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I heard this often from my therapists, when I was upset that I did not do better during therapy: "You did the best you could."
Or when upset at parents' emotional abuse: "They did the best they could."
Or when I complained about a person who constantly had money trouble and was affecting me: "She did the best she could."

This is a double-edged sword: It's both comforting to know or think that people always do their best, but also seems to pretty much make any behavior seem like the best anybody could do and beyond reproach. I mean is there literally any behavior that we can mention and the therapist would say, "No, that was far from the best she could do, she was being lazy, irresponsible, selfish....? My therapists have never said that. Though they've admitted some behavior upset me or harmed me, it has always been "the best they could do."

edit: I just thought of something, what if the "best they could do" is not the same as the "best they can do"? And how do you encourage somebody to be the best they can actually be?

I haven't had a therapist say that to me (about me or anyone else), but I've heard other people say those things as excuses, and I have said them about some people where it's clear they just weren't capable of doing anything differently (at least to my view).

I don't see it as a compliment. More along the lines of a Southerner's Bless your heart.

My T has said something similar to me about my mother. At the time it felt ok hearing it, kind of helped me have acceptance. Your post has made me reflect that her words also absolved my mother of responsibility for the fact that never comforting a crying baby, toddler or child is harmful.

[angelicgoldfish05]

I guess I kind of have a problem with this statement too for similar reasons. Seems like it is thrown out there way too much and excuses behavior that was abusive.

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Thank you everyone. I was upset when I made this post and I feel better reading other replies. As Licketysplit says, the statement is not exactly a compliment anyways. Angelicgoldfish05 touches on the statement being used as excuse, and that's what I was reacting to, seeing it as excusing harmful behavior. I mean how can you blame anyone of anything if they did "the best" they could?

But like Brown Owl says, my therapists may have thrown that out there as way of helping me accept things. Because it's real hard to accept things when you keep thinking or saying, "Why did/didn't he/she do that?" So to hear"they did the best they could" is a way to help you get in touch with people's and life's limitations.

[archipelago]

I keep hearing this and wondering myself. I mean people I've encountered in my life were clearly NOT doing their best, not even close. How can you say that neglectful or abusive parents are doing their best? or that an envious colleague who damages your career is doing their best? That is just nonsense. It seems to be a rather low level truism said to make people feel better when it just invalidates real pain and validates bad behavior.

Face it, there are people out there who are mean, aggressive, selfish, and often can't see it or don't care if they do. We do not live in a healthy world or a safe world. While it helps to be able to be accepting of limitations, that does not mean that we can't have negative responses to negative things.

It would be great if people truly were doing their best. We perhaps wouldn't need therapy then.

It is not something my T says a lot, but he's said it once or twice, being very clear that in his opinion, while a particular person may have been doing the best they could (so they weren't evil and he isn't judging them) that doesn't mean that their best was actually good enough. He has been working very hard to get me to accept that certain things that were done to me were not a sign that I was horrible or deserved bad things.