[lunatic soul]

I wanted to share my T a song I wrote to him some time ago. I thought it's best way to share my feelings etc.
I sent it and when I asked him did he listen he said no. After week I asked one more time at the end of session and he said no.
I said- okay.
He was looking confused, I apologised for being unkind at session but he didn't react.
I asked him- Do you hear me?
He- I was thinking did I hurt you?
Me- No.
He- Are you angry?
Me- No.
He- Then what?
Me- Its okay, Im used to be not interesting for you.

After some hours he texted me that he listened to my song. I feel so weird. I feel like I pressed him to do it. I feel bad and guilty.

Do you think I'm acting wrong? I think I mustn't send him songs anymore.
I had similar situation with my email, he was moving away to another place and said he didn't have a time to read it. I was disappointed but when he asked me I said- I believe that you just didn't have a time.
Next time he said he read it and that I can email him and he will surely read it.
When I said that it's not cool that he didn't replie to my happy birthday text, he started to replie to every of my texts.

I feel like I press him to do what he doesn't want. Do I?

P.S. I think I'm not in love with him, he is more like friend to me.

[Restin]

As heartbreaking as it is, most therapists, especially at busy county clinics are so busy that even if they were Einstein they would have trouble with recalling or doing special requests. It hurts something awful to be reminded that I'm not their one and only. I realize that comes from the Transference, but it still doesn't help my hurt. The worst is T forgetting my name or calling me by someone else's name.
Try not to hold it against him, and try to accept what he does offer in the therapy hour, is my best advice.

[lunatic soul]

Originally Posted by Restin

As heartbreaking as it is, most therapists, especially at busy county clinics are so busy that even if they were Einstein they would have trouble with recalling or doing special requests. It hurts something awful to be reminded that I'm not their one and only. I realize that comes from the Transference, but it still doesn't help my hurt. The worst is T forgetting my name or calling me by someone else's name.
Try not to hold it against him, and try to accept what he does offer in the therapy hour, is my best advice.

If I'm honest i don't feel hurted, I feel guilty. Okay I was disappointed but it was more like- Okay you are not interested in me, so I won't bother you anymore. And then he texted me that he did it. It makes me feel like I press him and he said that I can send him emails, songs etc before I did it.

[Lauliza]

Is this the same T you were seeing previously? I might have misunderstood but for some reason I thought you were no longer seeing him.

[lunatic soul]

Originally Posted by Lauliza

Is this the same T you were seeing previously? I might have misunderstood but for some reason I thought you were no longer seeing him.

I had a break for 3 weeks but yes I still see him. I'm afraid to stop seeing him because for now I feel okay, I don;t feel obsessed or in love etc but if I stopped to see him I might start to cry, long for him, think of him, I don;t want this.
If I'm honest I don;t feel I need therapy anymore.

[Lauliza]

You're not doing anything wrong, it just doesn't seem to have any real therapeutic purpose and leaves you feeling disappointed and sad. You know you deserve more than this and can get it from other places. Is tht part of he appeal to you, that it's a challenge? I don't mean that in a negative way, I just know that some people are motivated by the challenge the thrill of the chase. And once they've finally won that person over, this person suddenly become much less appealing. I've heard that this sometimes happens with people who fear getting close and intimate with others.

[Fizzyo]

Hi, I don't know how USA compares with UK, but my understanding of my T is that my appointment time is my time. Outside this, she has a very heavy workload and would not be able to take a lot of time for other things unless I am really in crisis.
They are also trying to find a balance between being caring and being over friendly as this is not good for us either. They want us to become independent in our mental health in the end.
I worked in healthcare and setting the right boundaries is always important.
I hope this helps you understand the difficult situation for both of you.
Hugs

Originally Posted by Fizzyo

Hi, I don't know how USA compares with UK, but my understanding of my T is that my appointment time is my time. Outside this, she has a very heavy workload and would not be able to take a lot of time for other things unless I am really in crisis.
They are also trying to find a balance between being caring and being over friendly as this is not good for us either. They want us to become independent in our mental health in the end.
I worked in healthcare and setting the right boundaries is always important.
I hope this helps you understand the difficult situation for both of you.
Hugs

I think this depends more on the T than the location (I seem to recall OP is not in UK or US) I live in the UK and my T welcomes contact between sessions and always reads poetry etc I send to him.

I think consistent boundries are the key, so OP's expectations regarding the song are likely to relate to how T has behaved in the past, and of course the complex history of feelings and/or transference will likely be playing a part in the therapist's actions here too.

LS - I agree with Lauliza that you need to evaluate what therapeutic purpose this is serving for you. You suggested that you're not sure if therapy is still useful for you. Perhaps another break would give you the opportunity to evulate whether you still benefit from therapy.

you're not doing anything wrong. your t sounds like he has very strict boundaries and wants there to be nothing friendlike about the relationship - purely professional. which is fine, if you're okay with that. i wouldn't be.

[lunatic soul]

My T was much work to do and he is studying, so I can understand that he maybe don;t have much time but if I'm interested in someone I always find a time so I don't know.
My T allow out of session contacts.
I don;t need therapy at all, I don;t know why I'm still in therapy, he is more like friend to me.

I still want to ask am I doing wrong. It was the reason why I started this thread, I don;t know what to think about this.

[lunatic soul]

Originally Posted by 8888an8888

you're not doing anything wrong. your t sounds like he has very strict boundaries and wants there to be nothing friendlike about the relationship - purely professional. which is fine, if you're okay with that. i wouldn't be.

No, he let me text him and send him songs etc, he said he didn't have a time but he always says that he will do it but then I say- no, don't if you're not interested in this.

[scorpiosis37]

It sounds like you are trying to make this into a personal relationship--- which it is not. You want him to be "interested" in you, but that is not the point of therapy. His job is to help you with whatever you may be struggling with. It makes sense that if you are lonely or lack other sources of support in your life that you would want to relate with him like a friend (or more), but that isn't what he's there for. It is irrelevant whether or not he finds you "interesting." Therapy is about you and your feelings, not about him. If you do not feel that he is helping you work on your issues--- or "therapy" has become lost amidst your desire for his friendship/interest, then maybe it is no longer beneficial for you. It's not that you are doing something "wrong," but it may be unproductive or unhealthy. I don't think the issue is about sharing a song or a text-- it's about the motivation behind it. If you simply want to share it with him so that he will find you more interesting or you want to develop a personal relationship with him--- as opposed to sharing it so that he understands your struggles or goals better-- then it may be crossing past the line of being "therapeutic."

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

I don't think the issue is about sharing a song or a text-- it's about the motivation behind it. If you simply want to share it with him so that he will find you more interesting or you want to develop a personal relationship with him--- as opposed to sharing it so that he understands your struggles or goals better-- then it may be crossing past the line of being "therapeutic."

At the beginning of my therapy with my current t, i told him i couldnt go on forever, being important to nobody. This sounds like same thing to me. Ideally, we are important at birth to our parents. It immunizes us against diseased lovers, in a way! But if we are not immunized, we will always be weak for love. Through good therapy, i believe we can become strong against bad love.

It sounds to me, like this t finally heard what was behind L-soul's request to him to listen to her music. She is asking, am i important? A t should interpret this as - i do not feel important ( because of my childhood or whatever); help me change so i feel important, but i trust you not to take advantage of me. Thats how it worked for me.

[lunatic soul]

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

It sounds like you are trying to make this into a personal relationship--- which it is not. You want him to be "interested" in you, but that is not the point of therapy. His job is to help you with whatever you may be struggling with. It makes sense that if you are lonely or lack other sources of support in your life that you would want to relate with him like a friend (or more), but that isn't what he's there for. It is irrelevant whether or not he finds you "interesting." Therapy is about you and your feelings, not about him. If you do not feel that he is helping you work on your issues--- or "therapy" has become lost amidst your desire for his friendship/interest, then maybe it is no longer beneficial for you. It's not that you are doing something "wrong," but it may be unproductive or unhealthy. I don't think the issue is about sharing a song or a text-- it's about the motivation behind it. If you simply want to share it with him so that he will find you more interesting or you want to develop a personal relationship with him--- as opposed to sharing it so that he understands your struggles or goals better-- then it may be crossing past the line of being "therapeutic."

I have friends and I'm used to share music with my friends, they send songs to me, I send songs to them.
You are right saying that I want him as my friend but at the same time I think its therapeutic to share my music because it's part of my soul and it speaks more then words.
But I don;t want to press him to listen to this if he doesn't want.
I think I don;t mean much to him if he never has a time to listen for one song. I didn;t have any motivation behind it, I just wanted to share it like I share my thoughts etc, it's important for me to share it.

[lunatic soul]

Anyway thank you all for replies, I still hope that I'm not pressing him to do what he doesn;t want to do, it bothers me.

[Gavinandnikki]

If I sent my therapist a song and they didn't listen to it within 24 hours, my feelings would be hurt, period.

Doesn't matter why, I would be sad and hurt.

[Lauliza]

Originally Posted by lunatic soul

Anyway thank you all for replies, I still hope that I'm not pressing him to do what he doesn;t want to do, it bothers me.

I think your therapist cares but us conflicted because he doesn't want to encourage the belief that this is a friendship and not a client/ therapist relationship. Again, it's not that you're doing anything "wrong" at all. Only your T knows if your pressuring him or not, but if he says it's ok to send texts emails and songs to him, then I'd think he doesn't mind. He does have other priorities however, so I really think you should examine how that makes you feel. If continuing outside contact is what you want you need to understand you may not always get the response you are looking for and be ok with that. If you aren't, then I might back off the contact or take another break.

[Ad Intra]

I doubt what you did was wrong; your T is probably just wondering where to do from there.

[lunatic soul]

Originally Posted by Lauliza

I think your therapist cares but us conflicted because he doesn't want to encourage the belief that this is a friendship and not a client/ therapist relationship. Again, it's not that you're doing anything "wrong" at all. Only your T knows if your pressuring him or not, but if he says it's ok to send texts emails and songs to him, then I'd think he doesn't mind. He does have other priorities however, so I really think you should examine how that makes you feel. If continuing outside contact is what you want you need to understand you may not always get the response you are looking for and be ok with that. If you aren't, then I might back off the contact or take another break.

I think it would be childish and lil bit manipulative if I said - Im stopping to see you because you dont do what I want. I still think that there is something therapeutic too in sending songs but I dont want to press him to do it. I feel like he thinks - okay I listened to your damned song, are you happy now? I felt like that when I got text from him.