well, Granite. When the panic was overtaking you, you sought your blanket for cover and comfort and your T understood it was important to reassure you that you were safe. That was good.
I've done a lot of Jungian stuff with dreams. They can contain memories, but they also get jumbled up with other things from our unconscious mind, things that didn't or couldn't have happened. As we progress in therapy we may take a more active role in our dreams. For example, I frequently dreamed I was being hurt in a way that happened in real life and I couldn't get away or protect myself, but as I got stronger in my waking life things changed in my dreams. One night the dream (nightmare) came on and I was being hurt and then suddenly I was in a helicopter with a machine gun, chasing the Bad People away so they couldn't hurt me or anyone. I felt strong and in control. That dream signified a big change in my feelings about myself. I no longer felt the past could reach out and get me. I could chase the past and the Bad People away and keep myself safe. Dream content can be a mixture of reality and fantasy. It can be important to our recovery. Sharing that with your T, as difficult as it was, was really good. I wish you the best and good, strong dreams in your future. |
![]() granite1
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![]() granite1, unaluna
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#7
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What they said. Im in awe.
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![]() granite1
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![]() granite1
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#8
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I agree with everyone. You are doing amazing, difficult work! I'm glad you were able to comfort yourself with your blanket. It sounds like your T said some comforting words too.
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![]() granite1
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![]() granite1
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#9
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Quote:
I sometimes just don't think I can do this or talk about it .no matter how slow my T said we need to go. last week she said now that I seem to be able to communicate a little better she needs to make sure we need to go slow in talking . god it is all confusing
__________________
BEHAVIORS ARE EASY WORDS ARE NOT ![]() Dx, HUMAN Rx, no medication for that |
![]() Anonymous37917, pbutton
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