[peaches100]

I've been trying to figure out why, for some of us, attachment with our t, and the subject of touch, is such a problematic issue. I thought of something that I think might explain it a bit.

If a person grows up with a decent, reasonable amount of food to eat, they come to view eating as normal. So as an adult, if someone offers them a piece of cake, or a steak, they can enjoy it well, but it doesn't take on undue significance of them.

However, if somebody grew up with very little food to eat, it may dominate their thoughts, even as an adult. They may worry about getting enough. Now if somebody offers them a piece of cake, or a steak, it feels huge and significant. It feels wonderful, soooo good! The erson went so long without eating much, it fills a big need. And they crave it so much, it is hard to keep it in balanced perspective.

Maybe it's like that for people with attachment issues. What do you think?

This is a great explanation. I've been deprived of touch and even someone to talk to about feelings. Now that I got it handed it to me I need it... I agree with this 100%..

[Petra5ed]

Maybe you're on to something. I don't feel starved for touch all the time now, but at the same time if my therapist stopped touching me I would probably have some kind of breakdown. For the most part no one has touched me my whole life. My dad was not a hugger, he's probably hit me as much as we've hugged, and we've never really hugged... only a handful of awkward distanced "hugs" when socially required. My mom would touch me but I hate having her touch me, I just hate her, having her anywhere in my proximity is repelling. Just the thought of her makes me angry! Then I as I became an adult I remember a whole stretch of life where people somehow knew I wasn't a hugger, they knew I hated to be touched, so I was rarely hugged. Then I found a guy who wouldn't want to emotionally connect with me or touch me very often either, and decided he was a good choice to marry. When I got to therapy I figured my therapist wouldn't hug me, I must have read about them not hugging somewhere. The first time he did it was after I'd grown quite attached, but it was still hard for me to be hugged. I remember coaching myself not to pat his back and not to pull away too soon, because those kind of distancing gestures just get mirrored by the other person, and then they pull away quicker. I didn't want short hugs with him, I literally trained myself by not being present in hugs to be a good hugee so that our hugs would be better and longer, and now my therapist hug is the best hug I get all week every week. I think one time he even mumbled that I was a good hugger!

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

The first time he did it was after I'd grown quite attached, but it was still hard for me to be hugged. I remember coaching myself not to pat his back and not to pull away too soon, because those kind of distancing gestures just get mirrored by the other person, and then they pull away quicker. I didn't want short hugs with him, I literally trained myself by not being present in hugs to be a good hugee so that our hugs would be better and longer, and now my therapist hug is the best hug I get all week every week. I think one time he even mumbled that I was a good hugger!

I learned how to hug in youth group growing up. I only hugged my parents when I got back from a trip. Until therapy, I rarely hugged my friends but do my immediate family.

Your comment about patting his back resonated with me. When my T. and I first started hugging, I also patted her back but wasn't sure why I was doing it. I guess I was a little nervous. I don't do it anymore.

[Middlemarcher]

I find myself thinking of an acquaintance who had adopted a pair of twins from an Eastern European country when they were about 3 years old. She told me that when she gave them their meal, they ate every bite on the plate; if she served them more, and more, they would continue to eat, no matter what. Like they weren't sure their next meal was coming, so they had to fill up as much as possible. One of them had health problems, too, and in the course of medical testing, they found that he had been born without one of his internal organs (spleen, maybe? I can't recall).

That kind of physical scarcity and deprivation, the effects of it, makes me think of the ramifications of emotional scarcity in childhood.

[Virginia1991]

That is a really good analogy. Seems to make sense to me. I have attachment/touch issues. My mom didn't allow it growing up (giving or receiving). So when people did touch me when I was older I would have this extreme reaction like my skin was burning. So I think people read that as "don't touch her, that makes her uncomfortable". Now I have come a long way. I am happily married. The touch with my wife (I am also female) and my children is normal. However, now I desperately crave motherly touch. I have opened up to some older women in my life (including my t) and I crave nurturing touch so bad. I do reiki and that fills some I those "touch needs". But it has also caused some big time maternal transference towards my reiki therapist. So far she has connected with me like I have her. But like you, if my t or my reiki t took touch away from me I would have a breakdown. I don't know how to get these needs met without being needy or I also don't want to make the person I care about uncomfortable.

[scorpiosis37]

I can definitely relate to the analogy and to the feelings about touch. I didn't grow up with any touch, so the first touch I ever got was from my girlfriends when I started dating. I think that made it even more difficult for me to get safe, platonic touch because I associated touch with dating. I had a few close friends I hugged, but not that frequently. My T is the person I hug the most consistently and it's extremely important to me. I love that she feels safe and maternal. It would be really hurtful if she ever took that away.

[Rainydaiz]

Thank you for such a simple and clever analogy. So useful.