[Gavinandnikki]

Clearly, there are some for whom love is a deep part of their therapy.

Others, there is attachment, caring, fondness, but not love.

For others, no caring, attachment, warmth. Just business, a service paid for.

Why do you think there are these marked differences? Is it dependent on the reasons we are in therapy, the characteristics of the individual, the type of therapy....

What determines the relationship between client and therapist?

[JustShakey]

The needs of the client should determine the relationship.
I think 'love', for want of a better word, is present in all relationships, though it takes many forms. Sometimes all you see is hate... And 'love' has too many pre-existing connotations to be the right word...
I think that the ability of a therapist to follow a client's lead in T, and to give them what they need - whether that be empathy or indifference, is an act of loving kindness in itself. And it is not a very easy thing to do. We, as humans, have a tendency to think that everybody else needs whatever it is that we ourselves need. The ability to truly hear another and act on their needs, even just for one hour at a time... That's not easy.

I feel like I should put one of those disclaimers about opinions on this post


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[Salmon77]

I would say it depends on the client and what his/her needs are.

For me, I think therapy is about learning how to have relationships with other people, not having a relationship with a therapist. I don't plan to be in therapy forever. So we are friendly and everything but I wouldn't call it love and don't want to.

I get along well with my therapist and care about him. It's a type of love, like I'd have for a close acquaintance or something I guess sort of (but not quite), but I'm not "in love." I really don't think about it in terms of love really. I just know we have a strong, respectful, supportive relationship within the boundaries of the therapy relationship it is designed for. It is more than just business in the sense that the relationship has an obvious personal aspect to it that doesn't really exist in pure business transactions such as with a lawyer or accountant or something like that.

I think it all depends on the individuals involved. It isn't even really about what I "need" so much. I don't particularly "need" love from a therapist; I have strong personal relationships that fulfill that kind of need. I'm just the kind of person who does care about people I have relationships with on any personal kind of level. I feel love for many people in my life, so this isn't anything out of the ordinary for me. It's just part of my personality I guess.

[LindaLu]

Originally Posted by JustShakey

I think that the ability of a therapist to follow a client's lead in T, and to give them what they need - whether that be empathy or indifference, is an act of loving kindness in itself. And it is not a very easy thing to do. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

This is a great point. The T has to exert lots of self discipline to respond to client guidance.

Personally I think of love as emotional investment in someone else's positive life outcomes. I love (even just a little) people who are not relationally close and I have little contact with, but who matter to me as people. It's likely that Ts love/cherish most of their clients, just as most clients attach/need their Ts. What determines the relationship? IMO it's almost a forgone conclusion from therapeutic process.

It's harder in English to discuss love as a concept because other languages have more words for affection, attachment, desire, etc.

[JustShakey]

Originally Posted by LindaLu

It's harder in English to discuss love as a concept because other languages have more words for affection, attachment, desire, etc.

But we *do* have 'affection' 'attachment' 'desire' etc... We just get so hung up on 'love'. Such expectations and taboos we have put around it...

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[Xenon]

When I first started working with my current therapist, she told me that she believed "the relationship" was important in my case, likely more so than any homework in between sessions or anything else. She did not use the words love, affection, or anything similar, and it didn't sound like she'd believe that of everyone who came to her. I was uneasy enough with what she had said, but I think I've become more comfortable about the idea with time.

I think there are too many reasons someone might seek therapy and different ways they can be helped to make some claim like "therapy can't work without love." I don't really know the difference between love and attachment/caring/affection, etc., and I'm sure if you ask different people you'll get tons of different answers.

I would like to feel that I matter. I can't define it beyond that. Right now, with this therapist, I do feel that way.

[Gavinandnikki]

Thank y'all for the replies.

I fell in love with my therapist. I lusted after her. Heterosexual all my life, married 25+ years. It blew me away. Seeing her 3-4/week made her the center of my adult emotional life. In the long run, and in retrospect, with a lot of soul searching, I wish I had not met her.
Many thousands of $ and time and I still have the problems that I went to her for. Certainly, I now know why I have these problems, but no real improvement.
I'm thinking about starting therapy again- I am now an informed consumer.